You Need A “Big John”

Security anyone?

Dear David, we’ve been hearing stories for eons now since you went out on the road about all sorts of nasty nasty confloptions your crazy stalker fans have been inflicting on you. I don’t know if they are true because I will not go within 500 miles of the heifer-fans. It’s been said that they’ve gotten on your bus without your permission, put a tracking device on the bus somehow, they’ve followed you hither and yon after hours to the point and ruining any chance at nookie from a normal cute age-appropriate lady. Tales of family and friends and the crippled being knocked aside by the obnoxicons crashing private functions. Heard some of the idiots showed up at your dear brother’s funeral  Tres tacky!

We’ve all seen the photos of the Meet & Greets after the show with you wearing an expression akin to a man who’s suddenly discovered that solid gold tie he was wearing has morphed into a stinky rotting fish while the frauffalo wear expressions of near orgasmic bliss. The video of you telling people off from squishing the little kid has been circulated widely.

David, you have a problem. No real security at your events. You need someone like “Rock of Love” Big John. You think anyone would have a chance to pull that nonsense on Bret Michaels? Nope, Big John would knock the fuck out of them and call for more security to keep Bret safe. He doesn’t give a rats ass about frau feelings and such nonsense, only about the needs of the headliner.

Big John

Seriously, get your agent to rewrite your contract rider for what you need to perform and get the promoter to pony up for decent security or you’re going to be crushed by a wave of pocketed teddy bears and sCrapbooks at best, physically harmed at worst, if things continue down the path you’re on. I’d hate to see a fraufallo pull a Squeaky Fromme or John Wayne Gacy on you.

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