Archive for October 2009

Open Letter To Baldy

October 30, 2009

Tonight I’m posting a brilliant open letter by The Birdman. Listen up Baldy, he’s speaking wisdom that could impact the rest of your career. Thanks, The Birdman!

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Hi Baldy.

You probably don’t remember me. I was at your Seattle show in August – short, skinny, tattooed dark guy in a wifebeater come to mind? Probably not, cause I was right up the back and left early to go get a beer.

I’m also a regular member of the former Idletard and now hang on various AI tard-bashing sites including this one. I know you know of us – one of our members gave you one of our famous Tard Strong bracelets (a high honour, but what did you do with it?) and you ran into the esteemed admin of this site in Virginia. Many Idletard members believe that you used to read the site pretty regularly and that you check out this site as well, although for obvious reasons (fat chick stampede) you don’t admit it.

There’s a reason I’m taking time out of my day to write you this. I like you. I think you’re a funny guy, you have decent taste in music and I can respect anyone with the balls to tackle an Our Lady Peace song on American Idol (although why did you sing the second verse? The first verse of Innocent = 10 times better). But when I went to your show, I was met by what we Idletard-ites (hey, you’re the Word Nerd. Tell me how to do it right, won’t ya.) call the frau. And not just one or two. Several. Several fat, sweaty frau pushing, shoving and bitching their way to the front while stinking up the place and making me (and the hot blonde near me) nauseous. And the show hasn’t even started.

At the time, I was not a regular Idletard member and was merely travelling through America as a way of getting over a break-up. However, when I heard I was in Seattle at the same time you were I remembered the tales of crazed fans I had heard and decided to check it out for myself. I had long assumed all the tales were at least partly exaggerated.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I have been going to hardcore punk and metal gigs since I was in my mid teens and old enough to carry a fake ID and look it. I’m no stranger to gig violence at all. I have been punched in the face, kicked in the shins and the only reason I’m still fertile is because I started wearing a box to protect my nuts. And I have been known to dish it out as well.

But what I saw at your show was completely different. I normally like to stand at the front, however when I tried to get there the frau all glared at me and told me to get to the back because “I’m not a real fan.” And I wasn’t the only one. Through the night I watched these bitches harassing everyone who dared to come closer to the stage even from my place at the back of the floor, especially younger women. And their behaviour while you were playing was fucking appalling. You and I both know what is appropriate concert behaviour, particularly in a larger venue. Screaming when you tried to speak, yelling into the monitors and continuing to harass everyone else is not appropriate behaviour anywhere. The worst part was that if I or anyone else said anything back to them, we were fucked. Even if they actually wouldn’t have assaulted me, I wasn’t willing to take the chance especially as almost all of them were twice as wide as me.

You have probably read Smartie and Teevho’s entreaties to grow some balls and tell the frau to fuck off. I’m not going to give you that line. I’m a working muso myself. I know how important it is to have someone fund your lifestyle, even if they are psychotic bitches. And I’ve seen your retorts – the myspace blog, the video etc which are about as much as you can do on the road short of kicking their heads in, which = jail time.

There is, however, one thing you can do.

You’ve mentioned you plan to return to the studio early next year. Great. But here comes the advice.

Give the frau a fuck you through the music.

You’ve mentioned your love of Nine Inch Nails in the past. Get Trent Reznor as a collaborator and producer. Get Chris Cornell back, but don’t accept any half-arsed Carry On/Scream leftovers from him – this is the guy who wrote Jesus Christ Pose, get some of that brutal magic. Collaborate with Jerry Cantrell and have him bust out some classic Alice riffs for you. Don’t let Brian Howes within a hundred miles of the studio. Hell, go to any alternative/indie club night and offer the best bands’ songwriters as much of 19E’s cash as you can to help you write a few tracks. Or go in a totally different direction. Whatever pleases you. But for the love of God, mate, don’t record another album of post-grunge dirges that any real music fan (frau being TV rather than music fans) can hear in a bar every Saturday night. Do something crazy already to show to everyone who matters (i.e. everyone other than a few crazed fat chicks who will leave you next time some other Idol contestant makes their vaginas explode) that David Cook is a legitimate artist, not a TV karaoke performer.

Already you have a pretty big credibility problem as I’m sure you’re aware. The AI powers that be pimped you hard because they thought you could be Daughtry 2.0., but even they’re not stupid enough to realise that it didn’t really work for you the first time. They’ll probably give you another chance, but if this next album is more of the same and doesn’t sell to anyone other than frau, it’s back to playing bars in Kansas City for you. Only now you’re gonna wind up like Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol who follow him everywhere. If you read some of the Idletard Soul Patrol stories, you’ll know what I’m on about. And stuff like a Christmas special won’t help you regain credibility, or a place in Carrie Underwood’s pants.

However, if you show some balls and aren’t afraid to do something a little more hardcore, you might actually have a shot at gaining some credibility with rock fans, who are mostly smart enough to realise a fuck you when they see one and will respect you for having the balls to do so. And who will, yes, buy your stuff.

Get one thing straight first. You are not going to be Nickelback or Creed. Packed out arenas are not in your future unless you’re working the snack bar. Daughtry got lucky because he was able to mostly do his own thing after Idol and that thing happened to be popular. Your nuts belonged to 19E. You couldn’t do that. But now’s your chance, cause with all the focus on Adam Lambert they’ve probably forgotten you anyway.

If you don’t take my advice, enjoy your life as it is now, cause it’s only gonna get worse. Maybe you can marry Svagjina. She’s gonna be a lawler, you know. And I’m sure you can wash the taste of Neal out.

Regards,

The Birdman.

P.S. Speaking of Neal, he hasn’t paid his dues to the Fugly Unwashed Guys Who Play Guitar To Get Laid Union yet. Can you remind him to pay? Paypal account F.U.G.W.P.2.L.U@fuckyouall.com. You’re free to join as well – we need a treasurer.

Google Questions Part 1

October 30, 2009

Dear David,

Today I’m going to start doing something new, answering those questions that crop up from Google. Whole phrases people put in search engines that lead them here.

“does David Cook wear a rug?”

Alright, so only you and your hairdresser know for sure but I’m going to take an educated guess and say no. I’ve seen your hair up close and I know what a wig looks like. Your hairline seems too odd to be a wig. Plus your bangs change shape, direction and thickness along with greasy/non-greasy days. Not possible with a wig.

But, one day soon, perhaps sooner than you think, you’re going to come to that follicle fork in the road and have to make a choice as to what to do about your disappearing hair. Will you shave your head? Rock the balding look? Join Hair Club For Men? Get a wig made from the finest in virgin llama hair?

Fake Rivals Or The Real Thing?

October 28, 2009

Dear Baldy,

I love that the tabloids and gutter press try to start feuds and rivalries that do not exist.  Right now The Hollywood Gossip is trying to make it seem like you and Adam Lambert were having a fashion pose off on the red carpet. Doesn’t look like a fashion shoot out to me. Hell, neither of you look like you’re even remotely interested in the idea in the first place. Adam was not in his usual sparkling alien get up: he’s dressed in a relatively restrained Johnny Cash cum Liberace all black. At first glance I liked your casual outfit till I started noticing that those colors were doing you no favors plus you look pale, greasy and hairy chested. Add a stylist to more security please.

I’m sure your fans and Adam’s fans are going to have a slappy bitch-fight on various websites and boards. It should be amusing even if neither of you are exactly brimming with sartorial splendor.  Did you see Adam’s CD cover?

Another word of advice, that hair, you have to start washing it, or find a different shampoo or something. It looks so greasy those sideways bangs all of the time. You might want to go with a good organic shampoo. All that chemical laden crap isn’t helping with the hair loss.

ETA: Photos for Ghausia

This Is It

October 28, 2009

Dear David,

I saw you twittered from the Nokia last night that you were at the premiere of “This Is It”  Smart of you to be seen on the red carpet as a way to see and be seen. Various media outlets have the same interview with you and Adam Lambert. Keeping your name out in the media is smart.

What is not smart is feeding the fraus media tidbits like your upcoming Christmas special with Carrie Underwood. Which sounds kind of dreadful considering you didn’t even bother to perform seasonal music. You need to more carefully consider which media turns will enhance your career and which will just drive your fans to newer heights of insanity.

Like, very possibly, making up stories and selling them to tabloids to drive board traffic. Those people you really don’t need as fans because it’s really all about them and their needs, not any real appreciation of your music.

A Cookie Recipe? Part 2

October 28, 2009

Hey Baldy,

This is the way that Cookie crumbles.

Today I’ll be tackling the other part of the tard equation of why: the rationalizations. The many excuses fraus make for tarding over you at warp speed. I will be brief as I have art to do and animals to feed.

‘But he owes me because I watched him and voted for him all that season!’ – Baldy, it’s nice to have supporters, but fans are not folks that think that they own you. Voting for someone on a reality show does not give one carte blanche to behave worst than Sanjaya’s Crying Girl. She’s 12, what’s their excuse?

‘But it’s a harmless hobby attending his concerts’ – No, harmless hobbies are things like knitting or scrap booking (ugh!). Music can be a harmless hobby, listening to it, attending concerts, et al. When they take it to the scary level of attending every concert you perform, buy multiple, multiple, multiple copies of your cds. Acting entitled at the concert, pushing, shoving and running over others to get to the front row is so over the top.

‘I know if I just meet him he’ll fall madly in love with me.’ – This frau belief is the one that makes me guffaw the hardest. It shows that none of them have any real ideas about the realities of performing and living on the road. Touring involves getting to the gig, getting through the gig, eating, traveling and sleeping, nothing else. Actually, that’s not strictly true. Sometimes there are those fleeting sexual encounters with the age appropriate opposite sex that mean very little beyond getting ones rocks off. There’s sure not time or inclination for true love on the road. Only in Harlequin romance novels. You and I know this, but it hasn’t trickled down to your fan base yet.

‘He’s sending me messages through his music!’ – If you ever encounter fans that have posted this somewhere online or uttered it to your face you should run! Charles Manson said the same thing about the Beatles ‘White Album’ and look how that worked out for him.

There are more excuses I could post but real life is a calling.

Stay safe and well Baldy.

Add any excuses to the comments and I’ll continue tomorrow when I have more time.

Heard A Rumor

October 27, 2009

Dear Baldy,

It has come to my attention that this whole Kim Johnson story in Star magazine might be fake. It’s rumored one of your follows, one of the extra crazy ones is the source. She is supposed of have done some bad photoshopping and tabloid contacting to leak this sordid story.

Do you really need people that mentally screwed up as fans?

If this is true you need some sort of restraining order asap.

A Cookie Recipe? Part 1

October 26, 2009

Dear David,

Today I thought I’d examine what exactly makes up a Cook Tard Frau. Thinking of the various attributes of your middle aged ‘fan’s’ I am reminded of the words of singer Ian Hunter in his outstanding, unflinching look at a touring band playing rock and roll around the USA, “Diary of a Rock n Roll Star’ You really should consider getting your hands on a copy, Baldy, and reading it cover to cover. I’m sure you’d chuckle over the stories of the grinding boredom of travel, trying to evade the attentions of the groupies and the weird things that happen.

What stood out to me in relation to the old ladies that troop around hopelessly after you are Ian’s thoughts on American ladies in that certain age group, “We find American women from 35-45 exceedingly loud-mouthed, stupid and coarse. No Englishman would stand for them.” Now if he had only added ‘dressed inappropriately, behaving in manners unbefitting their ages and without any sense of decent societal boundaries’ I would say he pegged your herd exactly.

They…

…abandon family, responsibility, children and work to chase you.

…dress either in clothing too young, too tight, too wrong in every way.

…violate most rules of a polite society in order to ‘get close’ to you.

…devolve into a mob mentality that could potentially turn dangerous.

…plunge their families in debt to follow you from pillar to post.

…intrude on your personal space when you’re not busy being that guy up on the stage or tv.

…ply band members with liquor and rumored sex in an attempt to get to you.

…make very inappropriate sexual remarks and innuendo online and at your concerts.

…and the list goes on, I’m sure I missed several million other distinctive characteristics…

I admit I don’t totally get the ‘why’ of what they’re doing but if I had to haphazard a guess I would say that at some point each has found her life to be very seriously lacking something. But instead of addressing the underlying issue, dealing with it and embarking on a course of self-improvement they focus on you. It’s not uncommon to reach the stage of middle age and ask “Is this all that there is?” but most people seek to change those things in their life they don’t like. Except for the frau. Instead they seem to emotionally separate from the things, people and places that make up the bulk of their lives to fixate on some guy that they saw on television.  Before you it was Clay and Constantine and after you it’s Adam Lambert and whoever the next possessor of a dick that wins American Idol.

I’d guess that what they have is a newer, unnamed in the DSM IV, mental disorder. I’ve been contemplating studying it as part of my coursework on mental counseling. I could write a hell of an interesting thesis on this subject I’d bet.

I find it fascinating that they all seem to come from middle class housewife America, no real ambitions or life accomplishments or education, living off the bread earned by some poor slob that doesn’t have a clue what the silly wifey-poo is doing. You don’t seem to find many younger ladies, educated people, those from upper or lower socioeconomic classes, guys or anyone with any alternative creative outlets following you. Your followers are strictly Oprah-watching, chain restaurant eating, Betty Crocker baking, going to the mall, wearing Wal Mart fashion types that Ian Hunter negatively referred to a number of times in his book. I guess the only upside is that they keep selling out your concerts and spending oodles of money buying your CD.

Tomorrow I shall deconstruct more of the ‘why’ and ‘how’ you can possibly break out from this mess. Oh, and the lists of excuses the fraus make to justify their bad behavior.