A Cookie Recipe? Part 1

Dear David,

Today I thought I’d examine what exactly makes up a Cook Tard Frau. Thinking of the various attributes of your middle aged ‘fan’s’ I am reminded of the words of singer Ian Hunter in his outstanding, unflinching look at a touring band playing rock and roll around the USA, “Diary of a Rock n Roll Star’ You really should consider getting your hands on a copy, Baldy, and reading it cover to cover. I’m sure you’d chuckle over the stories of the grinding boredom of travel, trying to evade the attentions of the groupies and the weird things that happen.

What stood out to me in relation to the old ladies that troop around hopelessly after you are Ian’s thoughts on American ladies in that certain age group, “We find American women from 35-45 exceedingly loud-mouthed, stupid and coarse. No Englishman would stand for them.” Now if he had only added ‘dressed inappropriately, behaving in manners unbefitting their ages and without any sense of decent societal boundaries’ I would say he pegged your herd exactly.


…abandon family, responsibility, children and work to chase you.

…dress either in clothing too young, too tight, too wrong in every way.

…violate most rules of a polite society in order to ‘get close’ to you.

…devolve into a mob mentality that could potentially turn dangerous.

…plunge their families in debt to follow you from pillar to post.

…intrude on your personal space when you’re not busy being that guy up on the stage or tv.

…ply band members with liquor and rumored sex in an attempt to get to you.

…make very inappropriate sexual remarks and innuendo online and at your concerts.

…and the list goes on, I’m sure I missed several million other distinctive characteristics…

I admit I don’t totally get the ‘why’ of what they’re doing but if I had to haphazard a guess I would say that at some point each has found her life to be very seriously lacking something. But instead of addressing the underlying issue, dealing with it and embarking on a course of self-improvement they focus on you. It’s not uncommon to reach the stage of middle age and ask “Is this all that there is?” but most people seek to change those things in their life they don’t like. Except for the frau. Instead they seem to emotionally separate from the things, people and places that make up the bulk of their lives to fixate on some guy that they saw on television.  Before you it was Clay and Constantine and after you it’s Adam Lambert and whoever the next possessor of a dick that wins American Idol.

I’d guess that what they have is a newer, unnamed in the DSM IV, mental disorder. I’ve been contemplating studying it as part of my coursework on mental counseling. I could write a hell of an interesting thesis on this subject I’d bet.

I find it fascinating that they all seem to come from middle class housewife America, no real ambitions or life accomplishments or education, living off the bread earned by some poor slob that doesn’t have a clue what the silly wifey-poo is doing. You don’t seem to find many younger ladies, educated people, those from upper or lower socioeconomic classes, guys or anyone with any alternative creative outlets following you. Your followers are strictly Oprah-watching, chain restaurant eating, Betty Crocker baking, going to the mall, wearing Wal Mart fashion types that Ian Hunter negatively referred to a number of times in his book. I guess the only upside is that they keep selling out your concerts and spending oodles of money buying your CD.

Tomorrow I shall deconstruct more of the ‘why’ and ‘how’ you can possibly break out from this mess. Oh, and the lists of excuses the fraus make to justify their bad behavior.

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7 Comments on “A Cookie Recipe? Part 1”

  1. Ghausia Says:

    I’m upper middle class, curl up my nose at sub-standard food and dress in the stylish(also loosely fitted cause I’m fat) clothes and the rendiest brands. Plus if I was thin I’d be really pretty, well hot actually right now I’m pretty. (Please don’t say I’m not pretty its bad for self esteem and then I get depressed and indulge in my self harming gtendencies again) too bad for David I’m not an American. 😀

    • freedavidcook Says:

      You’re the right age for David and you’re cute as a bug.. you would be more appropriate for him than any of the ones I see doing the chasing.

  2. Radio Birdman Says:

    Svagjina is probably the one exception to a couple of those – she isn’t an Oprah watching housewife and, since she got fat before she could snare a guy, probably will never be.

  3. tanked Says:

    Word could really help you with your editing problems. If you’re going to insult people, you might as well have the decency of spelling your words correctly. Just sayin’ 😉

    • freedavidcook Says:

      I am not the Grammar Nazi or claiming to be Earnest Fucking Hemingway. I would have to really care about those things to worry about editing and the like.

  4. tardspotter Says:

    Just saying hi – well done!

  5. Radio Birdman Says:

    Oooh ooh, who is tanked? Svagjina? Kim Kim Kim? Marty Feldman? Skankins? Another Cookfrau?

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