Open Letter To Baldy

Tonight I’m posting a brilliant open letter by The Birdman. Listen up Baldy, he’s speaking wisdom that could impact the rest of your career. Thanks, The Birdman!


Hi Baldy.

You probably don’t remember me. I was at your Seattle show in August – short, skinny, tattooed dark guy in a wifebeater come to mind? Probably not, cause I was right up the back and left early to go get a beer.

I’m also a regular member of the former Idletard and now hang on various AI tard-bashing sites including this one. I know you know of us – one of our members gave you one of our famous Tard Strong bracelets (a high honour, but what did you do with it?) and you ran into the esteemed admin of this site in Virginia. Many Idletard members believe that you used to read the site pretty regularly and that you check out this site as well, although for obvious reasons (fat chick stampede) you don’t admit it.

There’s a reason I’m taking time out of my day to write you this. I like you. I think you’re a funny guy, you have decent taste in music and I can respect anyone with the balls to tackle an Our Lady Peace song on American Idol (although why did you sing the second verse? The first verse of Innocent = 10 times better). But when I went to your show, I was met by what we Idletard-ites (hey, you’re the Word Nerd. Tell me how to do it right, won’t ya.) call the frau. And not just one or two. Several. Several fat, sweaty frau pushing, shoving and bitching their way to the front while stinking up the place and making me (and the hot blonde near me) nauseous. And the show hasn’t even started.

At the time, I was not a regular Idletard member and was merely travelling through America as a way of getting over a break-up. However, when I heard I was in Seattle at the same time you were I remembered the tales of crazed fans I had heard and decided to check it out for myself. I had long assumed all the tales were at least partly exaggerated.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I have been going to hardcore punk and metal gigs since I was in my mid teens and old enough to carry a fake ID and look it. I’m no stranger to gig violence at all. I have been punched in the face, kicked in the shins and the only reason I’m still fertile is because I started wearing a box to protect my nuts. And I have been known to dish it out as well.

But what I saw at your show was completely different. I normally like to stand at the front, however when I tried to get there the frau all glared at me and told me to get to the back because “I’m not a real fan.” And I wasn’t the only one. Through the night I watched these bitches harassing everyone who dared to come closer to the stage even from my place at the back of the floor, especially younger women. And their behaviour while you were playing was fucking appalling. You and I both know what is appropriate concert behaviour, particularly in a larger venue. Screaming when you tried to speak, yelling into the monitors and continuing to harass everyone else is not appropriate behaviour anywhere. The worst part was that if I or anyone else said anything back to them, we were fucked. Even if they actually wouldn’t have assaulted me, I wasn’t willing to take the chance especially as almost all of them were twice as wide as me.

You have probably read Smartie and Teevho’s entreaties to grow some balls and tell the frau to fuck off. I’m not going to give you that line. I’m a working muso myself. I know how important it is to have someone fund your lifestyle, even if they are psychotic bitches. And I’ve seen your retorts – the myspace blog, the video etc which are about as much as you can do on the road short of kicking their heads in, which = jail time.

There is, however, one thing you can do.

You’ve mentioned you plan to return to the studio early next year. Great. But here comes the advice.

Give the frau a fuck you through the music.

You’ve mentioned your love of Nine Inch Nails in the past. Get Trent Reznor as a collaborator and producer. Get Chris Cornell back, but don’t accept any half-arsed Carry On/Scream leftovers from him – this is the guy who wrote Jesus Christ Pose, get some of that brutal magic. Collaborate with Jerry Cantrell and have him bust out some classic Alice riffs for you. Don’t let Brian Howes within a hundred miles of the studio. Hell, go to any alternative/indie club night and offer the best bands’ songwriters as much of 19E’s cash as you can to help you write a few tracks. Or go in a totally different direction. Whatever pleases you. But for the love of God, mate, don’t record another album of post-grunge dirges that any real music fan (frau being TV rather than music fans) can hear in a bar every Saturday night. Do something crazy already to show to everyone who matters (i.e. everyone other than a few crazed fat chicks who will leave you next time some other Idol contestant makes their vaginas explode) that David Cook is a legitimate artist, not a TV karaoke performer.

Already you have a pretty big credibility problem as I’m sure you’re aware. The AI powers that be pimped you hard because they thought you could be Daughtry 2.0., but even they’re not stupid enough to realise that it didn’t really work for you the first time. They’ll probably give you another chance, but if this next album is more of the same and doesn’t sell to anyone other than frau, it’s back to playing bars in Kansas City for you. Only now you’re gonna wind up like Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol who follow him everywhere. If you read some of the Idletard Soul Patrol stories, you’ll know what I’m on about. And stuff like a Christmas special won’t help you regain credibility, or a place in Carrie Underwood’s pants.

However, if you show some balls and aren’t afraid to do something a little more hardcore, you might actually have a shot at gaining some credibility with rock fans, who are mostly smart enough to realise a fuck you when they see one and will respect you for having the balls to do so. And who will, yes, buy your stuff.

Get one thing straight first. You are not going to be Nickelback or Creed. Packed out arenas are not in your future unless you’re working the snack bar. Daughtry got lucky because he was able to mostly do his own thing after Idol and that thing happened to be popular. Your nuts belonged to 19E. You couldn’t do that. But now’s your chance, cause with all the focus on Adam Lambert they’ve probably forgotten you anyway.

If you don’t take my advice, enjoy your life as it is now, cause it’s only gonna get worse. Maybe you can marry Svagjina. She’s gonna be a lawler, you know. And I’m sure you can wash the taste of Neal out.


The Birdman.

P.S. Speaking of Neal, he hasn’t paid his dues to the Fugly Unwashed Guys Who Play Guitar To Get Laid Union yet. Can you remind him to pay? Paypal account You’re free to join as well – we need a treasurer.

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25 Comments on “Open Letter To Baldy”

  1. Radio Birdman Says:

    Awww, Teevho! Thanks.

  2. Smartie Says:


  3. Ghausia Says:

    Best letter to Cook ever Birdman.

  4. Sasha Says:

    You know what would kick ass? If he wrote back telling you all to fuck off. Or maybe you would like to foot the bill for any lawyers he would need if he tried to go against anything 19E wanted him to do?

    • freedavidcook Says:

      My dear, I don’t think we’re the ones he wants to tell to, as you so elegantly put it, ‘fuck off’. No one here is stalking him or any of the other over the top crap he’s had to put up with lo these many months he’s been on the road.

    • Smartie Says:

      Isn’t blog commenting cutting into your slash fiction writing time, Sasha?

    • Radio Birdman Says:

      Sasha, I’m sure Cook wouldn’t tell me to fuck off. He’s shown that he’s much more keen on losing his crazy bitch fans than the three people who actually attend his concerts to see the music.

  5. freedavidcook Says:

    You did good Birdman. Unforch I think 19E still has a hard grip on his cojones. Maybe Sparkle Alien Shriek-Boy Adam Lambert will cause them to lose interest in his career.

  6. nonna-muss Says:

    Excellent letter Birdman! I think you covered everything! I’ve made no secret of being a Cook fan. If he were to put out the music you suggested and which he is totally capable of doing he would have much success and lose all the fat stalker bitches. It’s win/win for him and the rest of us that see the potential. Now I’m gonna go listen to some Axium/AH/MWK to think about what could be.

  7. nonna-muss Says:

    Well, I was just roaming the Cook boards and was deeply saddened to find out that Cook went to an OLP concert last night. He sang Starseed with them. Yes, I know, these are good things. The sad part is that the frau were there. Oh yes they were. And guess where? The front fucking row. I’m not sure which ones except for the one who took the video that has hit Youtube and all the boards. It must freak him the fuck out that he can’t even go to see his favorite band (and close friend Raine Maida) without these fat, smelly bitches showing up.

    They didn’t go because they are huge fans of OLP. They went because OLP was playing in KC while Cook was on a break. They make me sick. I saw on one board that the frauen “ran into him” in the parking lot. Poor guy.

    • Disgusted Cook Fan Says:

      Nonna muss,

      that’s why Cook should NOT announce what he’s doing on twatter until he’s actually there, LOL. He had announced going to the OLP concert ahead of time and the frauen had a chance to buy tickets! I agree with you that almost none of those Cook fans went to see OLP because they are actually huge OLP fans.

  8. Radio Birdman Says:

    Does anyone have any idea of the frau behaviour at the gig?

    I’ve been to a couple of OLP concerts, and while it wasn’t Cannibal Corpse-level insane, they were both pretty full on for a band who play fairly basic mainstream rock. I can’t see Raine telling the crowd to take it easy on the heifers in the front row.

  9. nonna-muss Says:

    Birdman, I know one was tweet spamming him and his brother to come stand by her and to look at her. Then her car got broken into so she continued to tweet spam him saying it was his fault, yadda, yadda, yadda. I hate these bitches more as each day passes.

    • on the edge Says:

      It wasn’t that bald bitch Daina was it? That one’s a piece of work…I think she thinks she’s actually having a Twitter conversation with him. Totally delusional fuckhead.

      • Disgusted Cook Fan Says:

        That’s the first tard I thought of when you said she was blaming him for her car being burglarized – Daina! She’s always bitching at Cook for something, maybe she needs to eat another box of Twinkies and shut the fuck up.

      • freedavidcook Says:

        Isn’t that the same one trying to profit by putting together some ghetto book of all the fan photos of Baldy and charging a ridiculous amount? I guess we know how she’s funding her stalking activities.

      • mustang Says:

        Yes, Pizza Screamer is the one putting together the “charity” book. She wasn’t at the OLP concert.

        One of the other crazies is trying to sell DVDs of video she took at his concerts to fund her next tour. I wonder if he knows his image is potentially illegally being sold to line her pockets.

      • nonna-muss Says:

        Dear Jestro. I haven’t heard about this one yet. I’m askeered to ask, but which crazy is doing this?

      • nonna-muss Says:

        Ah. The same one who went to the OLP show. Thanks.

      • mustang Says:

        Yep, that’s her.

  10. mustang Says:

    No, wonder of wonders it wasn’t Daina this time, but a few of the other batshit crazies who actually live in KC. They’re just as bad as she is, though.

  11. freedavidcook Says:

    You’d think 19E would go after the ones selling the bootlegs or trying to do cellcerts. After all they are infringing on the intellectual property that belongs to 19E.

  12. Radio Birdman Says:

    She will be getting a beatdown from me.

  13. nobunnyearshere Says:

    oh, that cow! I could tell you stories about Angie/zoe-angel/thelma/whateverthefuck other aliases she goes b). She is one scary, self-righteous cow. I can’t bring myself to use that other word that starts with c because it’s just too gross even for my potty mouth. Why in hell should other people, especially normal fans, subsidize her concert-stalking habit? She’s beyond pathetic. Also single, mid forties, heifersized in too tight clothing and hasn’t been laid in years. Seriously.

    I like David Cook’s music. Like his generous soul where raising awareness for cancer cures etc is concerned. Think he’s not bad looking. But I’ve been to one concert not eighty-five, did the normal thing you know listened, cheered and sang when appropriate, STFU the rest of the time, went home after concert over. I wish him well. I’m sure he blocks the cows/fraus on twitter, and doesn’t read back over every post written about or to him. But he needs better security, or stern talks to the security at venues, to stop the madness.

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