The #1 Stalker – Stalking Vs Being A Fan

Dear Baldy,

By now what with the three posts over at Top Idol combined with the internet wide frantic meltdown of Holly Sockpuppets I’m sure you have a clue what a real stalker looks like. I’m going to elucidate the characteristics of each so you’ll be more aware. Did you take out that restraining order on Holly yet? It’s cheap and easy enough to do. Get your manager to do it….


…buy CDs

…go to concerts and listen appreciatively without making a scene or trying to buy someone off.

…don’t have shrines built in the bedrooms complete with ritualistic sacrifice to bribe the devil into forcing artist to fall in love with them.

…might follow you on twitter or myspace but be respectful enough to not spam you even if they occasionally comment on something you’ve said there.

…wish you only success and happiness.

…respect your privacy and your wishes

…don’t crash private events like family funerals and weddings.

…don’t post salacious family details about divorces and other private family matters.

…don’t call all your younger better looking fans ‘sluts’, ‘whores’, or other derogatory dehumanizing sexist monikers.

…would be happy for you when you find someone to love, even temporarily.

…don’t plan their days and entire life around you.

Stalkers do…

…harass family and friends for insider information to the point of stalking them.

…try to get fans that don’t agree with them fired from their jobs.

…make ludicrous claims of insider information or relationship or job position so that they can be head Tard and lord it over the others.

…feed tabloid press false information.

…harass any woman you might have looked at longer than five seconds, steal her photos and info before spewing vitriol towards this person.

…call up the furniture store you bought things at and pump the clerks for personal information.

…become so obsessed with young and attractive women that they hang out on a modeling site and start claiming to others and the press that the modeling site is your little black book.

…make violent threatening public statements towards you or anyone associated with you that they don’t approve of.

…invent an entire army of false identities just so someone will agree with them.

…bring a stack of twenties to a concert to pay off fans and security so she can stand closest to the stage and go to the meet & greet.

…pretend to get cancer when others rat them out.

…pretend to be on a business trip whenever they get outed as a stalker.

…pretend to be this perfect hot anointed person while living in their mothers basement at 50+ and working as a file clerk.

The list just goes on and on.

David, while I might not be a fan of yours I would still hate to see anything bad happen to you because of one crazy-cake women. You seem like a decent guy just trying to make it in this world and deserve as much of a chance at happiness and personal safety as anyone else in this nation. It might be time to take steps to ensure this happens, like taking a restraining order out on Holly Sockpuppets.

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2 Comments on “The #1 Stalker – Stalking Vs Being A Fan”

  1. nonna-muss Says:

    Luckily I fit into every category for fan and none for stalker. Not that I was worried. I have one more show to go to. I wonder what craziness will ensue now that they all think Smartie’s not watching them.

    • freedavidcook Says:

      Oh I’m sure there will be lots of bad behavior on exhibit. They mistakenly think they are safe from Smartie.

      That furniture store story freaks me out.

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