Archive for December 2009

The Gift That Keeps On Giving…

December 23, 2009

And I have a gift for you David and everyone that reads here…

No, it’s not straight jackets or restraining orders for Holly Sockpuppets or the insane Celine twittering suicide threats at Neal Tiemann.

It’s the Ebook of the Chronicles of L Anne Carrington, a lady you’d think might be actually be a fictional character on “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.  She’s not fictional even if she has a definite bend towards fiction. Read about her fake fiancees, fake pregnancies, fake writings, fake weightloss surgeries, fake beauty pageants and other fakeries and forgeries. I guarantee you’ll laugh.  Just try to avoid the nasty porn parts..

http://lannecarringtonbook.com/

Happy Birthday Baldy

December 20, 2009

Heard you sang the National Anthem or tossed out a ball or something for your birthday today.

Hope it was a good day and relatively troll and frau free.

Lamebert Gifts – Ho Ho Ho

December 16, 2009

Dear David,

I know you’re recording, kicking back with family and friends and there’s nothing shaking in the world of crazy Cooktards now that Celine’s thorozine seems to have kicked in and most everyone realizes that Holly Sockpuppets invents all these ‘girlfriends’ for you. It’s quiet, it’s relatively calm.

Except for me. I wiped out in my own house and ended up in the hospital for a few hours. Nothing broken but I did get some of those delicious mind altering type narcotic hillbilly heroin pills to take while my bruises and dignity heals. I even got to feeling like a certain fictionalizing fatty riding around the grocery store in my Rascal all hepped up on pills. But mostly it made me think of evil things after viewing this, er, ah, hmm.. piece of holiday handicraft involving Adam Lambert.

For the Glambert with everything I present For Your Gestation – The Adam Lambert Embryo Ornament for the Christmas tree.

And straight from a day involving pain pills, free time and art supplies may I present that list of Xmas presents for the Glambert in your life. They’re pretty damn ghetto.

Jingle Sperm Ornament

Why do a fetus when you can go all the way back to Spermhood. Here we have The Sperm who stole Christmas.  His glittery eye shadow grew 3 sizes that day.

Aftermath Paper

Not feeling fresh after that deluxe burrito platter you ate turned from a solid to a liquid in record time? Need something glittery and swanky to wipe with? Does a cartoon bear shit in the woods with toilet paper hanging from a nearby tree?  If you gotta go, go glamorous and oh so fierce, bitches! Sparkly toilet paper.

Time For Miracles Combination Makeup Applicator/Vibrator

Have crater canyon face so bad it scares small children and animals and the blind mistake it for a diorama map of the surface of the moon? Horny? Now you can take care of both needs with the handy dandy makeup trowel with glittery vibrating handle.  Doesn’t include batteries and manufacturer cannot be held liable for any Sparkle Cow confusing which end for another.


Magic Diet Pills

Buns getting chubster?  Do you have more chins than old football-playing Madam?  Then slim down the Madam way with his magically pinky sparkly diet pills. You’ll forget to eat (and bath, change clothes, brush your teeth or behave with any semblance of normality)  as you take these magical slimming pills.

Warning.. may contain ingredients that cause liver failure, rapid heart beat, feeling of bugs on skin, loss of teeth, craters and sores on skin, paranoia and hallucinations but at least you’ll leave a skinny corpse.

Google Questions #13 Hairy Care-y

December 11, 2009

Dear Baldy,

It’s been a few since I posted the weird searches.  This weeks top two I’m not even going to comment on except to say that they relate to yesterday’s posting here and at Top Idol.

“Neal Tiemann Fucks Krunk Jess”

“Neal Tiemann Fucks Celine”

Who knows at this point.  I don’t want to know.  If he did I hope he wore the entire three pack of Trojans on Mr. Happy.  Safety first!

Here’s the last few weeks worth of the giggle-worthy.

“Porny to free” – Uhhh, is someone looking for free pron?

“Fuck Yeah David Cook” – This one conjures up images of concerts and guys with lighters at the encore yelling ‘Fuck YEAH!’

“Free Good Twats” – Someone on the hunt for nookie. I guess the pron wasn’t enough.

“Propecia Baldy Cook” – Now this one made me spit my coffee out on the keyboard!  I could be mistaken but isn’t Propecia the drug that allows your hair to regrow but has other side effects, like, you know, the inability of Mr. Happy to work. So it lets you regrow the hair to attract the ladies but once you’ve got them the most you’d be capable of doing with them is playing Monopoly.

“stalking Holly”We’ve covered this one before but there’s lots of versions of this search.

“What does David Cook use on his hair” – If I had to guess I’d say you grab the first thing that strikes your fancy from the drugstore shelf.  I don’t know what the AI stylists were using on your hair but you should get some immediately.  Or a good organic shampoo that won’t add to the hair loss, like Hugo Naturals.

“ten porny” – Another horny lonely search.

“rug comb” – I hope they were looking for this and not this. Makes me laugh that if you Google this term this site pops up on the first page of results.  No, sorry Googlers, I know very little of wigs, combs or rug combs. The only rug combs I have any expertise in are the type you use to clean your horse tack.

Run, Neal Tiemann, Run!

December 10, 2009

Dear David,

For once I’m not talking to you. You’ve reached the end of the tour that never ends and are safely tucked away from frau madness, Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets and the scary others in the recording studio. Go nuts on the music and soar in creativity. Godspeed and good luck with the recording.

I do have things to say about the end of your tour and your crazier fans plus that Christmas special but I’ve been distracted with Trannypeegate and the wonderful world of the holidays. And work, longer hours at work, fewer of us doing more things because of the economic meltdown. Soon I’ll return.

Now I concerned for Neal, your guitarist, the one I always refer to so affectionately as an alcoholic fug that may or may not have banged Krunk Jess in a bathroom. His twitter is being overwhelmed by the crazy postings of one Celineps1 .  The things she’s saying lead me to believe she has real potential to boil a bunny on Neal’s stove before chasing him around with sharp pointy objects.

Top Idol is going to post the screen caps later of all the insanity this chick is saying so I’ll refrain from that but the sheer volume of her postings is scary, like someone obsessed to the point of going after the object of their focus. She has Neal as her background on her twitter and posts that her location is ‘in Tiemanns pants’. But that’s not scary, that’s merely pathetic. What is scary is her many many many postings alleging she’s involved with Neal, that he’s on drugs and various other things. It’s like the fantasy land in her mind has exploded into a radioactive fallout. There are even a few borderline threats and then this gem…

The scariest thing she’s posted is “If the good ones die young then…b careful”

Neal, you need to get on the horn to your agent and get a restraining order asap unless you don’t care what turns up in your stocking on Christmas being stabby stabby.

This is why you don’t boff crazies on the road…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ETA @ 2:00 pm est

She’s still at it. This is what she posted to Neal about the photo he posted from last night…


celineps1 on December 10, 2009
I luv this! And the usual suspects here fallin all over themselves to kiss ure purdy ass ha! He did it for me. U look great honey so excited…

Google Questions #12

December 1, 2009

I’ve been so transfixed by the Adam Lambert shenanigans that I have neglected to post much of anything. Forgotten the odd searches. Some of these I need help with today because I ain’t got a clue.

fyea Neil Tiemann tattoo – Is that ‘fuck yeah’?  I try not to look too closely at Neil.  Poor thing isn’t very pretty looking.

What does Andy Skib girlfriend do? – Besides him? Again, no clue, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, take your pick.

Dating for Baldies – Wasn’t aware there was certain dating protocol for guys going bald.  Here’s the only one I can think of  ‘Don’t wear a rug. She’ll figure it out and be very turned off’

Tattoo Insanity – There’s a diagnosis code for this in the DSM IV?

Smarties Fat Cow –  Lots of fat cows around.  Not sure how many belong to Smartie.  Or is it if you eat a lot of Smarties, that tart candy that’s a knock off of Sweetarts, you’ll turn into a fat cow.

Insane Cook Porno – No, I’m not going there.  Going to pretend I don’t know what this is.  I don’t want to know.

Ending…

December 1, 2009

….with a bang not a clusterfuck.

Listen up David,

As was pointed out yesterday in the comments now is the dangerous time for you in Fantardlandia.  Now and few remaining gigs.  Get more security, add a few more strong arms and for the love of blubber, stop the meets & greets.

Why?

Because with the end of your tour the tard stakes get ratcheted up to an entirely new level of daring and insanity.  I expect the tard antics to get crazier as the possibility of meeting/seeing you starts to evaporate like water in the Sahara. Expect assaults on the tour bus, lies to get inside your hotel/bus/rehearsal/toilet time/whatever.  The concert shrieking will get louder and the same old faces will act sillier.

The end of the tour just has to hold them until your Christmas special with Carrie Underwood airs.  But after that your tard pack faces a long amatory desert with no you while you work on your album.  The tard meltdowns will be so spectacularly ugly.

Good for me, bad for you.  You actually have to suffer through the stunts, I merely get to point and laugh along with everyone else.