Lamebert Gifts – Ho Ho Ho

Dear David,

I know you’re recording, kicking back with family and friends and there’s nothing shaking in the world of crazy Cooktards now that Celine’s thorozine seems to have kicked in and most everyone realizes that Holly Sockpuppets invents all these ‘girlfriends’ for you. It’s quiet, it’s relatively calm.

Except for me. I wiped out in my own house and ended up in the hospital for a few hours. Nothing broken but I did get some of those delicious mind altering type narcotic hillbilly heroin pills to take while my bruises and dignity heals. I even got to feeling like a certain fictionalizing fatty riding around the grocery store in my Rascal all hepped up on pills. But mostly it made me think of evil things after viewing this, er, ah, hmm.. piece of holiday handicraft involving Adam Lambert.

For the Glambert with everything I present For Your Gestation – The Adam Lambert Embryo Ornament for the Christmas tree.

And straight from a day involving pain pills, free time and art supplies may I present that list of Xmas presents for the Glambert in your life. They’re pretty damn ghetto.

Jingle Sperm Ornament

Why do a fetus when you can go all the way back to Spermhood. Here we have The Sperm who stole Christmas.  His glittery eye shadow grew 3 sizes that day.

Aftermath Paper

Not feeling fresh after that deluxe burrito platter you ate turned from a solid to a liquid in record time? Need something glittery and swanky to wipe with? Does a cartoon bear shit in the woods with toilet paper hanging from a nearby tree?  If you gotta go, go glamorous and oh so fierce, bitches! Sparkly toilet paper.

Time For Miracles Combination Makeup Applicator/Vibrator

Have crater canyon face so bad it scares small children and animals and the blind mistake it for a diorama map of the surface of the moon? Horny? Now you can take care of both needs with the handy dandy makeup trowel with glittery vibrating handle.  Doesn’t include batteries and manufacturer cannot be held liable for any Sparkle Cow confusing which end for another.

Magic Diet Pills

Buns getting chubster?  Do you have more chins than old football-playing Madam?  Then slim down the Madam way with his magically pinky sparkly diet pills. You’ll forget to eat (and bath, change clothes, brush your teeth or behave with any semblance of normality)  as you take these magical slimming pills.

Warning.. may contain ingredients that cause liver failure, rapid heart beat, feeling of bugs on skin, loss of teeth, craters and sores on skin, paranoia and hallucinations but at least you’ll leave a skinny corpse.

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2 Comments on “Lamebert Gifts – Ho Ho Ho”

  1. Smartie Says:

    😆 Love it

  2. girl from mars Says:

    Can you make the Jingle Sperm with a Star of David on it for me?

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