Archive for January 2010

Truth About Superbowl, AI OCD & The Grammys

January 31, 2010

Dear Davenstein,

Yesterday I asked about the whole search for ‘American Idol OCD’ and tonight I stumble across this gem.

[redlasso id=”a50ff349-9e6a-490c-a65f-f936329e43e0″]

You try to touch her remote during AI and she’s going to get all Stabby-McStabby on your ass! I didn’t know OCDers could get violent like that.

Did you see Adam Lambert’s get up at the Grammys? He looked like KFCs Colonel Saunders ass raped Elvis Presley resulting in him and then someone came along and peed on his suit. I was very confused with the whole look.  He tries too hard and it never works.

But the internet is buzzing with the news that you were sighted practicing the National Anthem for the Superbowl. Are you teaming up with your pal Carrie Underwood? She’s booked to sing the opening song. Or are you a last minute substitution? Numerous sighting reports are coming in. Mehh, whatever.

Google Searches #15

January 30, 2010

Dear Baldy,

The big fun of Google keyword searches is the random and bizarre nature of them. Over ten years ago I used to have a blog where some freak kept booging in on the search term “Used sanitary napkin fetish” and it took me awhile to figure out the why. Example. This is close to what I wrote with the searched words highlighted.

I discovered I’d used up all my paper supplies before the big party, so I had to scramble around at the last second. The only party store in town always seemed so dowdy, dusty and not very sanitary that I was reluctant to purchase anything for so important a social gathering as this.  But I found a box of  nice paper napkin sets in the back of the china cabinet at home. And as the days passed leading up to the party I developed almost a cleanliness fetish in a futile attempt to keep our drawing room immaculate.

So any old super crazy term can be searched for in an oh so innocent posting. But my dark sense of humor always chortles and giggles over them. This weeks crop from this blog.

‘Tranny Mary Ann Ellis Holly” – of all the search terms I’ve seen on this blog this one makes me laugh the hardest! Mary Ann does look a little manly in some photos even if I cannot detect the presence of a shaved down Adams Apple.

‘Neal Tiemann krunk” – Neal seems to have slowed down on his boozy tweets but you never know. Look for him the liver transplant ward near you soon.

They are crazy bad bitches” – One mans crazy bitch is another mans love goddess. Unless they have crazy eyes.

“Man on the run David Cook” – Well Baldy, you’ve run on the Cancer fundraiser run. I witnessed you with my own two eyes running down the stairs at Urban Outfitters and I have a feeling you’ve had to run to escape your fans. Outrunning blubbery frau should be easy for you now.

“Porno Horse” – Enough with the bestiality!  Ugh! When I think of horses I want to think about “My Friend Flicka” or “Black Beauty” not “Nasty Hos Drilled By Horse Dick”

“Harpies Disease” – I think some folks call this ‘The Marriage Disease” and can run both ways, Nag-ee and Nag-er can be either sex. Unless is refers to the nekkid serenading chicks on the rocks in ‘The Iliad”

“Porny To” – No idea

“American Idol OCD” – Is that when you insist everyone shut the hell up around you, not breath, think or bother you when AI is on? Or that time when you grasp your cell phone like it’s your only lifeline and dial again and again voting for your choice, like some rat in a science experiment hitting the feeder bar for another crack rock until it passes out?

“Frau Madam Porn” – Hell to the NAW!! For the last time. Madam is gay. Madam is openly gay. Gay men do not boff old fat women regardless of the circumstances or the horny.

‘Teen Pusi wit black Cook Cock free porno” – Porn search for the super illiterate? If you’re that filled with spelling fail you should probably just give up on the internet.

“Neal Tiemann dating Kira Von Sutra” – Oh, I hope this one is true! Just the idea of a green haired gal with an interesting style dating Neal is bound to send Celinesp1 and THEKimberly off the deep end into Crazytown. The twitter war will be comic gold!

“David Cook fucks” – I hope Baldy is getting laid out there somewhere. Everyone needs lovin’, just not frau lovin’

“David Cook tattoo lies” – How do tattoos lie?

Neal, Madam & You

January 29, 2010

Hey Dave,

Forget everything I said about your fans being deranged. Some of them are, but not the bulk of them.

The same cannot be said of Adam Lambert’s Sparkle Cow herd!

The same night you’re playing at the Morongo Events Center Mr Lambert will be shilling to the fraus at a 10th rate casino in Indio. He is playing at the aptly named Fantasy Springs Casino. More Sparkle Cow like, less Coachilla Fest.  I’m laughing over this grand Liberace-like debut concert after the end of Idol. Career fail.

The good news that holds is there is some of the crazy fan overlap that will undoubtedly drooling on the glitter bedecked stage at Adam Lambert’s sparkling tootsies. May your gig be filled with normal fans.

Also Neal, you really need to get some help for Neal. Not about his drinking, but protection from Celinesp1. She’s making crazy threats at him on twitter. THEKimberly seems determined to rumble with her so I’d have some security guards around to haul both of their asses to the pokey. Tell Neal to stick to blowjobs from hookers. Hookers usually will not boil your bunny afterward foolish sexual adventuring. At the very least tell him not to accept behind the bus blowjobs from gals with crazy eye syndrome.

Green…

January 26, 2010

…. as in cocks, envy, men, grass, money, whatever..  there’s been a lot going on in the world of Idol this week, Sir Baldy and pals, that makes me laugh and think green.

Cocks – I saw you posted this as a look at your new sound for the CD –

So the rooster isn’t technically green. He’s black, close enough. What was funny about this is while you meant it as a joke some of the crazier ones took it was an opportunity to spam you about your gonads via double entendres about cocks. You walked right into that one.

Envy – Apparently Chris Sligh got into a twitter war with first Kris Allen fans and then Adam Lambert fans just because he started that Kris was ‘pitchy’ singing the National Anthem for the NFC championship in New Orleans. I didn’t think Kris was anything but awesome in his turn singing.

Judge for yourself. I think he’s right on key to my ear.

Let’s visit this ‘pitchy’ so blithely tossed about by Randy Jackson and now Sligh. It’s not even a real musical term. You’re either off key or on key, flat or sharp, none of bitchy pitchy crapola. Either the harmonics and tonality are correct or they are not. No ‘pitchy’ about it. Sligh should know better.

He obviously didn’t know any better than to engage the Lambert Sparkle Cows from what I saw on Twitter & his blog. I believe Sligh is jealous.

Not only is he suffering from the Green Eyed Monster of Envy those same Sparkle Cow fans of Adam Lamberts are as well. They’ve moaned that Kris Allen got to sing at the UFC game, they took his remarks about going to Haiti on a missions trip as alternately the ravings of a drunk in a city known for drunken rowdiness.  They complained about his almost losing his life on another missions trip, acting like Kris is being the grandest of all attention whores. Only in the Sparkle Cow universe does happy giddy behavior mean drunk and unselfish acts of charity and empathy equal bad.

Chris Sligh is right about one thing. He said that the Sparkle Cows were harming Adam Lambert’s career future. There is no doubt about that. They are tanking it faster As long as they believe that the world revolves around Adam and people that do not believe are evil. At least your crazier fans do not begin to approach Mad Sparkle Cow Disease, Baldy.

Men –  This posted today by the GRO is just too funny. Looks like life on the road has you sporting the beginnings of a little belly there.

psst!! -to L Anne who keeps Googling herself.  I saw a display of the same tiaras you’ve been photographed in down at Wal Mart for a mere 12 dollars. You might want to stock up.

A Sock Hunting We Will Go..Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets Sock Farm

January 24, 2010

Dear David,

I hate it when socks go missing in the wash. You start out with five matched pairs but by the time you sit down to fold there seems to be random missing socks. Is there a hole in the time/space continuum straight from my swanky European washer/dryer to some alternate sock-heaven or something? Sven gets upset when his Swedish massage socks fall through the portal to other dimensions.

Not interested in socks are you?

This might interest you.  Two of Mary Ann/Holly’s newer Sock Puppets are pretending to be real life friends of yours, using the friends real names and everything.  One of the fake ladies she’s using the gals nickname but with other one Mary Ann is taking creative spelling license. I’m thinking this is just so she can claim it’s not her dumber Wingman moves. It allows her into tricking the gullible and dumb into believing they really know you. But we all know this is more sock-foolery.

David Cook Uncensored is nothing if not a thriving Sock Farm, more puppets than legitimate members.  Nothing speaks more deeply of attention whorism than all the relentless sock puppetry.  I loved what Encyclopedia Dramatica had to say about Sock Puppets

“Multiple accounts are the natural result of a non-anonymous website. People switch accounts just to stay anonymous. But a sock puppet is when a person uses these accounts to prove they’ve not gotten laid for a very long time, if ever.”

I guess that explains all those photos of Mary Ann and her dog looking friendly.

Loving that ED mentions that one of the best ways of dealing with sock puppets is to make fun of them. Epic fail Mary Ann/Holly.

Also loving that awesome turn by Kris Allen singing the National Anthem at tonight’s playoff game between the Saints and the Vikings. That boy can wail!

A Sock Puppet, A Sock Puppet, My Kingdom For A Sock Puppet!

January 23, 2010

I understand Baldy that the Mary Ann/Holly Sock Puppets have been in overdrive over at David Cook Uncensored. Spinning, whirling, flip-flopping trying to figure out who sussed out her split personalities. She’s been issuing threats. Threats about taking down the board because she is no longer that interested in you. Particularly if your next offering flops. Well, fickle is the heart of a certain female.

Even funnier are her threats of  the legal variety. The sock puppets have all been yammering on about law soots Mary Ann/Holly/Puppeteering Is Us have supposedly filed against Idoltard, Top Idol and others. Funnily enough none of us have received letters or summons to court yet. Could it be an idol, errr, idle threat? I understand that KC from the Pink Board has been waiting 4 years for her summons. I guess the wheels of justice grind slowly but exceedingly fine.

Baldy, if I could tell Mary Ann/Holly/Multiplying Sock Puppets O’ Splendor one thing it would be this: give it up. Get hobbies, like knitting or reading to the blind, harmless doings.  But step away from the computer please.  Close DCU and take a sledgehammer to your computer because it’s not healthy to be doing all this nonsense and drama. Stop inventing fake girlfriends for David. Stop popping up under a zillion names. Stop playing with other people before you end up in the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.

Cookoo, Fran & Ollie

You notice Mary Ann isn’t getting crunked up to blow the dog in this rendering.

I think what we need to do next is put together a comprehensive chart of all the upcoming Idol guys and start betting on who Mary Ann/Holly tards over this coming season. David, you’ll be off her radar once she does her two year Idol rotation…

Google Searches #14

January 20, 2010

Dear Baldy,

I’ve been neglectful of the strange Google searches in the last month. Sometimes it bes that way because real life is busy busy.

Yesterday when I put in that short bit about your Best Buy punking I looked at some of the Google searches and pulled the top three oddies. Today I looked at the data base and pulled these too.

Mouth Harpies Disease

Andy Skib Teeth

Twats That Suck

Would David Cook date a fan?

Holly Sockpuppet Insider

How to cook Mundo

Insane Cook brothers

Seems like some sort of strange poetry.