Archive for February 2010

Wet Fat Asses

February 24, 2010

Dear Baldy,

The last dozen or so times when I’ve gone to the gym I’ve been in the dressing room in various states of dishabille when your voice has flooded the area. You must be on heavy rotation on Sirius on certain stations. I always laugh because I’m surrounded by things that remind me of your fraus, tons of wet fat ass.  Except this ass is mother nekkid.  I didn’t know fat lady ass came in so many different varieties. Makes me feel like in the midst of a concert by you. It’s disturbing…

But not as disturbing as the continued Twitter antics of one Celine.  Heard that security was on the lookout for her at the Mid West Kings concert last weekend. Supposedly she overslept or was drunk or something.

I think she knew she’s get sissy slapped by some of your other fraus or security.

Are you going to have security comb tomorrow’s crowd for any sign of crazy frau? Good luck with that! Might it look something like this?

Google Questions #17

February 19, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Didja have fun singing backing vocals and playing guitar for Andy last night? Guess you weren’t as attention whoring as I thought. Was it nice to see the same old crazy fat faces in your immediate line of vision out there? I’m guessing that’s probably a no.

Be grateful they aren’t doing the dick handling – nut tugging Adam Lambert fans have done to him. He looked so out of his mind on Peruvian Marching Powder that he didn’t seem to notice at first that the hands groping him were either  female, bony and age spotted or ham fisted plump feminine mitts. I understand all about enjoying recreational substances while performing but I think Madam took it a little too far that night.  I guess at least it wasn’t tranny pee.

Okay, so it’s time to look at the weirder Google searches that have landed folks here recently. It’s quite the bizarre list. I’m not even sure I’m going to comment on any of them..

Romance David Cook – So what does it take, Baldy? A bottle of Ripple and the underwear section of the Sears & Roebuck catalog? Candy and flowers?  Midgets bearing filled enema bags? Your public is apparently dying to know.

Tard Strong Bracelet – That’s the only type of jewelry I do not possess and wish I did. Idletard’s Smartie gave those out as rewards for bringing great frau sightings and the like.  I would put it right next to my “Prosecute Bush/Cheney For War Crimes” bracelet.

Insane Wig – Insane as in William Shatner wig insane or as in Phylis Diller insane or Bozo?

Free Porn Sex Whorse – There are whore horses?

Porny Bitches – ????

My Little Porny – Beginners porn.

Insane Cook Brothers – Seem pretty normal from here.

David Cook meet & greet Morongo 2010 – Le sigh.

Love is a blond hore with mental diesese – Hore is a town in the Tikare Department of Bam Province in northern Burkina Faso. So someone thinks that a blond from Hore that’s crazy is the meaning of love.

Free Tranny Gondas Mouvie – I know what ‘Free’ and ‘Tranny’ are but Gondas could either be a town in Ethiopia or a sub shop in Pennsylvania.

Baldy Holly used what guitars? – Did someone combine your DNA and Buddy Holly’s and make some sort of Frankentarist?

David Cook Agnostic – I wouldn’t believe in God either if I was being chased by those heifers.

Twenty Four Hours To Tulsa Dumbass

February 18, 2010

Baldy, Baldy, Baldy,

When reports like those I’m hearing start rolling in I begin to think you’re kind of an idiot.

So Andy and pals are playing a gig in Tulsa. That’s awesome. Andy has a great voice and surely some of your tin-plated fame will rub off on him and he’ll have a shot at a real career that doesn’t involve hordes of cooing old fat ladies.

And the venue released the info that you will be a special guest at this gig for a millisecond before pulling it from their website. Stupid on their part and not particularly smart on your part. You should let Andy have his spotlight instead of horning in on it.

The fraus have been massing to attend this event because of the possibility you might turn up to support your friends. Celine is twatting she’ll be there with her imaginary gang to kick Kim,Kim,Kim, Krunk Jess and Svagina’s collective enormous asses. (I want to see photos of that even though I think it’s lame bullshit, idle threats, selling wolf tickets)  Celine, don’t forget your kneepads and to scout out which bushes to hang out in to improve your chances of handing out blowjobs to the band.

One of the fraus was on your flight to Tulsa. She twatted, tweeted and pissed her pants in excitement.

So it’s shaping up like your typical frau-laden clusterfuck. Enjoy.

And what the fuck up is up with that passive aggressive photo you have on your twitter now? An arrow pointing at your junk yet holding up a hand saying stop. Very passive aggressive, another visual hagiography for your worshipers to dissect endlessly.

Happy Birthday L Anne

February 8, 2010

Dear David, look away and save your eyesight. Please, I beseech you since this doesn’t involve you.. unless your sense of humor is as sick as mine..

Yes, yes, today is the birthday of L Anne, just in time for Book Three of her Chronicles.  Don’t you think I did a fetching drawing of her meaty hamhocks?  It’s quite a masterful tale that someone has woven. Sounds very much like the drivel our birthday girl spouts.


We Have A Winner!

February 3, 2010

“Cheese or snow?” -Rusty Griswold in the movie European Vacation’

That was the question last night, do we watch cheese or snow? Sven and I lolled around on our sofa and debated this while the snow was falling heavily outside. Snow sometimes messes with our ability to receive television stations. So instead of The History Channel or Keith Olbermann we ended up with the cheese, ‘American Idol’. It was literally cheese or snow.

I’m glad we watched the cheese fest that was the Denver auditions even if I started wanting to slap the fuck out of Kara very quickly. It revealed something I’ve been anticipating for months now; This Years Frau Bait!

David, you should be rejoicing right now because Casey James has been deemed the winner of all things frau! Any moment now your nuttier fans and more persist fans will be dumping you like a fully filled Depends adult diaper for this guy.

Poor Casey James does not know what type of Pandora’s Box he opened by the mere act of audition for Idol. He’s got a good sob story that the fraus like, motorcycle injuries. He looks sort of like a male model. When he appeared I sat up and muttered, ‘What’s wrong with this one? He’s too good looking for Idol.”

Somewhere in the distance I could hear the panties and jaws dropping of a million fantards.

He’s got that Southern accent thing going on. He’s got the Fabio long blond hair thing happening and he plays the guitar.

On the minus side he seems to have the personality and charisma of a turnip. But that could just be nerves.

So how do I know that this dude is getting ready to snipe all your insaner frau away with his bare chest and girly golden locks?  Because Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets had sockpuppet Awesome-Dave at David Cook Uncensored asking away what everyone thought about lamb to the slaughter of stupidity Casey James.  That’s a good declaration of interest.

Good for you because the untrue stories in the tabloids about your love life will stop.

Poor Casey James. Poor poor Casey James, he has no idea what he’s in for.

Google Questions #16

February 2, 2010

Dear Baldy,

More wacky Google searches. Good gopher gravy I love ’em! Nothing funnier than the words that lead to here. Especially since there’s naught happening the world of Baldy-ism right now but you writing and recording your new music. Hope it’s going well and the creative juices are flowing.

“Organic Tattoo” – I am extremely confused by this one because even if ink is ‘organic’ it doesn’t mean it’s all safe and shit. I’m reminded of my Siamese that liked to chew on one of my art pens back in college. I couldn’t figure out the why until hearing that the ink in it was made up partially from ground up bugs. Someone ‘splain to me the difference between organic and non-organic tattooing please.

“I Love Lori Anne” – I think L Anne Carrington, authoress of some of the world’s worst fiction and noted plagiarist, has been riding her Hoveround/Rascal scooter without bringing along the oxygen tank.  Would not surprise me if she was self-Googling without probable cause again to see if she mattered to anyone than our usual gang of chortling meanies.

However I am hoping this means that VH1 is developing  a show around her called “FUPA of Love”

“Tranny Porn” – Is that anything like the Tranny Honey I spotted out and about today?

“Run from a sociopath” – what you have to do every single day out on the road and what Neal is having to do now to date the green haired gal.

“David Cook hair loss secrets” – Looks like some dumbass thinks you’re trying to lose your hair on purpose instead of naturally.

“David Cook sociopath” – Are you a sociopath? You don’t seem like it. In fact, I got a kick out of you and the kids on that house building show. You painting picture frames with sick kids is very anti sociopathic I think.  Now certain of your biggest fans, *cough, coughmaryannellishollysockpuppetscough, cough* is a different story.

“Big Cook Porn” – I’m guessing someone wants a certain lardy chef’s manicotti up their chitterlings. Didn’t even know there were chubber chaser porn for the gourmand.

“Horny Old Lady Porn” – I’m pretty sure that’s what paperback romance novels are and what keeps Lifetime Network For Women on the air.