Archive for March 2010

Africa, New Orleans, Tattoos and Hair Raising Hair Lines

March 28, 2010

Dear Baldy,

I guess I can’t call you that any longer since you did something surprising/startling/new with your hair. While it’s obviously still very thin in places you’re cut off the bangs into a Daniel Mead.

Eric Mabius (Daniel Mead – “Ugly Betty”) could eat crackers in my king sized bed any night of the week if I were free and single and younger.

I’ve heard speculation you’re had hair plugs or Hair Club For Men or some other artificial means of hair raising when the new do appeared. Not sure it’s not just your natural hairline. Looks better than those bangs. You know what they used to call bangs in the pre-Victorian era? Lunatic fringe.

Tempted to nickname you ‘Peanut’ Never noticed before how weird the shape of your head is.

Heard you attended the 2010 Ezra Open in my hometown of New Orleans. Good on you. My hometown needs all the help it can get. So how drunk did you get on Bourbon St?

And this week you’re flying out to Africa to help the UN Foundation. Another good on you. But… drink lots of bottled water and watch your step.  Take the prophylaxis drugs they give you and prepare for an unforgettable experience. I’m pretty sure the only large wrinkled-skin mammals you will see there will not be your retarded frau tard pack. And the elephants probably smell better too.

But what’s with the nibbled down to nothing fingernails? Nasty habit that will surely expose you to some nasty unknown germs on the African continent if you chomp and chew your nails there.

So now I’m done with the pushy advice and speculation that pops in my mind when I listen to what your tards are talking about. The biggest weirding me out thing your tards have been up to was that shitaeously ugly tattoo of Andy Skib some proud fantard got.

I saw this much earlier in the week at several boards and today at Top Idol. It’s super-creepy looking. At first I didn’t know exactly what it reminded me of until I was channel surfing and saw a few seconds of one of those prison life specials on MSNBC. Some prisoner had one the same size and color as this freaky looking Andy. Except his was of some chick with big hooters and flames behind her head.

There’s nothing wrong with getting a tattoo per se but your tards take it way too far into the creepy and inappropriate territory. I’ve heard tales of your tour bus logo ending up on someone’s rubbery floppy dugs and The Mid West Kings logo on someone elses back along with loads of poorly executed song lyrics on various body parts.  Glad no one has tried to get your face on their back like one of Adam Lambert’s Sparkle Cows did (Hitler Lambert)

I think the thing I find the most disturbing about these tattoos, other than the fact that most of these women are going to seriously regret tattooing the face of a fleeting crush permanently on their bodies as they age and sag, are the subjects. No, not Madam, let some Sparkle Cow put the Glittery Faking Alien on their heinies. It’s the fact that they are putting the face of a nice young kid like Andy, young enough to have emerged from most of their vaginas, on themselves. It’s just sick and wrong on so many levels.

Adam Lambert: Second To No One Review

March 26, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Thank Buddha that none of Archuletta’s rabid followers cooked up a conspiracy theory about how you stole Idol from poor little boy David Archuletta. Although I would not put it past his Daddy. That is one messed up dude.

There’s been an interesting controversy over at Top Idol for the last month. One of Adam Lambert’s tards, one Kerry Kolsch of Miami Florida has written a tome alleging a conspiracy over Adam Lambert’s failure to win Mr. American Idol in his season. According to the bits and pieces posted from the book everywhere online it’s a vast conspiracy with roots reaching into government, business, and beyond. She somehow manages to trample every copyright of AI and defame a long list of people with unproven allegations and smear tactics.

If you were thinking about spending $11.95 buying this work of art don’t bother. It’s a fairy tale conspiracy that makes what the Tea Party crew think up look almost rational. You’re better off sticking with reading the comments at Top Idol since they have all the salient points of the book up on the comments.

I came up with my own conspiracy theory as to how this book might have had its genesis.

Disclaimer: What follows below is a work of fiction inspired by the comments at Top Idol.

Late afternoon sunshine poured through the open slats of the shade into a room painted some industrial shade of beige. Sitting directly beneath the heavily barred window were three ladies, all middle aged, all looking as though they were missing washers in their brains. Slack faces, gawping mouths, vacant eyes staring leadenly at the flickering glow emanating from an ancient television. The plastic safety shield over the screen was smeared with a grimy coating of drool and the grease of a thousand grasping hands.

As other patients in the Sunnyside Mental Hospital milled around in the rec room these three sat there like retarded bumps on the log staring at a very smeary Oprah Winfrey. “Opera” one of them whispered, “Opera, Opera”  But everyone ignored her quiet mutterings, continuing to shuffle around like zombies on crack in old bathrobes or sweats.

But the entire vibe of the room changed in an instant as Oprah introduced her musical guest. The man looked like an off-kilter Elvis, as if he were the offspring of Elvis and drag queen Divine. Greased black pompadour, shiny glittery clothing and makeup Tammy Faye Bakker would be proud to sport. When he opened his mouth it wasn’t melodic. Instead shrieky warbling assaulted the ear drums of the listeners as the man butchered a Led Zepplin song. In the glass fronted nurses station one of the burly attendants turned to another and suggested, “Perhaps we should turn the volume down. That caterwauling  is enough to stunt corn from growing all the way over in the next county.”

As he found the remote control and turned the volume down to a mere whisper the middle watcher of the trio on the sofa started to vibrate as if she on fire. Her crazy eyes rimmed with cheap kohl rolled and she flailed and cart wheeled onto the floor before running to the television set. Her uncombed hair flew like an electrified nimbus around her head as she tried to claw the tv set as if to clutch the gyrating poser inside. She began to shriek a string of unconnected words, babbling that made no logical sense, “ADAMADAMADAM LAMBERT GLITTERYSPARKLINGALIENLIZARDKINGSEXGOD OPERAOPERACARJUNGMICKJIGGERMATEINGCALLGAMMING KRISALLENDIECHEATING STOLENSTOLEN ATFUCKINGTRIGGEDVOTING  ARKANSASCHICKFILCHICKFILACHICKFILA!!!!!!!”

As she continued to scream and thrash the other residents scattered like roaches on a heated iron skillet, scuttling as far away from the action as they could. No one wanted to bring the attention of the attendants down on their heads.

Before the hefty middle aged woman could break through the plexiglass protector on the screen the burley attendants grabbed her, wrestling her considerable bulk into a straight jacket. One of them pinned her tightly to the floor as the other whipped out a loaded syringe filled with lorazepam. As the needle found it’s target and the drug pulsed through her body she relaxed in the grip of the attendants. They hefted her up and between the two men they toted her like an oversized bag of fertilizer into a nearby room. She moaned and whispered, ‘Ar-kan-sas.. Chick-Fil-La… Adam robbed.”

One of the attendants snorted  in disgust as he heaved her bulk up onto a bed, ‘Not that stupid American Idol shit again.. I swear this one is crazier than a shithouse rat. She never gives up. She‘s second to no one in the crazy sweepstakes.”

Weeny Wagging Idol

March 16, 2010

Dear Baldy,

I cannot decide if it was extremely clever or extremely stupid of you to have announced a Chatroulette last night. The idea of your fraus, who haven’t seen dick or been laid properly since the Cro Magnon era, being confronted by a sea free floating dong is delicious. I can just imagine them clicking ‘next’ like a pack of crazed mice looking for the cheese pellet of you in a maze of perverted strangers. Oh, the insanity of it all.  I love the idea of it all. Sort of organized frau torture.

The one time I did Chatroulette I got a nekkid Santa Claus clone pounding his dick, a young man demanding I molester myself and a wonderful transgendered beautiful lady trying to show me her/his peen. I ended up asking the transgendered lady/gent all my questions that I’d always wanted to ask. Definitely a very strange time indeed.

I’m sure the dong-pullers were pissed off to get you shilling your music too. Frau torturing and perv torturing for the win. They might have been more receptive had you removed your pants.

Did you realize this when you decided to do a Chatroulette? That it was going to be next to impossible for the fraus to get through to you past the 95% of users that are waving their cocks? If you did then I bow to your evil genius, if not then you’re just lame for not realizing the comic potential. It’s sort of a wonderful fuck you to the obsessional.

Speaking of obsessional I hear that 19 Entertainment has scheduled you to appear on Idol Wednesday night. Well good luck with that because seeing a group of youngsters slaughtering the Rolling Stones catalog sounds like an evening that will only end up inducing a migraine. Bring earplugs.

Bad Behavior

March 8, 2010

Dear David,

I hear your ‘fans’ have been twitter-spamming some pop songwriter in the UK that you’ve been working with. Apparently they expect you to be all ‘Rawk’ and stuff, losing their minds over possible power pop. They chose to ignore that the “My Sharona”s of this world have their place too. Not everything has to be rock n roll hardcore.

It’s rather rude to twit to someone that you hate their songs and that they are ruining your idol by working with him. Like a bunch of clucking hens pecking an innocent duck to death because he doesn’t look/sound anything like the rooster they’re used to. Who made all those biddies guardians of your music in the first place? Why should their subjective opinions matter more than anyone elses?

Crazy and rude.

Oh and special message for L Anne Carrington/Lori Ann Dennick –  Yes, my friend Sandy slept with your crush. She screwed him, blew him, tattooed him, whatever and said ~ NEWSFLASH ~ he was hung like a hamster and horrible between the sheets. That’s the closest you’ll ever come to laying him.

European Vacation

March 3, 2010

Dear David,

So you survived the concert in the rain last weekend near Palm Springs in one piece, did you? I heard tell that the tards were most annoyed that you’ve done the smart thing and beefed up your security. Quelle domage! Tales emerged of people actually being forced to sit in the seats they actually held tickets for. Imagine, for once they were  not being allowed to puddle down over the stage edge like a virulent fungi.  One uber tard pretended to be press before being ejected. Good going for once.

Hey, and you guys weren’t even electrocuted by the deluge of water plus musical instruments. That was always my big fear performing at an outdoor venue in the rain. To paraphrase poor old Patsy Cline – you don’t get rained out on these gigs, come rain, snow, hell or high water you keep on sanging.

And now you’re off to my most favorite corners of the world, Europe. Enjoy your vacation and be sure to hit every place with local beers and see all the tourist traps.  A few places to see:

Ireland – All the old pubs and kiss the Barney Stone

England – London and Cornwall. Again, try all the great local beers. I used to favor Fulham Tup with all the representation of sheep scrogging decorating every surface but I understand it is now closed and reopened as The Rose.

Holland – The Van Gogh museum, the Anne Frank house, Keukenhoff Gardens *all the smoke shops and the Red Light District*  Beer and cheese.

France – Paris – Overrated except for the huge Flea Market on the Left Bank. French Rivera – one very expensive beach

Germany – Berlin – The old Opera Cafe or the Magyar restaurant. Excellent food and drink. Munich – If you want to hang with tourists visit that tourist trap the Hofbrau House. Tons of things to see and do in Munich combined with an incomparable night life. Be sure to see the tourist stuff like Neuswanstein and the Checkpoint Charlie Museum. In Germany every little area has its own beer. Drink up.

Poland – Mmmmeh

Romania – Mmmeeh

Spain and Italy – Anywhere and everywhere! Food in both places the best and Northern Italy is one of the most breathtakingly beautiful places you will ever set eyes on.

Austria – Salzburg. Again, so many places to see. Be sure to eat either Sasher Torte or Opera Torte with the gold overlay on the icing.

(Pssst, readers.. I know I missed a ton of places to suggest. Post your own favorites in the comments)

I am laughing reading your tweets this morning as I see you took my suggestion. Whenever I am doing Nigerian scambaiting and the baiters insist on meeting I always direct them to meet me at the crossing on Abbey Rd. I sit back and laugh my ass off watching them on the web cam wandering around looking confused looking for a priest carrying a suitcase full of case.

Which is why I suggested showing your stalkers you were indeed in Londontown by allowing them to see you traipse over the pavement via Abbey Road web cam.