Adam Lambert: Second To No One Review

Dear Baldy,

Thank Buddha that none of Archuletta’s rabid followers cooked up a conspiracy theory about how you stole Idol from poor little boy David Archuletta. Although I would not put it past his Daddy. That is one messed up dude.

There’s been an interesting controversy over at Top Idol for the last month. One of Adam Lambert’s tards, one Kerry Kolsch of Miami Florida has written a tome alleging a conspiracy over Adam Lambert’s failure to win Mr. American Idol in his season. According to the bits and pieces posted from the book everywhere online it’s a vast conspiracy with roots reaching into government, business, and beyond. She somehow manages to trample every copyright of AI and defame a long list of people with unproven allegations and smear tactics.

If you were thinking about spending $11.95 buying this work of art don’t bother. It’s a fairy tale conspiracy that makes what the Tea Party crew think up look almost rational. You’re better off sticking with reading the comments at Top Idol since they have all the salient points of the book up on the comments.

I came up with my own conspiracy theory as to how this book might have had its genesis.

Disclaimer: What follows below is a work of fiction inspired by the comments at Top Idol.

Late afternoon sunshine poured through the open slats of the shade into a room painted some industrial shade of beige. Sitting directly beneath the heavily barred window were three ladies, all middle aged, all looking as though they were missing washers in their brains. Slack faces, gawping mouths, vacant eyes staring leadenly at the flickering glow emanating from an ancient television. The plastic safety shield over the screen was smeared with a grimy coating of drool and the grease of a thousand grasping hands.

As other patients in the Sunnyside Mental Hospital milled around in the rec room these three sat there like retarded bumps on the log staring at a very smeary Oprah Winfrey. “Opera” one of them whispered, “Opera, Opera”  But everyone ignored her quiet mutterings, continuing to shuffle around like zombies on crack in old bathrobes or sweats.

But the entire vibe of the room changed in an instant as Oprah introduced her musical guest. The man looked like an off-kilter Elvis, as if he were the offspring of Elvis and drag queen Divine. Greased black pompadour, shiny glittery clothing and makeup Tammy Faye Bakker would be proud to sport. When he opened his mouth it wasn’t melodic. Instead shrieky warbling assaulted the ear drums of the listeners as the man butchered a Led Zepplin song. In the glass fronted nurses station one of the burly attendants turned to another and suggested, “Perhaps we should turn the volume down. That caterwauling  is enough to stunt corn from growing all the way over in the next county.”

As he found the remote control and turned the volume down to a mere whisper the middle watcher of the trio on the sofa started to vibrate as if she on fire. Her crazy eyes rimmed with cheap kohl rolled and she flailed and cart wheeled onto the floor before running to the television set. Her uncombed hair flew like an electrified nimbus around her head as she tried to claw the tv set as if to clutch the gyrating poser inside. She began to shriek a string of unconnected words, babbling that made no logical sense, “ADAMADAMADAM LAMBERT GLITTERYSPARKLINGALIENLIZARDKINGSEXGOD OPERAOPERACARJUNGMICKJIGGERMATEINGCALLGAMMING KRISALLENDIECHEATING STOLENSTOLEN ATFUCKINGTRIGGEDVOTING  ARKANSASCHICKFILCHICKFILACHICKFILA!!!!!!!”

As she continued to scream and thrash the other residents scattered like roaches on a heated iron skillet, scuttling as far away from the action as they could. No one wanted to bring the attention of the attendants down on their heads.

Before the hefty middle aged woman could break through the plexiglass protector on the screen the burley attendants grabbed her, wrestling her considerable bulk into a straight jacket. One of them pinned her tightly to the floor as the other whipped out a loaded syringe filled with lorazepam. As the needle found it’s target and the drug pulsed through her body she relaxed in the grip of the attendants. They hefted her up and between the two men they toted her like an oversized bag of fertilizer into a nearby room. She moaned and whispered, ‘Ar-kan-sas.. Chick-Fil-La… Adam robbed.”

One of the attendants snorted  in disgust as he heaved her bulk up onto a bed, ‘Not that stupid American Idol shit again.. I swear this one is crazier than a shithouse rat. She never gives up. She‘s second to no one in the crazy sweepstakes.”

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14 Comments on “Adam Lambert: Second To No One Review”

  1. nonna-muss Says:

    FDC, great story!! I’ve been catching bits and pieces of this over at TI. This KKKrazy chick is a certifiable nut case. I can hardly wait until her book disappears just like her license to practice law in the state of Florida did. I can’t imagine the kind of life one must lead to have nothing better to do than write an entire book about someone losing on American Idol.

    I hope you and TI keep up the good work outing all the crazies.

  2. Lauren Says:

    LOL! That is what must have happened! I love you so much. So much that I am going to let the fact that you compared Adam’s singing to shrieking completely slide.

  3. Smartie Says:

    😆

  4. G. Schor Says:

    This was on the internet. Stop bashing the truth. Kris had to cheat to win . Get real. Bashing the truth is stupid and uncool. @adamlambert when you get a chance in your busy schedule PLEASE read this e-book. “Adam Lambert Second To None” by Kerry Kolsch

http://www.adamlambertsecondtonone.com/

This is not a conspiracy theory book but a detailed account based on evidence and facts of what actually happened in Arkansas regarding corporate interests in preventing people from voting for you and skewing the votes by power block voting on the finale night. There was more than one group involved… There is strong evidence presented that it was a systematic corporate, political and social force behind the voting on that night that we all need to be aware of-if for nothing else than our own empowerment. We can’t fight against something we don’t know exits or what we turn a blind eye to…

So yes, knowing this doesn’t change anything but I believe its important to know how corporate interests can work with conservative forces to prevent progressive thought, open minded ideas, creativity and tolerance in this country. Its quite illuminating and terrifying to say the least. 

I believe it is important for you to know what you are up against so that you can be empowered to stand up to it as this conservative force continues to block you when ever it sees fit. The groups involved seem to change and morph but the ideology does not. 

You are ultimately right that a title doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and that nothing will change currently regarding the finale night votes and that Kris at end of day will still be “considered” the winner, however it can help you in the future as you navigate your new found stardom. I clearly believe that no matter what conservative forces try to prevent your success they will not succeed ultimately because of who YOU are; your talent, intelligent and charisma are indeed “second to none”.

    • freedavidcook Says:

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, you fruit loop. I’d give the money to a crackhead and gouge my eyes out with a fork before I’d pay for and read this drivel.

    • melismaqueen Says:

      Kerry, I love your craziness. How’s the book sales going?

    • nonna-muss Says:

      Oooh lookie, another crazy to add to the list: G. Schor.

      G, if you believe the bull-honky that KK has poured all over the internet in the form of her “book” then I’d love to speak to you about a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.

    • Sandy Says:

      You are either KMK herself or someone equally batty to believe any of the crap she’s been spewing. I’m a CALIFORNIA girl who voted for Kris along with a lot of my friends BECAUSE WE LIKED HIS PERFOMANCES BETTER than Adam’s. Adam lost, there was no vast conspiracy involved, GET OVER IT!!!!

    • Smartie Says:

      I love you Kezza.

    • Smartie Says:

      In your sequel, Kezza, please include the Freemasons, the Iluminati, Xenu and Sarah Palin.

  5. Mugsy Says:

    That was a delightful story, and considerably less bulky than the 480 page manifesto.

    • wickedlydark Says:

      @Mugsy – and written better – spelling and grammar is far more superior. (Or so I heard 😉 )

  6. freddie Says:

    But enough about poor Lambert back to David Cook. Where were the spys at Davids latest gig in LA with MWK haha? The cougars and usual suspects showed up and have been cat fighting amongst themselves on twitter and DCO. One freak in love with Andy Skib even posted her recap and pic of her huge Andy portrait tattoo! WTF?! Her name is cool_shades on twitter. I wonder how Andy’s girfriend feels about this delusional bitch lol?!

  7. jorydn Says:

    been reading all this so might as well add MO.this coolshades fan(lack of better word) really gets on peoples nerves. she is a diehard Skib fan who is always on DCO raving on & on about Andy. she still lives w/her parents in Tucson, her dad pays her phone bill and she has to get permission to do things, and boring boring on & on. she went to a Andy Skib concert in Tulsa and was going to sit by the front door all through the cold winter night by herself, (like there were going to be thousands of people to see this concert). Not taking anything away from Andy Skib because he is good (if you like nasal and whinny sounding) but I have to admit his backing vocals w/david cook are perfect! The Tattoo is ULGY indeed!


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