Archive for April 2010

Literally Run Baldy Run

April 29, 2010

So David, you’re tweeting you’re going to run again this weekend in the Race For Hope in my very own stomping grounds, Washington DC.

Don’t worry, I’m too busy to show up and start shooting unflattering photographs of you or the crazy frau herd.  It came down to Gold Cup weekend or Frau stalking. The horses of Gold Cup are more interesting. Don’t think I’m not tempted. Wonder who all will be there? The usual suspects like Jabbarina, Needacock and Stacy? The rest of the batshit crazzees.

Even though I had to run my furnace first thing this morning to get the chill out of the house the weatherman is predicting raining, thunder storms and humid air hotter than hammered hell by Sunday.  We’re warming up. You’ll be running again in the rain like last year. Oh, and you’ll probably need allergy pills as we’re having record pollen.

You’re doing a good thing but with all good things the Frauaffalos will show up and ruin it.

The part about the bat shit crazzies showing up makes me laugh and imagine the long miles of trudging they’ll have to endure in their cheap shoes on the concrete of the city. Ain’t no place nearby for any of them to park being the clueless plebeians that they are. Even the cheaper nearby parking lots *coughcoughcough behindCCNstudioandUnionStationnearthebusdepot coughcoughcough* mean walking a long, long, L-O-N-G way, like sweating huge old gobs of McDonalds flop sweat. The fat asses that follow you everywhere will be all faintified and heart attacky from the exertion along with smelling like what comes out of the south end of a north bound horse. They’ll be soaked, they’ll be price gouged for parking and anything they eat/drink there and they’ll be as out of place as a fart at the dinner table.

Don’t you really look forward to seeing this stinky pageant of the trans-mundane hot flash committee that follows you from pillar to post? I’d run too.

Google Searches Infinity Plus 20

April 20, 2010

Dear David,

I’ve completely lost track of whatever number I’m on now with the freaky Google searches. The high pollen levels and the drugs I’m on for it aren’t exactly helping either. I saw you tweeted about horrendous allergies this week too. Benadryl is your friend. Hope tonight’s flight is alright between the air pressure in the cabin and the allergies. Sounds like hell on earth to me.

Decided the best thing to do with my lack of short term memory was to start numbering these puppies again and start with 20 since I know we’re almost there now. Funny sick ones today.

Free Gay Webcam Met Flames In Gent -More porn, thankfully too confusing me to work out exactly what this person was looking for. Flamingly gay or webcam voyeurism?

Nutball Stalker Holly –  Things must be getting grim over at David Cook Uncensored. I hear tell the inmates are running that asylum and Mary Ann/Holly is losing it. Not surprised.

Bald Women Porn – Ha ha! More crazy hentai freak porn.

David Cook Hair Plugs – Everyone’s always curious about the hair. Personally I think you should screw with your stalker tards by shaving your head or doing something completely outre, like green or blue hair.

Porn Too Weird Even For L Anne Carrington – This one made me laugh the hardest. Is it even possible that there is porn out there that is too out there for a chick that’s written about incest, titty-banging, lesbian antics, gang bangs, sperm drinking, sexual gymkhana and a cast of revolving characters. Something too weird for L Anne? Scares the crap out of me just thinking about it. I would think it probably involves Ouchy The Clown, midgets and animal porn.

The ‘X’ Factor

April 18, 2010

Dear Davey-Cakes,

Looks like Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets of David Cook Uncensored has been drinking from the wrong Koolaid jug again, chugalugging that Haterade at the thought of anyone you’ve dated or possibly ever had horizontal fellowship with. Her target of ire this time is your fellow Idol contestant Kimberly Caldwell.

I was thinking she was going to trade you in on a newer model, like, say possible gay boy Casey James or Lee DeWyse. The others are too ethnic for her. She likes only lily white.  The good Lord knows you’re about as white as they come, marshmallow white, skin that burns white, Sherwin Williams paint white. Casey and Lee fit the Anglo Saxon mold too but she’s just not having it. Which is surprising considering the past she always switched up her Idol stalking in 24 month intervals. You’re due to be released but she’s breaking pattern this time.

She’s really chewing the scenery over at DCU over poor seemingly nice Kimberley and many there are laughing and pointing as these random obvious sockpuppets keep popping up to agree with her that Kimberly Caldwell is everything just this side of Hitler.

One of her sockpuppets, Lori, posted that you were trying to ‘get’ to Holly a couple of times during your tour, which is laughable since Holly doesn’t really exist. Just Mary Ann does. This is what Lori said..

David was even checking out our Holly. He came over to our side 3 or 4 times during the Keswick theater show, and starred down some chick holding a sign. But Holly was on the same side. He was even trying to find a way to get behind the speakers to a catwalk that went straight out to Holly and her friend. It’s on video during Declaration, Straight Up and Barbasol. Holly is a very classy looking girl from what I saw. Nothing like the average fan.

I am convinced David is a whore. And in his own words he said the chicks he is attracking now are higher caliber. I forget which interview this was but he did say it. I also think he was sleeping with Mystery Lady E during the Idol tour because she was hanging around David for a while from idol tour to solo tour. maybe kim got a whiff of this. Let us not forget kimmy has a reputation too for sleeping around. Maybe she is finally growing up but it is obvious her career comes first too.

dirtydiana thanks for the tip but kim said on her twitter that david did not cheat on her. What do you think about that? and dirty are u carly?

She called you a whore and pretty much said the same thing about poor Kim. Bad form. Delusional.For the last so many days Mary Ann/Holly has been trying to stir up the crowds to bash Kimberly Caldwell, calling her a copycat for getting a tattoo among other stupid allegations about sexual preference and accusing Kim of sucking up to you constantly. As ugly as some of your fans have been to Kim because of the egging on of Mary Ann/Holly (organized harassment might actually be a crime) most everyone there knows this is more stupid sockpuppet army action and have been poking fun at all of the sockpuppet manifestos. I love these responses to allegations that Kim is doing things just because you did..

I heard she bought some groceries….and David bought some groceries too!!!! Clearly she must have been copying him

and..

She has probably gone out to dinner with friends too. The freaking nerve of her! We know David goes out to dinner too!

Mock on, mock on.. Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets deserves way more mocking than this. Kimberly Caldwell, if I were you I’d have her charged with inciting all the ugly against you.

More Google Searches – Lost Count Now..

April 14, 2010

Dear David,

I’ve not been paying much attention to the Google searches leading here until today. Most of them are porn involves like “My Little Porny” or “David Cook Andy Skib Neal Tiemann Slash” Porn’s not my thing. I find it rather boring, same old in and out, even though I know lots of folks adore it.  Nothing wrong it.

But to have your fans openly Googling for sexual based fan fic for you and your band is pretty far over the line of appropriateness.  Real person fiction is creepy as hell.

The porn searches of the horny and desperate not related to you really make me laugh..

Sub male in blonde torture cook porno video – Not a clue. This must be some sort of hentai action I’ve not heard of involving cooks and chefs. It keeps popping up here again and again. Someone please elucidate in the comments.

Insane Cook Porn – Again, What. The. Hell?

Young men & boys love big cock – Hey, who doesn’t? I know Adam Lambert prolly does. But I bet you don’t.

Baldy marry – Someone is curious to know when you’ll be tying the knot.  I’m betting they think they’d fill that bridal slot perfectly. I can see some frautard complying a dream wedding scrapbook with all the crap she fantasizes about you. Run!! Take my advice, don’t do it till you’re 30.

Who is CooCoo – Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. That describes perfectly some of the frau herd.

Idletard point & laugh – Sic transit gloria mundi  or so passes worldly glory. Idletard may have bitten the dust, but the laughing and pointing at the tards it embraced lives on forever.

Insane Cook brothers – I don’t know, you and your bro Andrew seem rather sane to me most of the time. However, being stalked by those fat old ladies is enough to drive anyone around the bend. Your poor brother is probably traumatized for all time and eternity because your frau hit on him with pictures of you as them. I don’t think he’s a fan of  ‘The closer the kin, the deeper it goes in.’

Kerry Kolsch frau tard – Someone was looking for the most insane of all the Adam Lambert fraus. The one that insists that it’s a conspiracy involving 19E, Chick Fil La, AT&T, the state of Arkansas, devout Southern Christians and a laundry list of others that was to blame for Adam failing to win Idol. Wonder what she’s blaming Adam’s massive post Idol blunders on?

and lastly,

Big John Bret Michaels – Poor old Bert,, er, Bret Michaels is having a time of it right now. He had appendicitis in Texas and had to have it removed. This is on top of his weekly televised humiliation at the hands of  Donald Trump and his team mates on Celebrity Apprentice. Looks like 2010 is not shaping up to be one of his best years. Last week Bret was crying onscreen. I didn’t know he had it him in to weep like that. After years of making fun of him on all those shitfest “Rock of Love” programs he actually comes away very differently on Apprentice.

But I still needs me some Big John.

You need a Big John too to keep the freaks away at your gigs.

Twitterrific

April 13, 2010

Dear David,

Before I went to bed last night I saw the first of the ugly twitter mess between your brother Andrew and your Tards. As I’m sure you know by now Andrew had a Twitter Party and the heifers showed up all with photos of you as their avatars.  Andrew told them that it was creepy and inappropriate. They exploded with typical herd mentality and fury, accusing Andrew of rudeness, telling him off before going to whine to you that he was borderline rude.

Props to Andrew for telling it like it is. It IS freaking creepy that they all have photos of you as their avatars on Twitter. I can just imagine the EEWW! factor for Andrew from the ones hitting on him for some booty with your photo.  *Shuddering*

Also creeps me out that the most Googled terms leading into here are people looking for porn or slash starring you. Excuse me while I go throw up.

Looks like it was your usual gang of idiots, pizza screaming tard Daina mixed with the others.  Hopefully they’ll flounce off to their little corner of the internet and take a time out now. They need it, just like a pack of misbehaving toddlers.

But Andrew rocks for telling them how creepy they are.

Caution! Sparkle Cows Exploding!

April 8, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Did you enjoy your game of charity softball even if it sounds like you got your keister whooped? Exercise is good. It’s something the Sparkle Cows of Adam Lambert loath and avoid like Kris Allen.

Poor Kris Allen. His album dropped off the charts with the same rapidity as a KKKer runs away from a Gay Pride rally.  But he actually has a much better chance of having a long term career when compared to Adam Lambert. Adam is flavor of the month, flash in the pan. For all the moolah 19 Entertainment has pumped into his post Idol career it hasn’t helped a bit. He’s still stuck playing 3 rate casinos filled with fat middle-aged women in age-inappropriate clothing. His CD is lanquishing at places like my local Rite Aid for three ninety-nine in the bargain bin.

The problem with Adam is Adam himself. He’s like that evil princess in the Grimm Fairy Tale who when she opened her mouth had toads and frogs emerged. 19E cannot control him, hence the AMA debacle, and they cannot tape his mouth shut. He says things either quite offensive or stupid or both. No matter how 19E dresses up Adam up in the Emporer’s New Clothing we all see he’s actually quite naked.

Who admits in the media that they decided to try out for Idol because of an acid trip? Why not just announce your bowel movements and nose picking bouts too?

All of these factors make Adam’s turn next week as a mentor on “American Idol” not the smartest move on the part of 19E. I’m sure they’re thinking it will jump start his career just like hooking battery cables to the ancient battery in a rusted ’74 Ford Pinto.  It might, but it’s unlikely. America has Adam Fatigue courtesy of his mouth, his actions and his music.

Idol risks much by putting Adam on there unless he’s trailed at all times by a handler and kept away from anything not carefully scripted. He’s missing the brain-mouth filter and discretion. Oh well, at least he siphoned off some of your bigger loonies and Casey James plus Lee Dewyse are inheriting the remainder.

The funny thing to me about all of this is that the Adam Lambert Sparkle Cows have just now figured out that you unfollowed Adam some time ago, right after the AMA’s if I’m not mistaken. They think it’s recent and that you did this in a fit of pique because he’s mentoring on Idol and you’re not.  Expect a Sparkle Cow stampede on your site/twitter telling you off for being bitter and jealous.

They don’t get it and they never will.

ETA: Baldy, you are no homophobe, you support gay rights but I fear the Sparkle Cows are going to equate you unfollowing Adam with homophobia instead of just stupid shitty performances without any sense of shame that it possibly was. Again, they don’t get it.

Adam Lambert? Really??

April 5, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Rumor has it that Lambert is going to be the mentor this week on “American Idol”  during Beatles week. I don’t get it. He’s not exactly a Beatles expert and his album isn’t exactly a huge hit.  He’s a whore.

I guess this will set Kerry Kolsch off on another conspiracy theory rant. Here comes 500 pages of another bunch of wishful thinking on her part.

Why? Why not you? Do you not have something to offer the Idol contestants?

I am hoping this is just another ridiculous Sparkle Cow rumor.

ETA:  Top Idol has written about this rumor coming from some DJ in Iowa. In Iowa…

ETAA: And now it’s been confirmed for next week. Toll the funeral knell for Idol for it is done.

I guess this means I might need to ice down the beer and sodas as well as make fresh popcorn so I can sit back and enjoy the tard fights.