The Morning After – Twitter Advice For Lee Dewyze

So this season has played out exactly like I thought it might. Casey James booted so there can be a showdown between the very talented Crystal Bowersox and the seldom on-key Lee Dewyze.  It’s preordained, it’s as the judges and 19E manipulated things to get the frau-loving going. 19E will always try to manipulate the one that they think will be the better cash cow, not the most talented, into being the Idol winner. And if they fail at that task, like they did last year with Adam Lambert, they conveniently ignore the winner to pimp the cash cow instead. Put that in your tinfoil hat and smoke it, Kerry Kolsch!

Here we are, the morning after, just like this cheesy song from the original Poseidon Adventure.

Casey James – you were lucky to be booted off. No way in hell would 19E ever pour money into your career because you don’t fit the Pop mold. Regardless of your Idol experience you’re going to have a career in the biz singing the blues you’re so good at. You might have a few frauen along the way.

Crystal Bowersox – if you win, like you deserve to win, I’m afraid you’ll have a ‘Kris Allen’ experience, shunted to the side for the frau magnet. Which would be okay because you’re very talented and you’re going to do great out in world. Having 19E controlling your every breath would suck so consider yourself lucky that they want to pimp Lee.

Lee Dewyse – 19E has made it glaringly obvious to everyone that they are salivating to crown you King Idol this year due more to your high numbers on the frau attractiveness scale.  Your singing is mediocre at best but as long as the fraus are squealing and drooling you’re the shoe in.  Hope you realize that you’re selling your soul to the devil. Adam Lambert still doesn’t ‘get it’ that he is a monkey in a cage dancing for the delight of the fraus and 19E. You’re going to be the next monkey in the cage when you win next week.

That advice I posted for Casey about dealing with the frau? Take that and triple it. You’re about be experience a whole lotta scary coming from a never ending parade of stupid & ugly.

As someone pointed out yesterday in the comments I neglected to mention Twitter. After you win 19E will release your Twitter account back to you and a whole new level of crazy begins. David Cook innocuously posted yesterday about a self-serve dog wash and some idiot Cooktards took it as offensive, like they do anything he posts. You’ll get to experience that along with other bizarreness in the Twitterverse that is Frauland.

Here’s the Twitter-types you’ll get.

1. Constant sexual innuendos. – You mention you like to eat blueberry pie and get flooded with oodles of tweets referring to cunnilingus.

2. ‘You hurt my feelings’ – Those folks that would find anything you say offensive or hurtful, even something as simples as “I like sunny days” will offend someone.

3. Bat Shit Crazy – These would be the ones like Celine who kept tweeting Cook’s guitarist Neal Tiemann that they were soulmates followed by much scarier stuff after she gave him a blowjob in the bushes by the bus. And you’ll get crazier ones from the frau that didn’t get near enough to you to hand out bushes blowjobs.

4. Ass Kissing – You state that you like jalapeno flavored Doritos and you’ll be overwhelmed by a flood of ‘Me too! You have GREAT tastes!’

5. Verbiage Vomit – Someone that constantly tweets and twitters you many many many times a day.

I’m sure there are other types I missed but I’m having a brain fart this morning. Please post the ones I missed in the comments.

ETA: Whoever the freak is searching for Adam Lambert Casey James slash fan fiction please knock it off. None will ever be posted here. I’d rather stick my hands in fatboy Mike’s mouth as a snack and wear a croaker sack for a dress than think about such things.

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14 Comments on “The Morning After – Twitter Advice For Lee Dewyze”

  1. nonna-muss Says:

    He’ll have in own Ladynsearch like Cook does. She’ll tweet him good morning every day as the sun rises and good night each evening. She will tell you you are blessed and loved. Nice once maybe, but you will see this each and every day. Poor bastard.

  2. caspar Says:

    And of course, he’ll have someone telling the story of his ‘transformation’ in purple prose, probably Heliotripe- isn’t she a LeeTard these days, or did she stick with Gokey?

  3. caspar Says:

    And most importantly, Lee had the good fortune not to run into an AI stylist who wanted to put him into tight pants. His droopy drawers likely means he’ll never have to see a twitter account named for his reproductive organ. He will also not have dozens of gifs illustrating the alleged rise and fall of said organ during the course of a singing performance. (I’m too bored by Lee to actually look on IDF for a ‘fanbase’ thread for him, I’m just making a hopeful assumption here).

    • Sandy Says:

      I don’t think the droopy drawers will save him! One of them will find some picture with a strategically placed shadow that will convince them all that he is trully blessed and they will all be drooling over it. They will say he plays the guitar in order to hide it from him. There will surely be someone that takes videos of him performing with her camera focused on his crotch for most of the song in hopes of getting a sighting. Someone will give it a nickname if they haven’t already. (I am too bored by him too to try to find out if they have.)

      • on the edge Says:

        You forgot the most obvious…he wears droopy drawers because those are the only pants that can house and restrain such a beast! Why if the trads knew how big he REALLY was, all of their va-jay-jays would simultaneously explode, causing a worse environmental disaster than the Nashville floods and the oil spill in the gulf combined!!!111!1eleventy!!!!11!1!!111

        Yep…that’s definately a little puke I taste in the back of mt throat.

  4. nonna-muss Says:

    Yes, he didn’t go into the style change but Heliotrope will focus on his “personality” morph. How like a caterpillar in his cocoon he emerged a beautiful butterfly. Spreading his wings as he found confidence in himself and soared across the universe. Better get my vom bucket ready.

    On the other hand, if he doesn’t win this week we will get to watch her collapse into a depression and scream to the rafters that he is the best!

    • freedavidcook Says:

      At least Heliotard will not write a 500 page manifesto claiming that haters, Nazis, corporations and governments caused Lee to fail complete with pie charts.

  5. Sandy Says:

    One thing in Lee’s favor is that Holly Sockpuppets doesn’t seem to be the least bit interested in him.

  6. Natasha Says:

    Lee has made one tiny (or gigantic mistake – TBD) of saying in a magazine interview that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but wouldn’t mind one. Now excuse me while I move away from the stampede…

  7. amanda Says:

    they have a name for it now … leenis ROFL.

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