Futbol Imaginary Zexy-Time

So Sir Baldy and pals played last night during a professional soccer game in that most hip city, Salt Lake City. I don’t have all the details of the gig, nor do I really want them. Did they rush out to make shau on the field between games or sumfin? Whatever, I’m not a fan of his music.

But what peaks my interest are all the silly tweets on twitter about being ‘stage fucked’ last night by Baldy and crew. Reality check time, having sex and watching someone on the stage are two distinctly different activities.  I know those fans are obsessional about Baldy’s wang being ten feet long or some such nonsense but still.

There is no such thing as ‘stage fucking’.

There is crazy delusions of the mind and overweening ‘I haven’t gotten laid in so long that a stiff breeze on my arm makes me cum.’ Ladies, there’s no shame in being between male companionship that provides those essential sexual services but, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster please buy a sex toy and stop mistaking concerts by strangers with sex.

Besides, most of you tweeting about your stage-gasms are already on the David ‘Baldy’ Cook security team watch list for insanity. Oh yes, I know for a fact that such a list does exist complete with photos and information for security. You fantasize about being fucked by Baldy, while his security guys eye fuck the crowd looking for loonies. You have a better chance of being struck on the head by a solid gold meteorite than having hot sexy time with Baldy.

Go console yourself with another case of Twinkies. Besides, he’s probably crap in bed, most musicians are. They are spoiled bastards, used to just laying back and letting the fawning groupies do all the heavy lifting.

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7 Comments on “Futbol Imaginary Zexy-Time”

  1. saywhat Says:

    Funny you should mention twinkies. Cook tweeted this yesterday:

    Dear makers of Kit Kats and/or Twinkies: can you make a healthy version of your delicious treat? ‘preciate it.

    And @Hostess_Snacks actually responded:

    @thedavidcook Try our 100 Calorie Packs Twinkies Bites! http://www.hostesscakes.com/100/products/

    @thedavidcook I think we’re going to have to send you some samples!!! 🙂

  2. saywhat Says:

    Oh, and love or hate his own music, but he did a damn fine version of the SSB in Utah. I’m impressed.

  3. nonna-muss Says:

    FDC, I love when you wax all poetic and shit. Great blog (as usual). But what you’ve failed to mention is that most of these women have never had sex so they *think* they are having sex with Baldy. It’s the closest they come to having a real night with a man. Now, I’ve had sex with a few men (well, a lot more than a few) and included were a few musicians and you are right–boring as hell and they suck in bed (although there was this one lead guitarist…..:) )

    And did someone yell “Fuck you David Cook” during the National Anthem? Surprised the herd of Cooktards didn’t string the guy up by his balls for hurting David’s feelings.

    • on the edge Says:

      I’d be more apt to give the guy the stink-eye…nothing to do with Cook, mind you, I just think it’s rude to yell shit during the national anthem. Besides, sounds like someone’s still sore about Gaspy losing.

  4. sodagrape Says:

    It’s so cute when the pot calls the kettle a crazy obsessed stalker.

    thedavidcook “@ac8348: @thedavidcook I found your school! http://twitpic.com/1wjs9k” // ummmm… That’s not my school. My bro went there though.

    Its_me_becky @ac8348 honey you found both of his houses? Seriously stalker much? He needs a restraining order on your ass ASAP. wow

    Its_me_becky @ac8348 you must not be that hardcore of a fan if u didn’t know where he went2 school. I’m hardcore I KNOW THAT. I’ve never been by the way

  5. nonna-muss Says:

    Yes, because everybody *knows* that Its_me_becky is not a crazy. Bwahahahaha! I love how clique-y they are and are so quick to call each other out. I like Cook, but I don’t know where in the hell he went to school, nor do I care.

  6. Natasha Says:

    You should follow the Twitter frenzy about him sitting next to a young lady at the fight in Las Vegas that he attended with Andrew this weekend. I really wonder what some of these numbskulls (spelling?) will do if Cook decides to settle down with someone.


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