Archive for July 2010

Cow Appreciation Day, Pizza, Sandwiches and Breakups

July 15, 2010

According to PeeWee Herman today is ‘Cow Appreciation Day’ So I’ve been enjoying the madness of the Sparkle Cow herd around the internet. I raise my glass of chocolate milk to your heifers.

Had an interesting email the other day from someone in the Seattle area speaking of food. They were making all sorts of weird claims about Sanjaya Malakar.

“I ended up throwing away my pizza after seeing how dirty, stoned and disgusting Sanjaya looked as he worked making pizza. Looked so high I don’t know how he stood up. I was afraid of a contact high just by eating the pizza.”

Ha! Sanjaya high while he’s cranking out pizza? Good thing it doesn’t sound like he might have been driving doing deliveries.

Also the Big Mike Lynch nightly sandwich videos are a big hoot! Makes me think on the guys bus it has to smell like a ginormous salami fart. Check out his twitter account.

Had to laugh yesterday when looking at the aftermath of Clay Aiken on The View. I’d been warned that the Claymates were the oddest of all batshiat crazy fans but there’s nothing like seeing it in action. I saw The View, Claylene made next to no effort to talk so what the tards are saying about the hateful women talking over him is pure wishful thinking on their part.

They are also mourning over the broken relationship between Claylene and Reed. Some of these crazies have actually downloaded tons of photos of Claylene and his sig-o and are boohooing over the failed romance. Which is just utterly stupid. None of these women know either guy so I don’t get all this heavy emotional investment in Claylene’s love life.

Remember, you know something embarrassing or stupid about American Idol contestants and fans please shoot me an email at

Talking Play D’Oh!

July 13, 2010

Today I sat and watched ANOTHER womens oriented talk show. I watched The View.

Usually I would rather had flaming needles poked through my eyeballs and listened to ‘For Your Entertainment’ repeatedly at Alvin and the Chipmunks speeds than watch a womens talk show. But I like Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar so I bit the bullet vibrator and tuned in to see Bert, errr, Bret Michaels lie some more about how wonderfully healthy he is now.

I do not care what the dude says; you do not recover instantaneously from a stroke. Or two strokes. Or a brain hemorrhage and a stroke and a hole in your heart. I still believe the dude is dicing with death, dancing with the Reaper.

But what did my surprised eyes spy once The View started? Nope, not a Wigzilla-free Bert. Nope, not Elizabeth Hasselback suddenly turning liberal. Nope, not Barbara Walters mounting a stripper pole. I saw Claylene, the original American Idol always a bridesmaid, never a bride Clay Aiken. He was the guest-host of The View, hawking his new tour with Idol winner – flop sweating fool Ruben Studdard.

It looks like Clay’s over the top plastic surgery is starting to settle in. He’s lost some of the freakish shiny mask appearance even if he still looks nothing like that goofy stick-thin young man that auditioned for Idol.

I kept waiting for Claylene to speak but he sat like a paralytic lump of Juvederm, Botox and Restylane without saying much, or having facial expressions or smiling. He was less than enthusiastic when Bret Michaels performed and interviewed. He said nothing about the clacking and babbling going on about the Mel Gibson rant tape. Only when poked and pointedly stared at by his other cohosts did he finally speak up about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” but still had nothing of any substance to add. He said something during the obligatory food segment about not ever drinking booze while drinking down a dessert martini. He seemed colder than a box of the Gorton’s Fisherman’s fish sticks.

Does he even still have tards? Why?

Fun With Mad Men, JibJab & Drag Queens

July 12, 2010

Quick, quick, quick! Paging Ms. Top Idol! Since you share my love of “Mad Men” you should check out the Mad Men feature at JibJab.

I’m lazy and only had these two lame heads saved in my JibJab account so I just took the lazy gal’s way out and used these stupid Idol heads..

Mad American Idol Men

After my Tweet-Rant this morning I laughed loudly to spot this tweet by Adam Lambert. Apparently he’s having quite an adventure in Lansing MI involving drag queens, cabs and McDonalds. Such a glamorous life he leads! What type of tour is this?

Speaking of drag queens, or just women that come across as drag queens, I wastefully frittered away an hour watching for Casey James on The Wendy Williams Show. I had to roll my eyes as Wendy brayed out again and again to Casey’s face how ‘hot’ he was like she was an oversexed underdone fraulene Casey Cougartard.

I watched for the express purpose of trying to parse if Casey is genuinely naive, just pretty darn stupid or is a Southern Mama’s boy with nice manners. Leaning towards Nice Southern Mamas Boy after what little he said in the interview. Wasn’t much of an interview considering the Dragerella was busy running her mouth to the point where Casey only got in one word answers.

Never seen the Williams show before and I’m afraid this will be my first and last viewing. She came across as horrid as a boss I once had that we called “Bitchy Galore” behind her back. Bitchy Galore kept up a constant irritating prattle stream of consciousness rap like Wendy Williams. But Bitchy’s was sprinkled with nasty about the locals. Bitchy Galore was signing my paychecks so I kept my mouth shut and allowed her drivel to go in one ear and straight out of the other. Until Wendy signs my checks I will not be allowing her to do the same.

Twittering Fools

July 12, 2010

Noticing a disturbing trend and it’s not just over at David “Baldy” Cook’s twitter page. An overwhelming flood of rapacious ass licking stupidity or pervishly girlish come ons to various American Idol penis possessors.

There’s nothing wrong with having a handful of celebs you like on your twitter pages. Nothing wrong with occasionally tweeting them. The wrongness of it happens when you make like Adam Lambert – Lee Dewyze – Casey James – David Cook – whoever fans and treat each of their tweets as an opportunity to declare deepest love, make a sexual overture, kiss their ass over something as simple as breathing, or go into obsession mode about something mundane. Delusion and fakeness on a grand new hypocritical scale on largess.

Example? Last night and David Cook. Poor beleaguered loony fan base David Cook.

Baldy tweeted a photo of his newly arrived “Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles” DVD and immediately there was a flood of Biblical proportions of ass licking comments. Suddenly every Cooktard was a mega fan of TMNT or an expert on the subject.  No one said anything semi normal like ‘Hope you enjoy your DVD’ or ‘No way! What a loser you are for having such tastes’ or ‘haven’t seen Donatello in ages.” It was all brown nosing on a mighty scale, like their lives depended upon it. If the Olympics made butt kissing a Gold Medal event I’m sure some of those tards could have competed competently for the good old USA.

I think about people like David, like Casey, like whoever, seeing that flood of obvious flattery and wonder how/why they can read their twitter accounts without puking/laughing/crying/rolling their eyes. No one is fooled by those comments, no one could possibly be that dumb except for perhaps Lee Dewyze. Lee seems a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket most of the time.  Well, maybe Casey James too, because his tweets are super positive and Polly Anna-esque. Casey seems too innocent.

Every time I start wading through the disgusting swamp of tweets surrounding a Idol male I feel like barfing.

Casey is going to be on the Wendy Williams show today. It’s on here in less than an hour. I’m going to watch as I’m still trying to determine if he’s just naive or thick as a plank in the head.

Remember: The next time the urge strikes you to twitter one of these guys your deepest love or pervings or ass lickings, walk away from the keyboard and take a break. If you still have the urge several hours later, run, don’t walk, to your nearest mental health professional.

Who’s A Stalking?

July 11, 2010

So Carrie Underwood is getting/has gotten legally hitched this weekend in her hometown. Good on her.

My question is….

….drum roll pleeze….




…….which hardcore shitballs crazy delusional David Cook tards are busy trying desperately to crash the festivities to drool on David?

You know there has to be at least one or two or twenty over there in Greensboro, Georgia this weekend. I almost pity them. It’s pretty slim pickings for food and accommodations in rural Georgia. I’d bet Pizza Screamer/Scam Photo Book Daina is there with bells on and thinning hair.

Hope they all get chiggers.

Wrasslin’ Sweaty Tards

July 9, 2010

Our lovely typical American Idol tard hunting for uppity skeleton bitches. I can’t wait for Mad Men to return. I almost tard for it. Less than two weeks now. I would advise any of you wasting your time watching Idol to make the switch to Mad Men, or Breaking Bad or any of the excellent original series popping up on cable networks these days.  Just don’t start tarding over Jon Hamm. Mmmkay?

How about that American Idol tour, huh? Canceled dates, lackluster performances and low low low attendance. This morning looking at the coverage of the AI concert in Central Park for ABC’s Good Morning America things look dismal for Lee Dewyse and pals. Three hundred people turned up.  Not very far away at Rockefeller Plaza thousands upon thousands have shown up to see Lady Gaga perform.

Somewhere in the offices of 19 Entertainment I’d bet there are confused and dismayed executives starting to realize that American Idol is done, over, kaput, dead on arrival.  Would love to be a fly on the wall at the next planning meeting in their office. I can smell the panic from here. I do feel sorry for Crystal “Pigpen” Bowersox and Casey James even though I feel pretty sure both of them are going to have musical careers post-Idol. The others including Dewyze? Not very likely. This is it for them.

Look for more AI tour dates to cancel. Looking at the seating charts at my own backyard arena only a tiny fraction of tickets  have sold and those are only the ones right up against the stage. 19E cannot afford to operate a huge tour machine at a loss.

Also I’ve been watching the outrage in the David Cook twitterverse this week. David attended a UFC event last week and was spotted sitting next to a beautiful woman. So the tards are speculating and twittered, spewing outrage and other nonsense about his next door seatmate when no one even knows if they were together or strangers.  In the minds of his fans David is not allowed to date or screw unless it’s one of them. So idiotically middle school. I hope he got laid.

Nary a word about him attending a violent sport like MMA. Which really makes me laugh. Whenever I am home and Sven is watching UFC I tease him that the only difference between gay porn and UFC is boxing trunks and lack of lube. Could be worse, he could be attending that fake wrestling crap shown on TBS. At least MMA is a real sport.

It’s also being reported that Clay Aiken has split up from his boyfriend due to some change of relationship status on MySpace.  Yawn. Are there still Clay Tards?

And the Adam Lambert juggernaut tour rolls on, selling out like I’m sure 19E wishes the AI tour would. It amuses me that his tards, the Sparkle Cows, are willing to stand in line for literally days to be the first ones to stampede through the cattle chute and be nearest to the stage for a show they are seeing again and again and again.

Isn’t it a bit like eating the same food for every meal for a month. At first it seems like heaven on earth, your favorite meal again and again but before the week is out you decide due to repetition that you hate and despise it now.

I don’t know how they can do that. Especially with the record heat wave we’ve been experiencing here on the East Coast where most of the recent venues have been. How can you wait all those hours in air officially declared to be hazardous to your health?  Not to mention lack of restrooms, hygiene challenges, sweating like a hog and the mind numbing boredom of waiting for hours.

One of the funniest things about the tour is the fact that the Sparkle Cows have seized upon the idea of waving glow sticks, blue glow sticks, around whenever  Adam sings the line from WWFM – ‘Thanks for loving me, you’re doing it perfectly.’ They are thinking that they are responding to his love for them and showing love back. Uh, Sparkle Cows, Adam didn’t write that line and it has nothing to do with any of you. Pink wrote it, she had none of you in mind and then Adam recorded it. If anything it’s probably a frightening reminder to Adam every time he sees glowing blue that he has the craziest most obsessional fan base of any American Idol contestant.

Oh, and old news. Constantine, The Greasy One, has managed to knock someone up.  Guess he switched from butt sex finally.