Archive for June 2011

Why? Neil Lambert Is Alive & Well

June 30, 2011

I’m too sick and bedridden to rant about Cook fans today but I have noticed people coming in here under the dumbest of search engine terms today.

Now usually when we get search engine terms showing up on the stats it’s either pornographic like “Wet Fat Asses” or “Lady Blows Dogs” or it involves David Unbaldy Cook’s new hair. I get oodles of hits here every day saying things like ‘What did David Cook do to his hair?’ ‘Does American Idol David Cook wear a wig?” or my personal favorite – ‘Does David Cook have hair plugs?’

Today’s most searched terms were ‘Neil Lambert Suicide’ & ‘Did Adam Lambert’s brother kill himself’

What the fuck gives here folks? Is it so quiet in Lambertland that tards are making up random rumors about Adam family members now? Someone ‘splain it to me.

Tweeted Neil to ask him why the Sparkle Cows were Googling his possible suicide and he didn’t know.

Very bizarre fanbase I have to say.

I’ll be back with more David Cook CD release week once my diverticulitis decides if it’s going to get better.

David Cook Best Buy Aftermath

June 29, 2011

And so yesterday was finally the day when David Cook’s newest CD dropped and the promotional activities were at a heightened frenzy. One particular recounting of the Best Buy show and CD signing made me laugh, posted by L. here in the comments. It was Daina the Pizza Screamer Tard complaining about being manhandled and mistreated throughout the signing on Twitlonger to David.

Whenever I think about Daina I think about two things. 1) A Tumblr posting I once saw that read ‘I screamed PIZZA during climax’ and 2) that expensive ‘book’ she had compiled of everyone elses live pictures of Cook’s first tour and then charged all the tards a hundred bucks to get a copy of. Wonderful pocket lining scam.

“@thedavidcook I am legit upset, and I never, ever like to bother you with this petty shit. We were first in line to talk to you, got physically pushed and rushed like cattle past you. We lined up early after being told we could, then got kicked out hours later. Then we were told we could line up at 9pm the noght before for wristbands, then that backfired and they let people line up at 7:30. Then we were told we could come back for the show at 4pm, and they let people squat at 2:30. The whole thing was a clusterfuck that your fans did not deserve. All I wanted was to get you to sign my photobook after waiting a year and a half. I don’t like to “use” this… I don’t want any special recognition, but it’s the same book I spent months personally compiling for you, your fans, your band, family to raise money for your choice charity. I did this with the help of a ton of your fans, many of whom are like extended family to me. I was told no. Fine. I put it away. Then, after it was already back in my purse, I was threatened by the security guy as if I was going to pull it out, all ninja style. Not that I would have had the chance even if that was my super secret plan, since I was physically pushed past you anyway. One of the guards actually said to my friend, “Remember, they don’t know you.” Neal has called me by name, so at the very least I know HE knows me. You have told us time and time again you see us as family. You’ve called us by name and shared laughs and tears with us at times. In my eyes, that means, in a way, you kind of do know us, even if only by face. That statement to me seemed to say that RCA’s belief was that you didn’t care what any of us would have to say to you… but I’m sorry, I wasn’t there simply to have a named scribbled on paper. God forbid, I wanted to say hi to all the guys, and say something quick to you on one of the biggest days of your life, and one we’ve been waiting forever for. Then, of course, we hear later that you were taking more time, telling the security to chill out and personalizing cd’s. I’m a tad disillusioned. You were and always be the best thing about these stupid things we do to show our support, and you have me as a fan forever. I would have liked to say something other than a rehearsed sentence, but that’s all I had the chance to do. I would have liked to tell you, quickly, that this album means so much to me. I could have done it in a few seconds, but instead, huge men put their hands on me, which is unacceptable. So I’ll just say now that I missed you, I’m glad your back, and ‘This Loud Morning” is the most beautiful piece of art I’ve heard in years, if not ever. Your passion and love showed in every song, and it was worth the wait. That said, the cd signing… not so much worth the wait and bullshit. If you don’t sign on tour like the “old days,” and the only chance I ever have to talk to you is at one of these things, I’m sorry to say, I may not be there. I will be in the audience, cheering you on, but I may never speak to you face to face again. Not if it will be like that just was.Your name in sharpie on a cd cover isn’t worth the hours spent waiting for it, getting dicked around by Best Buy personel and physically man handled by RCA security. Sorry. I do love YOU though. Don’t ever doubt that. ~Daina

PS, You sounded amazing tonight, and I’m sorry that got overshadowed with the bad experience that followed. And thank you for the pizza. That was an amazingly thoughtful gesture. Too bad you wasted all that money on a bunch of people you “don’t know.” ”

How charmingly passive aggressive! It’s like she doesn’t have a clue it’s a CD signing event, not a meet and great. Yeah, I’m sure Non Baldy is going to be crying big old tears because you claim that you’ll not push yourself into his face any longer for attention. Sounds like security did the job they were supposed to do for a change.

You can watch the entire thing online and judge for yourself – Best Buy Signing

David Cook – Adventures of Pizza Delivery Boy?

June 28, 2011

or Anatomy of the Tard Pack:

Last night Cook took an action that seemed sweet and nice on the face of it but after viewing the photos it’s pretty obvious it was an odious task. Probably something ordered by RCA management, another thankless task in a sea of crapola you must do to flog your new CD. He had to deliver pizzas to the whining tard masses lined up inside NYCs Union Square Best Buy. Same chicks that were complaining that the NYC popo prevented from lining up on the sidewalk that morning because they didn’t have a city permit to form a line. Heh.

Let’s examine this photos. David looks to me like a pizza delivery boy that just realized that he’s about to be stiffed for the tip on a big order.

Daina the Pizza Screamer Tard should have been creaming her whatevehs because he brought her and pals pizza.

He looks like this knowledge has cruelly sunk in. Someone on another board wrote this after viewing the pizza delivery photos…

The Five Stages of Living with a Frauen Fanbase:

1) Denial: “That will never happen to me. I’m not anything like Clay Aiken or Taylor Hicks. I sing CURRENT music and I’ll get lots of young, cool fans.”

2) Anger: “Why are all of these heifers in the front row AGAIN? I specifically geared this tour toward college students, but all I see is the same group of ugly trolls, night after night! And who are these idiots with light-up bunny ears?”

3) Bargaining: “Okay, let’s try something new. We’ll start passing out wristbands at the BACK of the line. If we can get some normal fans in the front row, my life won’t seem so pathetic.”

4) Depression: “I never should have auditioned for American Idol. I’ve ruined my credibility and my career. I’m no different than Clay and Taylor after all…these fraus are going to stalk me forever. I wish I was dead.”

5) Acceptance: “Okay, look. At least my tards are actually buying albums. They do provide me with enough money that I I don’t have to bartend anymore, so there’s that. And if I ever need to get laid in a pinch, I’ll just enlist the help of some alcohol and a paper bag.”

Then there’s stage 6, where Clay and a few other Idols are. Cook’s not quite there yet.

6) Milk your tards for every single penny you can wrest from them.

Last night the tards were tweeting photos of Cook and pals warming up and others they’d taken breathlessly pressed up against the glass like crazed paparazzi. Sad. Pathetic.

David Cook: This Loud Morning

June 27, 2011

So the tards have gleefully descended on New York, New York, land of Donald Trump, big buildings and street vendor knishes. The whole gang is there, DebraKay flew in from Washington state. Daina Pizza Screamer tard is there. Svagina, oooops, Svigani, Svigina, whatever her freaking name is happens to be there too. Tards have flown in from Finland and the Philippines and a handful of other places.

See some of the usual gang of offenders taken a mere five hours ago?

They started lining up on the sidewalk in front of Best Buy at 3:30 am for those wristbands that will be given away with the purchase of David Cook’s new CD to the first 200 folks buying it. Remember, this CD goes on sale at midnight tonight, soooo they were hunkering down for nearly 24 hours in advance to get these wrist bands.

So what does the wrist band buy you? A twirl around the dance floor with Cook? Having Cook as ‘slave for a day’? A special decoder ring? Nope to all of that. You get to have your CD signed by David et al and attend a ‘show’ there in the Best Buy.

Is that really worth lining up for that early? Most of these chickies have pushed themselves on Cook a zillion and one times already to the point where I hear on the last tour towards the end his security people had lists and pictures of who to not allow close.

But it hasn’t quite worked out the way that they wanted.

breadmom1 Rhoda Farber · Follow
@thedavidcook. Wake up Dave! Did yu see your fans slept outside BB last night and was told to leave this AM because of no permit! Yu know us

Ha! The fickle finger of fate has goosed the silly gooses right in the heinie. Apparently about an hour ago they were told to clear out because they didn’t have a permit from the city to form a line for the event! Delicious and perfect. Karma wins for a change.

Should be interesting to see what happens next.

David “UnBaldy” Cook’s Sophomoronic Debut Week

June 23, 2011

I guess I shouldn’t be calling Unbaldy’s new CD release ‘sophomoronic’ considering all I’ve heard is that first single. I hope for the sake of his musical career that it reinvents music, blows away the critics, earns him newer less crazy fans. But the way the fickle finger of fate seems to work it’s probably going to blow goats it will be so mediocre.

However Wehoscott is busy shouting everywhere that it’s going to be like the second coming gang banged sparkle unicorns rolled in ice cream, sprinkles and chocolate syrup. He claims the earth will move, uh, honey, if the earth moves while you’re listening to “This Loud Morning” you should probably check to make sure you didn’t fall out of your chair.

No Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets updates as she’s been super quiet, like a spider in hiding planning out her next move. I know where I hope it is to. I wonder if she’s going to participate in the tard madness that is Cook’s release week next week. Pennsylvania is a mere hop, skip and proverbial jump from NYC and the New Jersey Six Flags he’ll be appearing at later in the week.

Me? You could not PAY me to go anywhere near a Six Flags. They smell like ass and are crammed with the type of folks I try to avoid without adding the sweating like a mule madchens and fraus of his crazy fan base. The smell will be horrendous! Something like high noon in the slums & favelas of Rio.

The most fun part of watching the David Cook insane fan base squeal over this is the contretemps over the private show he’s giving at NYC’s Paramount Hotel in Times Square. If you’re a hotel guest you get to attend this show along with VIPs and contest winners. This is happening mid morning the day of the CD release so tards are scrambling to book rooms. But many of them are complaining that even as the hotel advertises its rates of starting at 200 bucks a night for this event the cheapest is from 375 upward. I don’t blame them, have to make hay while the sun is shining, I’d raise the prices too just to milk some of that frau lust. Capitalism is a bitch sometimes. Normal rates are $200. If you ring up hysterically demanding to be on the speshul bolt on floor, they slam you with ‘Jesus fucking christ not another horny old bag” fees

I am curious as to how the hard core wack pack is going to jostle from one event to the next quickly if they cannot stand in line for all of the events. Shortly after the Paramount show Unbaldy is due at the Best Buy in Union Square. To attend this event you have to be one of the first 200 to buy his CD when it goes on sale at 12:01 am on Tuesday morning. You’ll get the chance to have him sign your CD and attend a show. Tards are already talking about lining up on Monday morning to be first in line.

Chapter 16: Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets Chronicles

June 10, 2011

So now that Holly proclaimed that they were closing David Cook Uncensored it seems that all they did was change the name. Now it’s David Cook News Board.

Compare for yourself – all attempts to search for David Cook Uncensored lead to the newly created David Cook News Board on Foromotion. Very curious. Has someone not read Shakespeare and his take on names, something about a rose smelling just as sweet if it were named something else. Well, I’m not smelling anything as sweet as a rose, more like something extremely fishy and foolish.

How goes the room mate hunt I wonder? Will the new room mate be annoyed by the operation of a pet sitting business out of the same location? Are there business zoning ordinances that perhaps someone is breaking? So many questions I’d love to know the truth about.

What Other Fantards Do You Know?

June 9, 2011

I’m not going to talk about David Cook’s failed single, intra-fan wars over the single, Kerry Kolsch goes Green Acres or some of the restless silly in any of the other fandoms. I’m not even going to pick on Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets today as I sense she’s busy trying to get that room mate for her townhouse advertised in the papers and changing the name of ‘David Cook Uncensored’ to the ‘David Cook News Board’.

Just a caution: If you answer an ad to rent a room in Yardley, Pennsylvania please make sure you Google your potential landlord’s name.

Instead I’d like to ask you what other crazy fandoms you laugh over and follow. Please share in the comments.

Are there any over-involved fandoms or folks out there that make you laugh besides the crazy American Idol ones? I know there are tons of crazier than the most horny Claymate fantards out there of many different things, everything from beauty pageants to plastic model horses besides the garden variety sort following actors/musicians/politicians. Share what crazy fan groups that bear examination, laughing and pointing.

I had my very own fantard spotting this morning – I had a tard-spotting today at Target but I didn’t know it until the silly gal was driving away.

I was minding my own business, standing in line to buy some random junk for the house when the whole damn register belt ‘Tha-WHUMP!’ Looked up and saw a 30sih-40ish woman with an ass the size of Cincinatti but with a regular fatty above the waist. Weird looking, like someone sawed a very fat chick in two and a regular fat gal in two and then reconnected the wrong bits. Oh she was rocking the sartorial splendor of a hot summer day in the Virginia Piedmont. She wore a the squished and dusty pair of black Crocs with faded to mid-gray old black stretch pants with a t-shirt resplendent with a photo of the two leads of the “Twilight” series with the motto “Twilight” above it.

Okay, so it’s not a crime to not know how to dress appropriately for age, body type and social situation. I ain’t no (to steal L Anne Carrington’s phrase) ‘stuck up skeleton whore’ ‘SWANKY’ (yeah, I’m fat) but what she wore didn’t do her any favors. But I didn’t think anything much of it, maybe it was the first thing she could find. No idea about trip to tardtown yet.

This big old redhead keep yapping at first about how ‘sorry’ she was that the store Hoverround cart she was riding rammed the checkout stand. She was told, no problem. And then it got weird.

Miss Hoverround started to speak, very sotto voice, muttering to herself like the crazed shopping cart lady in the park that tries to preach to the squirrels. She started softly enough before she proceeded to mutter just loud enough for us to hear about how some people didn’t realize they were taking up space in the handicapped line without being handicapped. WTF? It was the only line open and I had 3 items. She complained about the smallness of the aisles for the handicapped, how Target had no respect for the handicapped, blah, blah, blah and other bizarre mutterings. The cashier and I just kept staring at each other and rolling our eyes over Lil Miss Fatty Handicapped.

Let me state here I have no problem with fat people in general but I do when they need to walk and clearly refuse to do so because the store offers a Hoverround cart for the aged or infirm. At that point I had no idea if she was or wasn’t handicapped.

I get my shit and get, go over to the Starbucks inside our Target to get a Venti Latte, it’s hotter than hammered hell here. I get my iced coffee just in time to see Miss Handicapped get off the store rascal and oh so slowly waddle out the front door with her two bags of junk food. (Did I mention she had ice cream, ho-hos and fritos along with other high fat low nutrition things? Yes, I’m being super stupid judgemental..) We were going out to the parking lot at the same time, in the time it took her to walk out to her vehicle (near mine at least 30 spaces from the front door) I had my stuff in the car, the cart put up and I was sitting in my car, curious why she wasn’t parked in the Handicapped parking section right next to the store. She finally got in her mini van and pulled out just in time for me to read about twenty Harry Potter and Twilight bumper stickers on the back of the car, including a couple for fan fiction websites blaring proudly the links.

Oh how I wished I’d have been able to reach my cell phone camera I would have photographed this nutty Twitarder/Pottertard in all her glory. Suddenly I understand the five foot wide ass and lack of social skills. I wish I knew her username on Fan Fiction dot net and the other sites because I have a sneaking suspicion she probably writes scads of Harry Potter getting boffed by Edward the vampire porn. It would be laugh and point worthy.

So, what other crazy fantardships do you know of out there. Let me know in the comments.