Posted tagged ‘Ariel Bender’

David Cook Tards: Fightin’ For A Space In The Front Row

September 12, 2011

Back in the stone ages when I was a mere 15 I used to be totally insanely mad about a band called Mott The Hoople. A very virile and masculine-looking bunch in high boots, glittery makeup and a lead singer that made Bob Dylan’s tunelessness seem like crystalline pure notes. I was so insane for them I hitchhiked up to big old bad NYC at 15 to see Mott and lure Peter Overend Watts into my hotel bed. Didn’t happen but he’s still a sexy devil even at his age. Lord Ove, hit me up sometime. I’d even let you fish for the carp in my 250 gallon rain water container. And other things.

But I digress remembering my ancient days of tarding even if Overend makes me want to tard hard again…

There used to be an old Mott the Hoople song I loved…

….and it included the lyric –

“Everybody hazy, shell-shocked and crazy
Screaming for the face at the window
Jeans for the genies, dresses for the dreamies
Fighting for a place in the Front row”

It’s that “Fighting for a place in the front row” that concerns me tonight. We’ve had a few Gavin Degraw fans visit here to recount their non-tardness but claim that they are always in the front row and will fight for that. This bodes ill because there are a number of Cook Tards that are expert front row obnoxicons. They’ve been known to step on feet, curse out, push, shove, elbow, sneer, insult, cry, yell and other tactical maneuvers trying to get near that young peen on the stage. How else do they get the fifty million crotch shots needed to squee over at DCO and the departed lair of Mary Ann Holly Sockpuppets DCU? Oh, won’t someone think of the droolers needing their millioneth happy snap of David Cook’s unpointing pants!

I’m not sure the Cook Tards are aware of it yet but tickets for the shows are already on sale at a special pay Gavin fan site, so it’s likely if it’s not a general admission show that the front rows will have already been snapped up. The Gavin fantards are getting them first, not Cook’s herd. Oh, the huge manatee!!

Has to be karma again considering how Ladynsearch, RoseC and others were busy whining to his brother, Andrew Cook, that Andrew wasn’t playing Cook songs. Andrew was in KC and was DJing over at KCRadio.com, where he used to DJ when he lived in the area. The Cooktards were busy twittering and tweeting him their outrage over his betrayal of the bro by his music selections. As usual lots of ugly bashing of Andrew but at least he will tell them when they’re all behaving like See You Next Tuesdays. He told them off. None of them picked up on the fact that he did play a song that Cook had written for another band.

Add in the disgusting fetishisticness about everything to do with Cook’s appearance singing the National Anthem at yesterday’s Chief’s game and their silly belief that they got RCAEd fired (he’s not, dumbasses) and you have enough bad behavior to make bad karma take notice of the bunch.

PS to Lord Ove – I’m kidding (No I’m not!)