Posted tagged ‘Bret Michaels’

Talking Play D’Oh!

July 13, 2010

Today I sat and watched ANOTHER womens oriented talk show. I watched The View.

Usually I would rather had flaming needles poked through my eyeballs and listened to ‘For Your Entertainment’ repeatedly at Alvin and the Chipmunks speeds than watch a womens talk show. But I like Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar so I bit the bullet vibrator and tuned in to see Bert, errr, Bret Michaels lie some more about how wonderfully healthy he is now.

I do not care what the dude says; you do not recover instantaneously from a stroke. Or two strokes. Or a brain hemorrhage and a stroke and a hole in your heart. I still believe the dude is dicing with death, dancing with the Reaper.

But what did my surprised eyes spy once The View started? Nope, not a Wigzilla-free Bert. Nope, not Elizabeth Hasselback suddenly turning liberal. Nope, not Barbara Walters mounting a stripper pole. I saw Claylene, the original American Idol always a bridesmaid, never a bride Clay Aiken. He was the guest-host of The View, hawking his new tour with Idol winner – flop sweating fool Ruben Studdard.

It looks like Clay’s over the top plastic surgery is starting to settle in. He’s lost some of the freakish shiny mask appearance even if he still looks nothing like that goofy stick-thin young man that auditioned for Idol.

I kept waiting for Claylene to speak but he sat like a paralytic lump of Juvederm, Botox and Restylane without saying much, or having facial expressions or smiling. He was less than enthusiastic when Bret Michaels performed and interviewed. He said nothing about the clacking and babbling going on about the Mel Gibson rant tape. Only when poked and pointedly stared at by his other cohosts did he finally speak up about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” but still had nothing of any substance to add. He said something during the obligatory food segment about not ever drinking booze while drinking down a dessert martini. He seemed colder than a box of the Gorton’s Fisherman’s fish sticks.

Does he even still have tards? Why?

Idol Speculations & Bitchslapping

June 13, 2010

The Tay-tards are gathered in Syracuse right now for a Balloon festival that Taylor Hicks is playing at in a few short minutes. They arrived at the idiotically early hour of 10 am to try and do gawd knows what. They have been twittering pictures of the high caloric, fat, sugar and chemically laden chow they’ve been shoveling into their gaping maws all day. I’m betting that the hot air in the balloons isn’t the only hot gases around that place. Beano anyone?

Hint to Tay-tards. Your Idol is only important to you now. You really do not need to show up at the ass crack of dawn to stake out your places near the stage. I’m sure Taylor still has nightmares about his tours. No need to traumatize the guy any further.

There’s been more dumb speculation that Bret Michaels will be the next judge. Paula Abdul is sounding off on it in her usual chemically stewedesque way. She spoke to Hollywood Life about Bert.

I think this judge – no judge – he’s a judge – she could be a judge is utter bullshit cooked up by the geniuses of 19E to keep everyone talking about American Idol all summer and fall until it premiers. It’s more media chain yanking and priceless free publicity. We are being toyed with here.

And lastly I’m laughing hard that Eminem decided to diss old Baldy in his latest song right up there with Brook Hogan. Wondering how David Cook feels about the Em taking a swing at him lyrically. Em, knock it off, taking a pot shot at people in the lyrics of your songs is so Lindsay Lohan! Last time it was Adam Lambert and Gay, er, Clay Aiken, who next, Lee “Not all his marbles are there” Dewyse?

New American Idol Judge

June 10, 2010

Apparently the brainiacs at 19 Entertainment are actually considering putting Bert, errr, Bret Michaels in Simon’s old judge position. While it could be interesting (imagine the possible RoL-style hijinks) and rife with possibilities it’s also another likely sign that Idol has jumped a fleet of sharks and is now circling the drain. This article goes on to state that Bret is rearranging his touring schedule and that Simon Cowell pitched Bret as his replacement. Not the first place to print this speculation.

What would Idol look like with Bret as a judge?  Bret as a judge strikes me as someone who would be like the bastard love child of Randy Jackson and Ellen DeGeneres, a genuine Plaquemines parish mistake. You could count on Bret to be as nice like Ellen and as meaninglessly jargonistic as Randy. Instead of ‘Yo Dawg’ you’d get ‘Wassagoinon’ and ‘die-a-beettus’. Bret could never fill Simon’s blunt honesty mixed with sarcasm daily requirements. Add in his inappropriate sexual bantering for extra creepiness. It would be a cluster-you-know-what if they pick Bret.

Loved Bret on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’, loathed him on “Rock of Love’, liked his turn on Idol with Casey James, but he’s just not right as a judge. Bring Bert on as a mentor for a week, now that would be nice, just don’t ask him to take over for Simon. We need a different kind of nasty.

However, Bret might be able to give David Cook some tips of wigs and hair extensions and tattoo care.

More Google Searches – Lost Count Now..

April 14, 2010

Dear David,

I’ve not been paying much attention to the Google searches leading here until today. Most of them are porn involves like “My Little Porny” or “David Cook Andy Skib Neal Tiemann Slash” Porn’s not my thing. I find it rather boring, same old in and out, even though I know lots of folks adore it.  Nothing wrong it.

But to have your fans openly Googling for sexual based fan fic for you and your band is pretty far over the line of appropriateness.  Real person fiction is creepy as hell.

The porn searches of the horny and desperate not related to you really make me laugh..

Sub male in blonde torture cook porno video – Not a clue. This must be some sort of hentai action I’ve not heard of involving cooks and chefs. It keeps popping up here again and again. Someone please elucidate in the comments.

Insane Cook Porn – Again, What. The. Hell?

Young men & boys love big cock – Hey, who doesn’t? I know Adam Lambert prolly does. But I bet you don’t.

Baldy marry – Someone is curious to know when you’ll be tying the knot.  I’m betting they think they’d fill that bridal slot perfectly. I can see some frautard complying a dream wedding scrapbook with all the crap she fantasizes about you. Run!! Take my advice, don’t do it till you’re 30.

Who is CooCoo – Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. That describes perfectly some of the frau herd.

Idletard point & laugh – Sic transit gloria mundi  or so passes worldly glory. Idletard may have bitten the dust, but the laughing and pointing at the tards it embraced lives on forever.

Insane Cook brothers – I don’t know, you and your bro Andrew seem rather sane to me most of the time. However, being stalked by those fat old ladies is enough to drive anyone around the bend. Your poor brother is probably traumatized for all time and eternity because your frau hit on him with pictures of you as them. I don’t think he’s a fan of  ‘The closer the kin, the deeper it goes in.’

Kerry Kolsch frau tard – Someone was looking for the most insane of all the Adam Lambert fraus. The one that insists that it’s a conspiracy involving 19E, Chick Fil La, AT&T, the state of Arkansas, devout Southern Christians and a laundry list of others that was to blame for Adam failing to win Idol. Wonder what she’s blaming Adam’s massive post Idol blunders on?

and lastly,

Big John Bret Michaels – Poor old Bert,, er, Bret Michaels is having a time of it right now. He had appendicitis in Texas and had to have it removed. This is on top of his weekly televised humiliation at the hands of  Donald Trump and his team mates on Celebrity Apprentice. Looks like 2010 is not shaping up to be one of his best years. Last week Bret was crying onscreen. I didn’t know he had it him in to weep like that. After years of making fun of him on all those shitfest “Rock of Love” programs he actually comes away very differently on Apprentice.

But I still needs me some Big John.

You need a Big John too to keep the freaks away at your gigs.

Google Questions #10 or My Little Porny

November 17, 2009

Dear David,

There were more queries into the nature of Mary Ann/Holly and the Sockpuppets but quite frankly I’m done with that for now. She’s repetitive and boring, thinks she’s your internet mommy. Ugh!

“Hair wig” – Well, what other types are there? Oh yeah, I forgot that Bret Michaels has a  My Little Pony wig.

“insane Cook porno” – I think this is a reference to the rape fics at Illusions of Cook but not entirely sure. Did you take a second job ala the Mormon boy in ‘Orgasmo”?

You Need A “Big John”

September 2, 2009

Security anyone?

Dear David, we’ve been hearing stories for eons now since you went out on the road about all sorts of nasty nasty confloptions your crazy stalker fans have been inflicting on you. I don’t know if they are true because I will not go within 500 miles of the heifer-fans. It’s been said that they’ve gotten on your bus without your permission, put a tracking device on the bus somehow, they’ve followed you hither and yon after hours to the point and ruining any chance at nookie from a normal cute age-appropriate lady. Tales of family and friends and the crippled being knocked aside by the obnoxicons crashing private functions. Heard some of the idiots showed up at your dear brother’s funeral  Tres tacky!

We’ve all seen the photos of the Meet & Greets after the show with you wearing an expression akin to a man who’s suddenly discovered that solid gold tie he was wearing has morphed into a stinky rotting fish while the frauffalo wear expressions of near orgasmic bliss. The video of you telling people off from squishing the little kid has been circulated widely.

David, you have a problem. No real security at your events. You need someone like “Rock of Love” Big John. You think anyone would have a chance to pull that nonsense on Bret Michaels? Nope, Big John would knock the fuck out of them and call for more security to keep Bret safe. He doesn’t give a rats ass about frau feelings and such nonsense, only about the needs of the headliner.

Big John

Seriously, get your agent to rewrite your contract rider for what you need to perform and get the promoter to pony up for decent security or you’re going to be crushed by a wave of pocketed teddy bears and sCrapbooks at best, physically harmed at worst, if things continue down the path you’re on. I’d hate to see a fraufallo pull a Squeaky Fromme or John Wayne Gacy on you.