Posted tagged ‘David Cook Baldy’

David Cook Fantards Search Nashville & Write Some Bad Poetry

August 24, 2012

I’ve  heard from (Redacted)  that a large number of Cooktards have been busy searching Music City for any sign of David, his girl friend, dog, left over garbage, third cousin twice removed, any small hint of what his address might be in the city. They say that many have tried some rather desperate possibly illegal measures to try and find his home. Hope there’s a gate, a guard and a gun or he’ll be facing some horrors I’m sure.
Someone sent me this Tweet that really made me laugh. Poor Cook is getting this stupid stuff messaged to him every day. Add another guard…

My ♥ is your garden, @thedavidcook. Come, plant your seed. All the dreams you conceive, spread them on me. Whatever you sow is all I need.
19 Aug

Reminds me of this from the original BBC production for television of “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” except it’s way more ick factor.

David Cook Sophmoronic Tour Starts

October 11, 2011

Sunday night Cook’s new ‘tewer’ started with a bang.. or be that a ripping sound? Caused by another nut and her pals. Dana from New Jersey (Disclaimer: NOT Daina Pizza Screamer from New Jersey. Another Dana.) had been man handling Cook when he was nearby during “Declaration”. Shortly thereafter on stage Cook’s leather pants ripped from ass to knee and the crowd went wild. Particularly after he mumbled something about the rip being a Dicklaration. The crazy Cooktards ate that up and it started off an endless round of speculations on them seeing his dick.

I’ve looked at the photos and it’s more penis wishful thinking. I doubt most of those tards have seen a real live penis in this century and would mistake all sorts of things for peen – a giant praying mantis riding a thermometer, rolled up socks, a banana or a rolled up copy of the Constitution of the United States.

This is the Tard fantasy of what was seen in those darkened grainy photos

Reality – far different than Tard wishes…

Idol Tards have always mistakenly thought all male Idols have huge schlongs while medical research in recent years says that the average penis is between 5 inches and 6.2 inches. That’s 87 percent of men worldwide. The percent with huge peen? A mere 4 percent. Unlikely that many or even any of the Idols are sporting anything beyond the average length, not that it matters anyway, but it seems to be an ongoing creepy concern of the Cooktards and all Tard groups.

Brian May Big Dick

Anyhoo, here’s hoping that Cook gets better hair that doesn’t look snapped on like a Lego Man’s and that the rest of this tour is filled with Tard Fail and amusement. Seems that some of the university gigs are making the middle aged non-student tard pack move to the back of the venue with the students right up front. That’s so awesome!

Why? Neil Lambert Is Alive & Well

June 30, 2011

I’m too sick and bedridden to rant about Cook fans today but I have noticed people coming in here under the dumbest of search engine terms today.

Now usually when we get search engine terms showing up on the stats it’s either pornographic like “Wet Fat Asses” or “Lady Blows Dogs” or it involves David Unbaldy Cook’s new hair. I get oodles of hits here every day saying things like ‘What did David Cook do to his hair?’ ‘Does American Idol David Cook wear a wig?” or my personal favorite – ‘Does David Cook have hair plugs?’

Today’s most searched terms were ‘Neil Lambert Suicide’ & ‘Did Adam Lambert’s brother kill himself’

What the fuck gives here folks? Is it so quiet in Lambertland that tards are making up random rumors about Adam family members now? Someone ‘splain it to me.

Tweeted Neil to ask him why the Sparkle Cows were Googling his possible suicide and he didn’t know.

Very bizarre fanbase I have to say.

I’ll be back with more David Cook CD release week once my diverticulitis decides if it’s going to get better.

David Cook – Adventures of Pizza Delivery Boy?

June 28, 2011

or Anatomy of the Tard Pack:

Last night Cook took an action that seemed sweet and nice on the face of it but after viewing the photos it’s pretty obvious it was an odious task. Probably something ordered by RCA management, another thankless task in a sea of crapola you must do to flog your new CD. He had to deliver pizzas to the whining tard masses lined up inside NYCs Union Square Best Buy. Same chicks that were complaining that the NYC popo prevented from lining up on the sidewalk that morning because they didn’t have a city permit to form a line. Heh.

Let’s examine this photos. David looks to me like a pizza delivery boy that just realized that he’s about to be stiffed for the tip on a big order.

Daina the Pizza Screamer Tard should have been creaming her whatevehs because he brought her and pals pizza.

He looks like this knowledge has cruelly sunk in. Someone on another board wrote this after viewing the pizza delivery photos…

The Five Stages of Living with a Frauen Fanbase:

1) Denial: “That will never happen to me. I’m not anything like Clay Aiken or Taylor Hicks. I sing CURRENT music and I’ll get lots of young, cool fans.”

2) Anger: “Why are all of these heifers in the front row AGAIN? I specifically geared this tour toward college students, but all I see is the same group of ugly trolls, night after night! And who are these idiots with light-up bunny ears?”

3) Bargaining: “Okay, let’s try something new. We’ll start passing out wristbands at the BACK of the line. If we can get some normal fans in the front row, my life won’t seem so pathetic.”

4) Depression: “I never should have auditioned for American Idol. I’ve ruined my credibility and my career. I’m no different than Clay and Taylor after all…these fraus are going to stalk me forever. I wish I was dead.”

5) Acceptance: “Okay, look. At least my tards are actually buying albums. They do provide me with enough money that I I don’t have to bartend anymore, so there’s that. And if I ever need to get laid in a pinch, I’ll just enlist the help of some alcohol and a paper bag.”

Then there’s stage 6, where Clay and a few other Idols are. Cook’s not quite there yet.

6) Milk your tards for every single penny you can wrest from them.

Last night the tards were tweeting photos of Cook and pals warming up and others they’d taken breathlessly pressed up against the glass like crazed paparazzi. Sad. Pathetic.

David Cook: This Loud Morning

June 27, 2011

So the tards have gleefully descended on New York, New York, land of Donald Trump, big buildings and street vendor knishes. The whole gang is there, DebraKay flew in from Washington state. Daina Pizza Screamer tard is there. Svagina, oooops, Svigani, Svigina, whatever her freaking name is happens to be there too. Tards have flown in from Finland and the Philippines and a handful of other places.

See some of the usual gang of offenders taken a mere five hours ago?

They started lining up on the sidewalk in front of Best Buy at 3:30 am for those wristbands that will be given away with the purchase of David Cook’s new CD to the first 200 folks buying it. Remember, this CD goes on sale at midnight tonight, soooo they were hunkering down for nearly 24 hours in advance to get these wrist bands.

So what does the wrist band buy you? A twirl around the dance floor with Cook? Having Cook as ‘slave for a day’? A special decoder ring? Nope to all of that. You get to have your CD signed by David et al and attend a ‘show’ there in the Best Buy.

Is that really worth lining up for that early? Most of these chickies have pushed themselves on Cook a zillion and one times already to the point where I hear on the last tour towards the end his security people had lists and pictures of who to not allow close.

But it hasn’t quite worked out the way that they wanted.

breadmom1 Rhoda Farber · Follow
@thedavidcook. Wake up Dave! Did yu see your fans slept outside BB last night and was told to leave this AM because of no permit! Yu know us

Ha! The fickle finger of fate has goosed the silly gooses right in the heinie. Apparently about an hour ago they were told to clear out because they didn’t have a permit from the city to form a line for the event! Delicious and perfect. Karma wins for a change.

Should be interesting to see what happens next.

David “UnBaldy” Cook’s Sophomoronic Debut Week

June 23, 2011

I guess I shouldn’t be calling Unbaldy’s new CD release ‘sophomoronic’ considering all I’ve heard is that first single. I hope for the sake of his musical career that it reinvents music, blows away the critics, earns him newer less crazy fans. But the way the fickle finger of fate seems to work it’s probably going to blow goats it will be so mediocre.

However Wehoscott is busy shouting everywhere that it’s going to be like the second coming gang banged sparkle unicorns rolled in ice cream, sprinkles and chocolate syrup. He claims the earth will move, uh, honey, if the earth moves while you’re listening to “This Loud Morning” you should probably check to make sure you didn’t fall out of your chair.

No Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets updates as she’s been super quiet, like a spider in hiding planning out her next move. I know where I hope it is to. I wonder if she’s going to participate in the tard madness that is Cook’s release week next week. Pennsylvania is a mere hop, skip and proverbial jump from NYC and the New Jersey Six Flags he’ll be appearing at later in the week.

Me? You could not PAY me to go anywhere near a Six Flags. They smell like ass and are crammed with the type of folks I try to avoid without adding the sweating like a mule madchens and fraus of his crazy fan base. The smell will be horrendous! Something like high noon in the slums & favelas of Rio.

The most fun part of watching the David Cook insane fan base squeal over this is the contretemps over the private show he’s giving at NYC’s Paramount Hotel in Times Square. If you’re a hotel guest you get to attend this show along with VIPs and contest winners. This is happening mid morning the day of the CD release so tards are scrambling to book rooms. But many of them are complaining that even as the hotel advertises its rates of starting at 200 bucks a night for this event the cheapest is from 375 upward. I don’t blame them, have to make hay while the sun is shining, I’d raise the prices too just to milk some of that frau lust. Capitalism is a bitch sometimes. Normal rates are $200. If you ring up hysterically demanding to be on the speshul bolt on floor, they slam you with ‘Jesus fucking christ not another horny old bag” fees

I am curious as to how the hard core wack pack is going to jostle from one event to the next quickly if they cannot stand in line for all of the events. Shortly after the Paramount show Unbaldy is due at the Best Buy in Union Square. To attend this event you have to be one of the first 200 to buy his CD when it goes on sale at 12:01 am on Tuesday morning. You’ll get the chance to have him sign your CD and attend a show. Tards are already talking about lining up on Monday morning to be first in line.

Chapter 7: The Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppet Chronicles

May 23, 2011

Here is a list of sockpuppet names from DCU that are obvious sockpuppets, no one else but Mary Ann masquerading to support her own suppositions. The list is not exhaustive by any means. Be sure to add any I might have missed into the comments and I’ll put them on the masterlist here. The last two are interesting because they tried to pretend that they were close personal friends of Davids and they would put on quite a show talking together.


And here’s a list of other sockpuppet names she has used on other boards that are likely her.

Cookiefan 555
Barbara 32
Savannaa (some crazy-assed spelling)
Fake Angie

Right now it looks like Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets has banned some long time members for up to two months in a futile attempt to stop the leaks from her board. Another thing she’s done is change the colors and themes of her board so she can deny that any of the screen caps I’m holding came from her board. Which is really stupid because anyone in authority with half a brain can easily pull up the activity log and read that she changed colors, fonts, whatever and the day and time. You can’t run and you can’t hide. If you do dirt on the internet eventually it will catch up with you.

Tomorrow a tale of stalking. When Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets enlisted others in a unified effort to stalk Shannon.