Posted tagged ‘Hairpieces’

Baldy No More

March 18, 2011

Looks like the evidence is mounting that what I pointed out months ago is true. David ‘Baldy’ Cook has had something surgical done about the ‘Baldy’ part.

See for yourself…

Sort of the balding on my way to being a bitchin’ insurance salesman or middle manager look. That hairline is mighty far back and this was only last year.

and now…

Square fake-looking hairline that all former baldies with new fake hairlines sport. I wonder if he got plugs or the whole enchilada where they take a wedge of your scalp at the back and transplant it to your forehead? I’m betting on the latter, especially with the straight line hairline. No wonder he was only seen wearing those sweaty-looking knit caps for eons, hiding the Bride of Frankenstein stitchlines.

This is a photo of Jeremy Piven after having that type of hair restoration.

Better than going with a lace-fronted custom made wig like John Travolta. But what’s that silver whistle around his neck all about? It is a rape whistle to blow if Svagina or Needacock or Holly Sockpuppets gets near and tries to touch parts south?

You just do not know how tempted I am to go lurk at the charity brain cancer thingie Former-Baldy is running in. It’s right down the road a short hop skip and jump from my house. I want to see the hairline up close and sweating. And I want to point and laugh at the fraus that have spent thousands of dollars and traveled hundreds of miles to lurk around a charity event in vain hopes that a man young enough to be their son would notice them. It’s a win-win.

Speaking of which, sounds like there has been oodles of grumbling about how only ‘crappy seats’ were available to the concert he’s playing in conjunction with the charity run. Did it ever enter the heads of any of the droolers that perhaps actual, oh, I don’t know, cancer sufferers might be the ones with the good seats? The mental images of the usual gang of idiots trying to trample cancer patients to catch Baldy’s attention on stage is sick and amusing at the same time.

I’ll be back to talk about a certain tranny-assed douchebag’s grab for more fan money in a few…

ETA: bulletin board and chatroom open. You will need to register with Yuku to use it first. –

David Cook Uncensored – Ignoring The Facts Again

August 10, 2010

Late last night Sandy posted this comment about the recent happenings over at David Cook Uncensored – or as I refer to it David Cooktards Unhinged.

It sure has been slooooow lately at DCU. Members have become fed up with Holly/MaryAnn’s silly sockpuppet games and are jumping ship. This is just making her more and more desperate and she and her sockpuppets have been trying to pull rumors out of thin air to stir up interest in the board again. First there was the short video posted by David’s bandmate, Andy, which showed a blond woman at the table. Almost everyone thinks it looks like David’s manager but Holly and her sockpuppets keep insisting it looks like another cute, young blond who David MUST be secretly dating because he isn’t sitting next to her.

Then Holly pulls out an old photo and tries to tell the members that it was taken at a secret “private party” in the Philippines and tries to start a rumor about the mysterious brunette in the background. But several members recognized the picture as coming from a Skechers photoshoot and try to tell her the brunette is just a model. Holly still insists her Philippine source says it was taken there until one of the members posts a photo from the same photoshoot with the same brunette model in the background that was used in advertisements.

Next Holly posts another old photo taken in a bar that has some random blond in the background and tries to tell the members that it is Katelyn Epperly who was with David that night. Of course the blond girl looks nothing like Katelyn and it doesn’t even look like she is with David. And the photo was taken a full year before Katelyn even apppeared on Idol so it is highly unlikey she would have even met David then. But little details like that aren’t important to Holly when it comes to starting rumors.

Now, apparently someone on twitter tried to warn the cute, young blond(who Holly insisted was in Andy’s video) about Holly’s rumor-mongering and boy is Holly irate. She is threatening to ban members right and left if they do not post within a prescribed amount of time and has enlisted her gang of sockpuppets to root out the lurking traitors on the board while she “goes out to dinner.” Of course by now just about anyone with half a brain could figure out who the sockpuppets are. It’s just that obvious. What an idiot she is!

I had seen all of this over at Mary Ann Sockpuppet’s place and heard people discussing on other boards how she’s really grappling for the flimsiest of possibilities to tout as facts. Was just getting around to posting about Holly/MaryAnn inventing lovers and one night stands for Cook.

This is Mary Ann Sockpuppet’s personal modem operandi. Things get slow and dull in Baldyland and she invents a scandal, a love affair, a rumor and all her sockpuppets chime in on the matter. The difference is now most people are aware it’s a pack of lies without a shred of evidence or truth. It’s damn pathetic.

How does she do it? It’s simple. Example. Recent photo of David Cook from Busch Gardens Williamsburg.

If I were Holly/MaryAnn Sockpuppets I’d say he was balling that fat middle aged lady in the seat right next to the one it looks like he just emerged from. I’d give her an exotic modelesque name, perhaps lift a profile or two from Model Mayhem or some other modeling site. Or perhaps say he’s having nasty three ways with the he/she and super bald guy in the background. Give them D list celeb names and invent some sleazy story, sell it to the tabloids while getting the sockpuppets to chime in about how ‘disgusting’ he is.

He looks like all the frau avoidance maneuvers have left him aged now. Almost haggard looking. Perhaps it’s just the heat.

New American Idol Judge

June 10, 2010

Apparently the brainiacs at 19 Entertainment are actually considering putting Bert, errr, Bret Michaels in Simon’s old judge position. While it could be interesting (imagine the possible RoL-style hijinks) and rife with possibilities it’s also another likely sign that Idol has jumped a fleet of sharks and is now circling the drain. This article goes on to state that Bret is rearranging his touring schedule and that Simon Cowell pitched Bret as his replacement. Not the first place to print this speculation.

What would Idol look like with Bret as a judge?  Bret as a judge strikes me as someone who would be like the bastard love child of Randy Jackson and Ellen DeGeneres, a genuine Plaquemines parish mistake. You could count on Bret to be as nice like Ellen and as meaninglessly jargonistic as Randy. Instead of ‘Yo Dawg’ you’d get ‘Wassagoinon’ and ‘die-a-beettus’. Bret could never fill Simon’s blunt honesty mixed with sarcasm daily requirements. Add in his inappropriate sexual bantering for extra creepiness. It would be a cluster-you-know-what if they pick Bret.

Loved Bret on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’, loathed him on “Rock of Love’, liked his turn on Idol with Casey James, but he’s just not right as a judge. Bring Bert on as a mentor for a week, now that would be nice, just don’t ask him to take over for Simon. We need a different kind of nasty.

However, Bret might be able to give David Cook some tips of wigs and hair extensions and tattoo care.

Google Searches Infinity Plus 20

April 20, 2010

Dear David,

I’ve completely lost track of whatever number I’m on now with the freaky Google searches. The high pollen levels and the drugs I’m on for it aren’t exactly helping either. I saw you tweeted about horrendous allergies this week too. Benadryl is your friend. Hope tonight’s flight is alright between the air pressure in the cabin and the allergies. Sounds like hell on earth to me.

Decided the best thing to do with my lack of short term memory was to start numbering these puppies again and start with 20 since I know we’re almost there now. Funny sick ones today.

Free Gay Webcam Met Flames In Gent -More porn, thankfully too confusing me to work out exactly what this person was looking for. Flamingly gay or webcam voyeurism?

Nutball Stalker Holly –  Things must be getting grim over at David Cook Uncensored. I hear tell the inmates are running that asylum and Mary Ann/Holly is losing it. Not surprised.

Bald Women Porn – Ha ha! More crazy hentai freak porn.

David Cook Hair Plugs – Everyone’s always curious about the hair. Personally I think you should screw with your stalker tards by shaving your head or doing something completely outre, like green or blue hair.

Porn Too Weird Even For L Anne Carrington – This one made me laugh the hardest. Is it even possible that there is porn out there that is too out there for a chick that’s written about incest, titty-banging, lesbian antics, gang bangs, sperm drinking, sexual gymkhana and a cast of revolving characters. Something too weird for L Anne? Scares the crap out of me just thinking about it. I would think it probably involves Ouchy The Clown, midgets and animal porn.

Africa, New Orleans, Tattoos and Hair Raising Hair Lines

March 28, 2010

Dear Baldy,

I guess I can’t call you that any longer since you did something surprising/startling/new with your hair. While it’s obviously still very thin in places you’re cut off the bangs into a Daniel Mead.

Eric Mabius (Daniel Mead – “Ugly Betty”) could eat crackers in my king sized bed any night of the week if I were free and single and younger.

I’ve heard speculation you’re had hair plugs or Hair Club For Men or some other artificial means of hair raising when the new do appeared. Not sure it’s not just your natural hairline. Looks better than those bangs. You know what they used to call bangs in the pre-Victorian era? Lunatic fringe.

Tempted to nickname you ‘Peanut’ Never noticed before how weird the shape of your head is.

Heard you attended the 2010 Ezra Open in my hometown of New Orleans. Good on you. My hometown needs all the help it can get. So how drunk did you get on Bourbon St?

And this week you’re flying out to Africa to help the UN Foundation. Another good on you. But… drink lots of bottled water and watch your step.  Take the prophylaxis drugs they give you and prepare for an unforgettable experience. I’m pretty sure the only large wrinkled-skin mammals you will see there will not be your retarded frau tard pack. And the elephants probably smell better too.

But what’s with the nibbled down to nothing fingernails? Nasty habit that will surely expose you to some nasty unknown germs on the African continent if you chomp and chew your nails there.

So now I’m done with the pushy advice and speculation that pops in my mind when I listen to what your tards are talking about. The biggest weirding me out thing your tards have been up to was that shitaeously ugly tattoo of Andy Skib some proud fantard got.

I saw this much earlier in the week at several boards and today at Top Idol. It’s super-creepy looking. At first I didn’t know exactly what it reminded me of until I was channel surfing and saw a few seconds of one of those prison life specials on MSNBC. Some prisoner had one the same size and color as this freaky looking Andy. Except his was of some chick with big hooters and flames behind her head.

There’s nothing wrong with getting a tattoo per se but your tards take it way too far into the creepy and inappropriate territory. I’ve heard tales of your tour bus logo ending up on someone’s rubbery floppy dugs and The Mid West Kings logo on someone elses back along with loads of poorly executed song lyrics on various body parts.  Glad no one has tried to get your face on their back like one of Adam Lambert’s Sparkle Cows did (Hitler Lambert)

I think the thing I find the most disturbing about these tattoos, other than the fact that most of these women are going to seriously regret tattooing the face of a fleeting crush permanently on their bodies as they age and sag, are the subjects. No, not Madam, let some Sparkle Cow put the Glittery Faking Alien on their heinies. It’s the fact that they are putting the face of a nice young kid like Andy, young enough to have emerged from most of their vaginas, on themselves. It’s just sick and wrong on so many levels.

Google Questions #17

February 19, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Didja have fun singing backing vocals and playing guitar for Andy last night? Guess you weren’t as attention whoring as I thought. Was it nice to see the same old crazy fat faces in your immediate line of vision out there? I’m guessing that’s probably a no.

Be grateful they aren’t doing the dick handling – nut tugging Adam Lambert fans have done to him. He looked so out of his mind on Peruvian Marching Powder that he didn’t seem to notice at first that the hands groping him were either  female, bony and age spotted or ham fisted plump feminine mitts. I understand all about enjoying recreational substances while performing but I think Madam took it a little too far that night.  I guess at least it wasn’t tranny pee.

Okay, so it’s time to look at the weirder Google searches that have landed folks here recently. It’s quite the bizarre list. I’m not even sure I’m going to comment on any of them..

Romance David Cook – So what does it take, Baldy? A bottle of Ripple and the underwear section of the Sears & Roebuck catalog? Candy and flowers?  Midgets bearing filled enema bags? Your public is apparently dying to know.

Tard Strong Bracelet – That’s the only type of jewelry I do not possess and wish I did. Idletard’s Smartie gave those out as rewards for bringing great frau sightings and the like.  I would put it right next to my “Prosecute Bush/Cheney For War Crimes” bracelet.

Insane Wig – Insane as in William Shatner wig insane or as in Phylis Diller insane or Bozo?

Free Porn Sex Whorse – There are whore horses?

Porny Bitches – ????

My Little Porny – Beginners porn.

Insane Cook Brothers – Seem pretty normal from here.

David Cook meet & greet Morongo 2010 – Le sigh.

Love is a blond hore with mental diesese – Hore is a town in the Tikare Department of Bam Province in northern Burkina Faso. So someone thinks that a blond from Hore that’s crazy is the meaning of love.

Free Tranny Gondas Mouvie – I know what ‘Free’ and ‘Tranny’ are but Gondas could either be a town in Ethiopia or a sub shop in Pennsylvania.

Baldy Holly used what guitars? – Did someone combine your DNA and Buddy Holly’s and make some sort of Frankentarist?

David Cook Agnostic – I wouldn’t believe in God either if I was being chased by those heifers.

Twenty Four Hours To Tulsa Dumbass

February 18, 2010

Baldy, Baldy, Baldy,

When reports like those I’m hearing start rolling in I begin to think you’re kind of an idiot.

So Andy and pals are playing a gig in Tulsa. That’s awesome. Andy has a great voice and surely some of your tin-plated fame will rub off on him and he’ll have a shot at a real career that doesn’t involve hordes of cooing old fat ladies.

And the venue released the info that you will be a special guest at this gig for a millisecond before pulling it from their website. Stupid on their part and not particularly smart on your part. You should let Andy have his spotlight instead of horning in on it.

The fraus have been massing to attend this event because of the possibility you might turn up to support your friends. Celine is twatting she’ll be there with her imaginary gang to kick Kim,Kim,Kim, Krunk Jess and Svagina’s collective enormous asses. (I want to see photos of that even though I think it’s lame bullshit, idle threats, selling wolf tickets)  Celine, don’t forget your kneepads and to scout out which bushes to hang out in to improve your chances of handing out blowjobs to the band.

One of the fraus was on your flight to Tulsa. She twatted, tweeted and pissed her pants in excitement.

So it’s shaping up like your typical frau-laden clusterfuck. Enjoy.

And what the fuck up is up with that passive aggressive photo you have on your twitter now? An arrow pointing at your junk yet holding up a hand saying stop. Very passive aggressive, another visual hagiography for your worshipers to dissect endlessly.