Posted tagged ‘Home Makeover’

Google Questions #16

February 2, 2010

Dear Baldy,

More wacky Google searches. Good gopher gravy I love ’em! Nothing funnier than the words that lead to here. Especially since there’s naught happening the world of Baldy-ism right now but you writing and recording your new music. Hope it’s going well and the creative juices are flowing.

“Organic Tattoo” – I am extremely confused by this one because even if ink is ‘organic’ it doesn’t mean it’s all safe and shit. I’m reminded of my Siamese that liked to chew on one of my art pens back in college. I couldn’t figure out the why until hearing that the ink in it was made up partially from ground up bugs. Someone ‘splain to me the difference between organic and non-organic tattooing please.

“I Love Lori Anne” – I think L Anne Carrington, authoress of some of the world’s worst fiction and noted plagiarist, has been riding her Hoveround/Rascal scooter without bringing along the oxygen tank.  Would not surprise me if she was self-Googling without probable cause again to see if she mattered to anyone than our usual gang of chortling meanies.

However I am hoping this means that VH1 is developing  a show around her called “FUPA of Love”

“Tranny Porn” – Is that anything like the Tranny Honey I spotted out and about today?

“Run from a sociopath” – what you have to do every single day out on the road and what Neal is having to do now to date the green haired gal.

“David Cook hair loss secrets” – Looks like some dumbass thinks you’re trying to lose your hair on purpose instead of naturally.

“David Cook sociopath” – Are you a sociopath? You don’t seem like it. In fact, I got a kick out of you and the kids on that house building show. You painting picture frames with sick kids is very anti sociopathic I think.  Now certain of your biggest fans, *cough, coughmaryannellishollysockpuppetscough, cough* is a different story.

“Big Cook Porn” – I’m guessing someone wants a certain lardy chef’s manicotti up their chitterlings. Didn’t even know there were chubber chaser porn for the gourmand.

“Horny Old Lady Porn” – I’m pretty sure that’s what paperback romance novels are and what keeps Lifetime Network For Women on the air.

So Not Rock & Roll

October 25, 2009

So this week you participated in two very different very not so rock & roll type projects, ABC’s “Home Makeover” and the unnamed Carrie Underwood Christmas special. So “Home Makeover is a worthy project, but not so much rock & roll because it’s so middle America, which can be already sometimes. You’re pretty ‘middle American’

But a network Christmas special?? That’s so not done by real rockers. Pop flavor of the week, sure. You will never see Keith Richards on the telly set wearing a Santa Hat and singing of peace on earth. Does Metallica appear in ‘The Christmas Carol’ in Edwardian clothing? Nope, not done usually, with a few very awkward exceptions as seen below.

Now that has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking televised sing alongs I’ve seen. For all the cheery banter before hand Der Bingle looks somewhat horrified, like he just witness Bowie bang his dog on the front lawn before trying to snort the mistletoe. It’s not very rock & roll even it’s hella awkward. The thin white duke momentarily sold out.  I’m sure he didn’t think it up, his management did in a fit of madness.

Just like someone on your management team thinks it would be good for you to do something similar.

I think you’re coming to a fork in the road soon where you will have to decide if you want to earn credibility as a rocker or be the typical post-Idol idol and be Mr Pop pandering to middle America and the frauen. Only you hold the power to decide which.

BTW, for this Christmas get help for Neil. I heard some disturbing rumors about him and the frau and his drinking. He really needs help.

Attention Stalkers: Start Your Engines

October 22, 2009

Dear David,

I think it’s a good idea for you to give back and do something charitable, like I was reading about in this mornings news. It’s admirable you’re going to help construct a home for a little girl suffering from a rare disease. To be doing that in your down time from touring is even better. But I hope you have security, better security than you had for your tour. Tell ABC that there must be big burly bodyguards and cops to cover the perimeter or you’re going to have one of the crazes trying to caress your hammer or lick your sweat or something equally repulsive. Did you know that there’s a thread on Live Journal where some idiot is talking about saving her virginity for you to take, losing it in a random encounter with an Idol winner instead of with someone she has actual real feelings for and a future with.

And now I have to address someone that lurks here…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear L Anne Carrington,

I see you googling yourself and booging on in to see if I’m talking smack about you like Idletard did. You do it day after day after day and I’m not even sure what you’re looking for. This blog is addressed to David “Baldy” Cook, not L Anne (Dennick) Carrington.  I’m not going to list your crimes here, I’m not going to waste server space recounting your truly awful fiction, your obsessions with wrestlers, fake weight loss, fake fiances, fake modeling, fake acting career, fake publicity career, and I’m sure I missed some other bits of your faking besides your long list of aliases but I do not care. Go drool over your wrestlers or write some more revolting sex scenes.

What I do care about is that you’ve been twittering that you’re going to participate in this year’s Nanowrimo by doling out bits of your almost unreadable novel “The Cruiserweight” You do realize that Nano requires you to write daily till you have the word count of fifty thousand words? You CANNOT copy and paste over bits of a previous word and pretend to have written during Nano as that is cheating. I know you are well capable of doing just that since you seem to have no moral qualms or squeamishness about lying or cheating as evidenced by the tons of things posted at Idletard and over at the Pink board.

How does this concern me? I’ve participated in Nano for years. I don’t cheat. I pound out the necessary words. Some years I finish, some years I don’t. I am participating again this year and I will be watching. If you attempt to pretend that you are writing that horrid book during Nano and uploading bits of it or of any of the writings you have lifted off others I will be on you like a famished piranha on a rancid corndog floating down the river Styx. If you participate and cheat I will make it my personal mission to see you disqualified.

If you’re sincere and are going to play by the rules then welcome.  No plagiarism!  But I have my doubts after your twitters.