Posted tagged ‘Idletard’

Chapter 5 Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets Chronicle

May 21, 2011

I was going to start with her nastiness towards Kimberley Caldwell and hatred of David “Non-Baldy” Cook tattoos but I’ve forgotten the fun TI, myself and others had with her almost 2 years ago.

Today’s version of “Hot Sockpuppet On Sockpuppet Action” we have the time Mary Ann/Holly started trying to befriend Top Idol’s Melinda. It degenerates rather quickly after Melinda outs Miss Sockpuppet for what she did to David’s friend Lana Jade of the Northern Virginia area.

“MaryAnn / Holly pestered me to link to her “awesome free speech forum” on my blog. And then I joined (mainly b/c I wanted to see what shit they were posting). At the same time, I wrote a post about David Cook being at some bar in VA from some college kid’s column in his uni online pub/newspaper. And then someone had the photo on Twitter, I think…I can’t recall the details, but I ended up posting it with this kid’s article.

Maryann/Holly dug up everything on this poor girl named Lana, who came to my blog basically wondering what the fuck was going on. She’s a sweet blond kid from DC, does some modeling (Suicide Girls-ish stuff), had a MTV show pilot with her friend who was on the Paris Hilton show. They had a “following” of sorts in 2006 b/c they had these videos on YouTube and MySpace, and then the girl dated the lead singer of Panic at the Disco…I guess she was a “scene queen” (had no idea about this term until this crap).

There are threads and threads over at that DCU board ripping this poor girl to shreds. Calling her a whore, a skank, the worst things you could ever think of. How Cook’s career would be ruined by dating these SLUTS and how he needed a “nice” girl like Carrie Underwood or Sarah Rohmer (the girl from the “Come Back to Me” video, Holly/Maryann is OBSESSED with this girl).

I tried to get them to stop. They buttered me up quite a bit by declaring my blog awesome, blah blah blah, but something was not quite right and I posted some things to try and figure out what they were all about. I defended Lana and got my ass chewed out (not by Holly, of course, but by some other lunatic who I actually am 99% positive was not her…her writing style gives ALL her personalities away). I decided these people were nuts.

Maybe a month or two later, Holly/Maryann got a hold of some photos of Lana and Cook and posted them and all “hell” broke loose because she sent them to JustJared (see above) and MJ, the latter of which only posted b/c you always need shit to post in the off-season of an Idol blog after it popped up JJ.

On the board, Holly/MA claimed the photos were sent to her, of course, and that US Weekly was offering money.

One time I PM-ed AdExec about something (I was hardly on this site ever, and was trying to find out about some other whack job at this point) but HOLLY, of course, was the one who EMAILED me back. One time she also left some comment on my blog telling her to PM her at the DCU board, leaving the link, of course. She posts that shit over ANY Cook post or Idol blog, you know, because she is in Advertising.

She also claimed she lived in NYC, even though I called her out once on her IP being from PA. Holly & AdExec were attractive girls around my age, according to their photos. One blonde, the other brunette (AdExec…who the hell makes that their screenname on ANYTHING?). Obviously photos taken from someone’s FB or something to further the guise of being “young, beautiful intelligent and CLASSY”.

I hope some of that made sense. I was trying to sum it up as best as I could but I probably didn’t do a very good job. The emails I received…ha…she tried kissing my ass a couple months back and I never wrote her back. Then I get some email 2 weeks ago calling me Joanne and telling me to stop bashing her name everywhere and that I shouldn’t believe everything I read about people on the internet.

I had forgotten the twat existed until then.

I have no doubt this woman is unhinged, however, what she put this poor girl through, it thoroughly disgusts me. I can’t believe I missed this thread before, because all of the shit about Zang is nearly VERBATIM. I also do believe she hacked her PB account and had something to do with the DDOS attacks on MJs and IT.

Oh, she also banned me from her “awesome free speech board”. I’m heartbroken. I think I will go home and cry into the 100 pages of PDFs I have from their “Girlfriends, Friends & Acquaintances” thread. But maybe I should thank Holly/MA. Because of her, I made a new friend and Lana is an absolute sweetheart..”

There has been talk since that time that Mary Ann/Holly sold the photos and info to Just Jared. Apparently a Sockpuppet’s gotta eat something more than Co-coa Puffs. “

Top Idol again with the dangers that MaryAnn/Holly has brought upon Lana Jade. Lana’s only crime being that she hung out some with David Cook

The way she went after Lana still infuriates me. Lana has a boyfriend now, but it doesn’t matter. Holly was still posting photos of her on that DCU board a few weeks ago, claiming she was at some show, blah blah blah. Calling her a whore. There was even one poster who claimed to have gone to the club where Lana was at one night (Holly posted the flier, of course) just to see her and ask all the bartenders and doormen about what a whore she was. I was trolling there and saw that and it was the last straw. “

Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets tries to email Top Idol and be all friendsy-wiendsy..

“Hey you, how have you been?

Listen, I was sent a PM that this idletard mod named smartie was writing stuff about my board and me. Can you tell me what is going on because I am not a member there, and I don’t wish to be. I have a feeling someone on that board may have logged into that Lana Jade’s photobucket and sent me the photos and is trying to “frame” me and my board.

I still think some of these fans are so overboard. What the hell is the fuss over those LJ pics? Sure the photos shows he has bad taste in girls, and the word “scene queen” didn’t sit well with his so called image, that is his fault, but it’s not like a naked picture of him surfaced on the internet. Sheesh, I don’t know how you handle some of these losers.

Take Care, “

A response from Top Idol with a Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets email in it.

“This is especially funny, considering she would email me with the same address every time. (Although I think one of her other personalities was in contact with me…hmmm…I need to check into this now.)

This is the last email I received from her…completely random, as I said, I forgot about the twat’s existence.

From August 6th:

Hi Joanne

I would appreciate it if you would stop spreading my personal email around.

I am not Holly.

Anyone can send you an email, create a facebook or a myspace and say they are someone else to get information. Do you see how easy it is?

Don’t believe everything you see and read.

So she’s not Holly, huh? Oh, yeah. Holly must be her ASSISTANT who uses her email when she’s not on her computer, right? So it was your assistant who emailed me in April and signed their name?

you are not one of those bunny people? I have to be honest their behavior does make me a little nervous. I feel a bit embarrassed for Cook. I think he wants a normal fanbase full of hot chicks. Can’t really blame him.

I know what you are saying about deleted posts. That is why fans are hopping on my board because they can voice their opinions. The dot. org boards and official boards are sometimes so boring because they censor a lot of the post and won’t let you talk about his personal life or his girlfriends.. I try to keep my board updated daily. There are 3 mods on there and they do a good job feeding me posts….it’s tough sometimes because I work full time in advertising and actually have a life.

I started the board as a place for fans to vent and it is growing little by little.

Glad to have you on board, and I will be sure to read your blog.

Hol “

I love this super classy bit Mary Ann/Holly posted:

“am just saying the truth and that you are all sluts “

Top Idol has written more than once about the crazy that is David Cook Uncensored

The Crazy Woman Who Stalks David Cook

Around that same time she faked having possible lung cancer..

Here is Mary Ann/Holly reacting to Top Idol’s post by attacking Idletard, who had nothing to do with any of this. Also Mary Ann/Holly had been on her usual banning binge she does when one of us posts something truthful & unflattering about her.

“Glad to see LL gone and withoutyou here. They are nothing but trouble makers especially with the last remark about the idletard board. They are so jealous of this board they can’t stand it. They photo shop crap, they make up stuff because they are trying to get people to leave here and go over there. It is clear as day. No I dont post much but I do observe what is being said and some of the people truly need to get a life. Not all of us are on the boards from morning until night like they are. Now she is trying to blame Holly for being other people and the poor girl is on a business trip. Get real. unbelievable some of the things people accuse people of. One of them is probably smartie. And I guarantee you they both deleted their accounts here and signed up under different names. Such bullshit. I love this board. It is different from most boards. Like that smartie person is any better. I have been on her board one time, and I never went back because she is just evil. “

and you should have seen how she talked to the members during this time. This is what Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets posted on DCU to one of her closer friends.

“I hope that you are not bashing Holly on THAT other board. It looks like someone is facing a lawsuit soon from what I have been reading.”

Rolls eyes, another dumb-assed reference to law soots yet nothing has been filed to this day.

More interesting postings at Top Idol involving Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets

Montecore No!

David Cook’s #1 Fan

At the bottom of the second blog, TopIdol posted this screen cap from her Administrator view:…ppets/#comment-13040

It shows that Holly has been there posting under several accounts, on one she says THIS IS HOLLY. You can see that all the IP addresses are the same. The IP address traces back to Morrisville, Pennsylvania. This is where MaryAnn/Holly Sockpuppet is, and is the same IP she used under her real name on fan sites. It is not a NY IP where Holly claims to be.

Someone over on DCU busts her on the fact that she was caught out by Top Idol in the screen cap with the different names and same IP

“It’s a screen cap TopIdol took of her administrator information. You can clearly see that YOU have logging in as different users, on one you say THIS IS HOLLY, and the other you claim to be someone else and go on defending yourself. You can see that the IP addresses are the same (listed under the user names). The IP address traces back to Morrisville, PA. This is where MaryAnn is, and is the same IP she used under her real name on fan sites. So, Holly:

– Why aren’t you in NY?
– Why do you have the same IP as MaryAnn?
– Better yet, why have you lied to all of us?”

Big copy of screen cap. Note that the IP addies are all indentical!

Mary Ann/Holly’s reply to the doubters on Top Idol.

“Cooks_FUFL –

ok, now, I am going to use a FakeAngie account. See boys and girls how easy it is.
But I am going to type under the same ip address so top idol can trace my ip. See I don’t play your games.

Being a DCU member. Elizabeth is actually liked by that website and no one has talked in detail about her divorce. The mods over there have been scarce this week so maybe they didn’t catch the discussion.

Called a furniture store? hmmmm, let’s see what I read over there was that the girl in the store twittered that David was in a furniture store with lots of detail. She made it public. Holly didn’t do that, the girl in the furniture store did. Maybe Holly was joking, they do that often over there. And why are you people stalking this maryann person? Do you think what you guys are doing here is right? All fans do stupid and funny things, who cares.

Why don’t you get back to discussing the tards who follow David to 20 shows. Now that is stalking.

And no Maryann or Holly have twitter accounts or other websites. Again, their personal information is no where public. Elizabeth did have a public twitter and myspace. Her photos came from a public site. Her personal information was never posted there, not even her last name. Big difference. Again, you are looking at defamation of character of a private person. It’s funny because Holly is not Maryann, so she won’t be bringing a lawsuit, it will come from the other girl because she is the one you are defaming for no good reason.

You are crossing a line and taking things out of context from what I have been reading here. Why so much anger? Don’t get it?

Even if I were holly, Adex, bernyj, a DCU member, a friend, sister, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you are harassing someone you don’t know who is a private person and calling them crazy when they are not. Let me give you another hint. Do you know that meetthefamous knows someone on DCU and works for the same company as a mod over there?

ok, now look, I am going to make up a name now.

Here it goes…fakeangie.”

“Stalking is exactly what this board is doing to a private person and none of these post were made by Holly or Maryann. These are from other posters. Searching through the internet is not stalking. Posting personal information about someone and accusing them of stalking and then publishing a photo and a resume is libel along with their last name and hometown. These are not published post by these women. You have no proof of that.

Roy Horn of Sigfried – what the hell are you talking about? You people are out of your minds. See there you go again accusing an innocent person.

David is a PUBLIC FIGURE. So are the girls he hangs with. They have pics all over model mayhem. Holly and Maryann and bernyj do not. They have private accounts and never promoted themselves anywhere which is why you are leading yourself into a courtroom.

Again, these two women never harassed anyone. They are flat out lies.

I can not wait until a lawsuit comes your way because you do not know the law well at all. And smartie, you are not smart at all. You are so jealous of these women it is killing you. She is not interested in any artist. She never stalked or harassed anyone and from what I read this maryann person or whoever it was, asked your employer to have you stop harassing her. What reason would she call other than that? She is NOT an obsessed fan like all of you.

[b]I am finished with this board. I can tell you now if the photo is not removed you are looking at liability. I am not joking. This is very serious “

Still no lawsoots. Hey dummy, by that definition I could sue you for harassment for posting my information and photos.

Top Idol’s final posting on Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppet debacle

We have been lied to.

Please pass this on.

At least all of this forced Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets to redo the rules for DCU at least for a few days. New rules.

“No one is required to post here on a day to day basis.

There is a reason why I am requiring lurkers to post once or twice within 10 days. Your ip address and privacy will be maintained securely on this board. This board is not like any other board that violates members personal information. We do not do that here. If you do not make a post even if it is an introduction of some sorts, within 10 days, your account will be deleted and you won’t be able to get back on until after the New Year. I have already banned one person for causing problems by spamming members to go to another board.

I am not accepting any new members until after New Years.

Please read the link in announcements.

Keep in mind, that other boards, one recently that some members here are aware, are using scare tactics and harassment of a woman not associated with me, to direct people to their board to read their garbage. And it is garbage. They are angry because their members have lost interest in some of their boards and are signing in over here. It’s competition to them, it is not to us. Everything I write is copied by them, twisted and placed on their board and taken out of context. As you can see we have never posted any personal information of any kind on this board about anyone. Discussing your likes and dislikes is nothing unusual on messageboards. Do you want to belong to a blog that post people’s ip addresses on a board, name their employer, last name, create post that are unrelated. Well that is what is happening to a few woman they are attacking. The PM’s I have received about these three people over there, two of which run their own board would make you truly disgusted. But I am not giving them any satisfaction because that is what they want. They want attention. They want you to believe I am crazy and they are normal and this other woman is crazy and her so called sister. I hear she has a husband so they better be careful over there. If you deny them the attention then 1) they will produce damaging nonsense that will only hurt themselves or they will go away. The information that I have received is that a lawsuit is being pursued against them. No not from me, but to slander and defame a person’s reputation that they do not know is really going to far. That is not what we do here and it is not our goal.

And everyone of the girls we have discussed here are 1). public, 2). want to be famous by going public by creating stupid You Tube Videos like Shannon and Lana Jade did, or spill her sob story to STAR like Kimberly Johnston did or pose publicly for Model Mayhem. You see the women on this board are very smart. Smart enough to know that these women are attention getters. There is a thread filled with women we feel are higher calibers. What is wrong with that, wanting the best for David? We are not here to slander anyone but we talk about the things these women have already created for themselves. Everyone of these women I am sure can be nice, but as long as personal information is not released, there is nothing wrong with discussing some of them. And everyone knows there is one Tulsa friend, I have gone out of my way to protect.

So there you have it. Part of the reason why I have to do this. No it may not solve everything because it is difficult to prevent people causing trouble. In addition, due to my lack of being here and not having much time to manage the board, I am trying to create more privacy and control over who becomes a member on this board. It will be somewhat of an exclusive membership. This way sensitive information can remain contained amongst ourselves.

The person who runs that site, on the other board has been banned. Most of the people on that other board have been banned from here.

My advice is to ignore the false information spreading over there because there is much documentation to prove them wrong. Their goal is bring this board down. With strong minded members they will fail. They need to just go about their business and leave people do what they want on their own boards. “

Again with the freaking Law Soots and no paperwork or de nada has shown up in the nearly 2 years since all this went down.

I’m not exposing all of this to ‘harass’ anyone but merely to warn and inform. A great deal of innocent people have been taken in and harmed by this unbalanced woman. Don’t become the next victim.

More Google Searches – Lost Count Now..

April 14, 2010

Dear David,

I’ve not been paying much attention to the Google searches leading here until today. Most of them are porn involves like “My Little Porny” or “David Cook Andy Skib Neal Tiemann Slash” Porn’s not my thing. I find it rather boring, same old in and out, even though I know lots of folks adore it.  Nothing wrong it.

But to have your fans openly Googling for sexual based fan fic for you and your band is pretty far over the line of appropriateness.  Real person fiction is creepy as hell.

The porn searches of the horny and desperate not related to you really make me laugh..

Sub male in blonde torture cook porno video – Not a clue. This must be some sort of hentai action I’ve not heard of involving cooks and chefs. It keeps popping up here again and again. Someone please elucidate in the comments.

Insane Cook Porn – Again, What. The. Hell?

Young men & boys love big cock – Hey, who doesn’t? I know Adam Lambert prolly does. But I bet you don’t.

Baldy marry – Someone is curious to know when you’ll be tying the knot.  I’m betting they think they’d fill that bridal slot perfectly. I can see some frautard complying a dream wedding scrapbook with all the crap she fantasizes about you. Run!! Take my advice, don’t do it till you’re 30.

Who is CooCoo – Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. That describes perfectly some of the frau herd.

Idletard point & laugh – Sic transit gloria mundi  or so passes worldly glory. Idletard may have bitten the dust, but the laughing and pointing at the tards it embraced lives on forever.

Insane Cook brothers – I don’t know, you and your bro Andrew seem rather sane to me most of the time. However, being stalked by those fat old ladies is enough to drive anyone around the bend. Your poor brother is probably traumatized for all time and eternity because your frau hit on him with pictures of you as them. I don’t think he’s a fan of  ‘The closer the kin, the deeper it goes in.’

Kerry Kolsch frau tard – Someone was looking for the most insane of all the Adam Lambert fraus. The one that insists that it’s a conspiracy involving 19E, Chick Fil La, AT&T, the state of Arkansas, devout Southern Christians and a laundry list of others that was to blame for Adam failing to win Idol. Wonder what she’s blaming Adam’s massive post Idol blunders on?

and lastly,

Big John Bret Michaels – Poor old Bert,, er, Bret Michaels is having a time of it right now. He had appendicitis in Texas and had to have it removed. This is on top of his weekly televised humiliation at the hands of  Donald Trump and his team mates on Celebrity Apprentice. Looks like 2010 is not shaping up to be one of his best years. Last week Bret was crying onscreen. I didn’t know he had it him in to weep like that. After years of making fun of him on all those shitfest “Rock of Love” programs he actually comes away very differently on Apprentice.

But I still needs me some Big John.

You need a Big John too to keep the freaks away at your gigs.

Google Questions #17

February 19, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Didja have fun singing backing vocals and playing guitar for Andy last night? Guess you weren’t as attention whoring as I thought. Was it nice to see the same old crazy fat faces in your immediate line of vision out there? I’m guessing that’s probably a no.

Be grateful they aren’t doing the dick handling – nut tugging Adam Lambert fans have done to him. He looked so out of his mind on Peruvian Marching Powder that he didn’t seem to notice at first that the hands groping him were either  female, bony and age spotted or ham fisted plump feminine mitts. I understand all about enjoying recreational substances while performing but I think Madam took it a little too far that night.  I guess at least it wasn’t tranny pee.

Okay, so it’s time to look at the weirder Google searches that have landed folks here recently. It’s quite the bizarre list. I’m not even sure I’m going to comment on any of them..

Romance David Cook – So what does it take, Baldy? A bottle of Ripple and the underwear section of the Sears & Roebuck catalog? Candy and flowers?  Midgets bearing filled enema bags? Your public is apparently dying to know.

Tard Strong Bracelet – That’s the only type of jewelry I do not possess and wish I did. Idletard’s Smartie gave those out as rewards for bringing great frau sightings and the like.  I would put it right next to my “Prosecute Bush/Cheney For War Crimes” bracelet.

Insane Wig – Insane as in William Shatner wig insane or as in Phylis Diller insane or Bozo?

Free Porn Sex Whorse – There are whore horses?

Porny Bitches – ????

My Little Porny – Beginners porn.

Insane Cook Brothers – Seem pretty normal from here.

David Cook meet & greet Morongo 2010 – Le sigh.

Love is a blond hore with mental diesese – Hore is a town in the Tikare Department of Bam Province in northern Burkina Faso. So someone thinks that a blond from Hore that’s crazy is the meaning of love.

Free Tranny Gondas Mouvie – I know what ‘Free’ and ‘Tranny’ are but Gondas could either be a town in Ethiopia or a sub shop in Pennsylvania.

Baldy Holly used what guitars? – Did someone combine your DNA and Buddy Holly’s and make some sort of Frankentarist?

David Cook Agnostic – I wouldn’t believe in God either if I was being chased by those heifers.

A Sock Puppet, A Sock Puppet, My Kingdom For A Sock Puppet!

January 23, 2010

I understand Baldy that the Mary Ann/Holly Sock Puppets have been in overdrive over at David Cook Uncensored. Spinning, whirling, flip-flopping trying to figure out who sussed out her split personalities. She’s been issuing threats. Threats about taking down the board because she is no longer that interested in you. Particularly if your next offering flops. Well, fickle is the heart of a certain female.

Even funnier are her threats of  the legal variety. The sock puppets have all been yammering on about law soots Mary Ann/Holly/Puppeteering Is Us have supposedly filed against Idoltard, Top Idol and others. Funnily enough none of us have received letters or summons to court yet. Could it be an idol, errr, idle threat? I understand that KC from the Pink Board has been waiting 4 years for her summons. I guess the wheels of justice grind slowly but exceedingly fine.

Baldy, if I could tell Mary Ann/Holly/Multiplying Sock Puppets O’ Splendor one thing it would be this: give it up. Get hobbies, like knitting or reading to the blind, harmless doings.  But step away from the computer please.  Close DCU and take a sledgehammer to your computer because it’s not healthy to be doing all this nonsense and drama. Stop inventing fake girlfriends for David. Stop popping up under a zillion names. Stop playing with other people before you end up in the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.

Cookoo, Fran & Ollie

You notice Mary Ann isn’t getting crunked up to blow the dog in this rendering.

I think what we need to do next is put together a comprehensive chart of all the upcoming Idol guys and start betting on who Mary Ann/Holly tards over this coming season. David, you’ll be off her radar once she does her two year Idol rotation…

Restraining Order Time!

November 13, 2009

Dear David,

Today I wish to expand on something I said yesterday in Google Questions #5 – Mary Ann/Holly and all her sock puppets at David Cook Uncensored.

She. Is. Dangerous. Don’t believe me go read the public service announcement at Top Idol. This is not to drive hits here or to be provocative in a deliciously Idletard way. It’s a warning because sometimes I worry about certain people and their real life potential to harm others. This is one of those people.

What makes her dangerous is not the sockpuppets that are all her chiming in, or her board moderation, or her tarding over you. Two things make her stand out as dangerous and demented with a dash of disgusting. No, not that she’s tried to get people in the Constantine fandom fired or that she’s lied about so much of her life.

1 – She’s the one that probably contacted Page Six and Star Magazine with the fake story of you breaking up with Kimberly Johnson via text message. She’s apparently leaked fake salacious details to the tabloids of your supposed romances every time it gets slow on her board and in fandom in general. She has driven the negative press. She has taken the photos and details from these womens websites to leak to gossip sites and the press.

2 – The other disgusting thing is the last time she was busted for doing something underhanded on the interwebs she suddenly claimed to have cancer. She plays the Big C card when cornered with the truth. Reprehensible in all new ways considering you lost your brother Adam to cancer and have done much to raise funds for cancer research and treatment. Many of us have loved ones that have suffered this terrible disease and this silly idiot is falsely claiming to have cancer. She needs to be cautious doing this because, like the boy that cried wolf she might actually find that karma has bestowed upon her the very thing she’s faked and everyone will laugh.


ETA: Apparently this morning  Mary Ann/Holly outed some new chick she is claming you are dating from the Model Mayhem site. She’s stealing the photographs, posting scads of angry screeds about this and preparing to out you to the media yet again, Baldy. She’s trying to deflect attention off the fact that’s she’s the reason there are ever any tabloid stories about you in the first place. Lying liar she is!

Google Questions #5

November 12, 2009

Dear Baldy,

Usually there’s an imaginative  search parameter or two daily among your fans two-stepping into here from Google but lately it’s been repeats involving tattoos, jews, and L Anne Carrington searching for herself. Yawn.

Two of the most repeated searches from yesterday make me laugh for totally different reasons. Both involve obsessional women.

“smartie “l’anne carrington” ebook” – L Anne, L Anne, L Anne. She’s quaking in her boots trying to find out if Idletard’s Smartie actually is compiling an Ebook of her adventures.  I feel the rumblings up over the Alleghenies and the Blue Ridge right now and smell her arid sweat. Never fear, Smartie is doing just that and David I’d recommend you get a copy as soon as it comes out. You’ve stated you like to read and it’s going to be a fascinating study into mental illness, plagiarism and crime.  I promise you’ll laugh, cry, throw up and gasp before coming back for another plate of crazy.

Personally I think they should build L Anne her own special wing at the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. She can keep company with the spooks and haints and leave the rest of us alone. It’s just south of her home in the burbs of Pittsburgh.

“David Cook Uncensored” – I’ve never visited this site run by Mary Ann/Holly containing various sockpuppets of Holly pretending to be other people yet only cheering Holly on and I don’t plan on it. I don’t even have the addy but I do understand that there’s one heck of a battle going on right now over that mysterious tattoo of yours. Apparently you getting a tattoo is turning off Mary Ann/Holly to the point where she’s almost ready to toss you on the Idol scrapheap of former lust objects along with Clay Aiken and Constantine.  Fickle fans. Mary Ann – Holly needs to join L Anne at the TALA.

The question that most springs to mind on these two is why Pennsylvania? Why the high percentage of completely wacko obsessed fans in the Keystone state? Is it something in the water?  I know my most insane clients at work come out of the Philly area and seem like they could be characters on “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. Something must be seriously wrong with that part of the world

Open Letter To Baldy

October 30, 2009

Tonight I’m posting a brilliant open letter by The Birdman. Listen up Baldy, he’s speaking wisdom that could impact the rest of your career. Thanks, The Birdman!


Hi Baldy.

You probably don’t remember me. I was at your Seattle show in August – short, skinny, tattooed dark guy in a wifebeater come to mind? Probably not, cause I was right up the back and left early to go get a beer.

I’m also a regular member of the former Idletard and now hang on various AI tard-bashing sites including this one. I know you know of us – one of our members gave you one of our famous Tard Strong bracelets (a high honour, but what did you do with it?) and you ran into the esteemed admin of this site in Virginia. Many Idletard members believe that you used to read the site pretty regularly and that you check out this site as well, although for obvious reasons (fat chick stampede) you don’t admit it.

There’s a reason I’m taking time out of my day to write you this. I like you. I think you’re a funny guy, you have decent taste in music and I can respect anyone with the balls to tackle an Our Lady Peace song on American Idol (although why did you sing the second verse? The first verse of Innocent = 10 times better). But when I went to your show, I was met by what we Idletard-ites (hey, you’re the Word Nerd. Tell me how to do it right, won’t ya.) call the frau. And not just one or two. Several. Several fat, sweaty frau pushing, shoving and bitching their way to the front while stinking up the place and making me (and the hot blonde near me) nauseous. And the show hasn’t even started.

At the time, I was not a regular Idletard member and was merely travelling through America as a way of getting over a break-up. However, when I heard I was in Seattle at the same time you were I remembered the tales of crazed fans I had heard and decided to check it out for myself. I had long assumed all the tales were at least partly exaggerated.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I have been going to hardcore punk and metal gigs since I was in my mid teens and old enough to carry a fake ID and look it. I’m no stranger to gig violence at all. I have been punched in the face, kicked in the shins and the only reason I’m still fertile is because I started wearing a box to protect my nuts. And I have been known to dish it out as well.

But what I saw at your show was completely different. I normally like to stand at the front, however when I tried to get there the frau all glared at me and told me to get to the back because “I’m not a real fan.” And I wasn’t the only one. Through the night I watched these bitches harassing everyone who dared to come closer to the stage even from my place at the back of the floor, especially younger women. And their behaviour while you were playing was fucking appalling. You and I both know what is appropriate concert behaviour, particularly in a larger venue. Screaming when you tried to speak, yelling into the monitors and continuing to harass everyone else is not appropriate behaviour anywhere. The worst part was that if I or anyone else said anything back to them, we were fucked. Even if they actually wouldn’t have assaulted me, I wasn’t willing to take the chance especially as almost all of them were twice as wide as me.

You have probably read Smartie and Teevho’s entreaties to grow some balls and tell the frau to fuck off. I’m not going to give you that line. I’m a working muso myself. I know how important it is to have someone fund your lifestyle, even if they are psychotic bitches. And I’ve seen your retorts – the myspace blog, the video etc which are about as much as you can do on the road short of kicking their heads in, which = jail time.

There is, however, one thing you can do.

You’ve mentioned you plan to return to the studio early next year. Great. But here comes the advice.

Give the frau a fuck you through the music.

You’ve mentioned your love of Nine Inch Nails in the past. Get Trent Reznor as a collaborator and producer. Get Chris Cornell back, but don’t accept any half-arsed Carry On/Scream leftovers from him – this is the guy who wrote Jesus Christ Pose, get some of that brutal magic. Collaborate with Jerry Cantrell and have him bust out some classic Alice riffs for you. Don’t let Brian Howes within a hundred miles of the studio. Hell, go to any alternative/indie club night and offer the best bands’ songwriters as much of 19E’s cash as you can to help you write a few tracks. Or go in a totally different direction. Whatever pleases you. But for the love of God, mate, don’t record another album of post-grunge dirges that any real music fan (frau being TV rather than music fans) can hear in a bar every Saturday night. Do something crazy already to show to everyone who matters (i.e. everyone other than a few crazed fat chicks who will leave you next time some other Idol contestant makes their vaginas explode) that David Cook is a legitimate artist, not a TV karaoke performer.

Already you have a pretty big credibility problem as I’m sure you’re aware. The AI powers that be pimped you hard because they thought you could be Daughtry 2.0., but even they’re not stupid enough to realise that it didn’t really work for you the first time. They’ll probably give you another chance, but if this next album is more of the same and doesn’t sell to anyone other than frau, it’s back to playing bars in Kansas City for you. Only now you’re gonna wind up like Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol who follow him everywhere. If you read some of the Idletard Soul Patrol stories, you’ll know what I’m on about. And stuff like a Christmas special won’t help you regain credibility, or a place in Carrie Underwood’s pants.

However, if you show some balls and aren’t afraid to do something a little more hardcore, you might actually have a shot at gaining some credibility with rock fans, who are mostly smart enough to realise a fuck you when they see one and will respect you for having the balls to do so. And who will, yes, buy your stuff.

Get one thing straight first. You are not going to be Nickelback or Creed. Packed out arenas are not in your future unless you’re working the snack bar. Daughtry got lucky because he was able to mostly do his own thing after Idol and that thing happened to be popular. Your nuts belonged to 19E. You couldn’t do that. But now’s your chance, cause with all the focus on Adam Lambert they’ve probably forgotten you anyway.

If you don’t take my advice, enjoy your life as it is now, cause it’s only gonna get worse. Maybe you can marry Svagjina. She’s gonna be a lawler, you know. And I’m sure you can wash the taste of Neal out.


The Birdman.

P.S. Speaking of Neal, he hasn’t paid his dues to the Fugly Unwashed Guys Who Play Guitar To Get Laid Union yet. Can you remind him to pay? Paypal account You’re free to join as well – we need a treasurer.