Posted tagged ‘Kris Allen’

Adam Lambert’s “Ass-Passing” err.. “Trespassing”

May 23, 2012

So I’ve only listened to a few songs off his new release and was neither impressed or disgusted. It sounds about like I expected something coming from Adam Lambert might sound. It’s just not my cup of tea, but neither is Cook’s music or much of anyone elses from Idol. The only two Idol contestants that I’ve broken down and bought the entire CDs of are Chris Sligh and Crystal Bowersox. Long live Mamasox!

Did download two songs from Lambert’s last CD to use on my gym mix with Pink, Shakira and Britney.

It does amuse me that the Sparkle Cows are attacking anyone that’s even slightly lukewarm on the CD or who damns it with faintest of praises much less negative reviews. Most of the reviews seem really mixed even if numbers are high right now. But we all know those numbers are only insanely high this week because the Sparkle Cows are each maxing out their credit cards buying copy after copy after copy like all good fantard groups do.

And all this nonsense about Adam being the first openly gay celeb to have a hit record. Oh, please, everyone knew Freddie Mercury wasn’t straight nor was K.D. Lang or Elton John. Sounds like something marketing dreamed up to be pushed by the Sparkle Cows.

Since I haven’t heard the entire CD yet I’m in no position to sound off on it. I did hear “Cuckoo” and didn’t much like it. Too contrived. But someone did sent me their own review after listening this week and I’m posting it here.

I wrote this whilst listening to Ass Passing. It did, however, make me fart. So there’s that.

His overall tone really annoys me, it’s so nasally and shrill but at the same time sounds like so many other singers, well a poor clone of them. There’s nothing distinctive about his voice. Or the material.

Trespassing – basic beat, repetitive, emotionless, autotune

Cuckoo – this sounds (melody wise) so done to death, like the first album it’s a clone of things past. That chorus

Shady – Ditto to Cuckoo, done to death. Ah this is the Sam Sparro song, a reject of his I think. Truly bland.

Never Close Our Eyes – I’m bored by the opening….oh and there we go with the beat that seems done by a cheap drumbeat. Number six on the programming I suspect. Nothing new, another clone of other crappy songs. I’m sure I heard its grandad at aerobics class in the eighties.

Kickin In – Pseudo house start goes to a dead dull beat. Well that was a big build up to boring. The chorus is reminiscent of trying to rip off Michael Jackson but failing. Somewhere around Thriller era.

Naked Love – Yodelling start emulates Gaga….are most of tbe beats/rhythm taken from a RuPaul album? Nah Ru puts a bit more effort into it. Layered vocals and lots of autotune and there’s the yelling…boring

Pop that lock – the title reminds me of his shitty Pop goes the Camera song pre Idol Ahahaha this song is stupid and wow I think I lost IQ points listening to the dumb lyrics.

Better than I know Myself – Awful start trying to pretend to be Kraftwerk then going straight into trite emo pop ballad mode. No wonder this bombed.

Broken English – SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING I couldn’t listen to more than the first 30 seconds of this

Underneath – Madam pretends to be touchy feely with a piano then puts on tight undies. A red river of screams? Is this an ode to TOM? I am bored listening to the screeching. Oh more screeching. And then some more. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chokehold – Another slow and boring song with Madam whining about some shit. Sheets? Tight undies? He has a thread he’s hanging by, people. Enthralling stuff. Repeat the same thing over and over….Repeat the same thing over and over….Repeat the same thing over and over….Repeat the same thing over and over….Repeat the same thing over and over….blah.

Outlaws of Love – Oooo more moody Madam. Say that fast three times. Look he’s pretending to be a gay activist now after years of being indifference to the fight. The gays will see through this crap. More shitty lyrics, they’re on a level of Jack and Jill. Now he’s whining, always on the run my god stop the clichés. Borrrringggzzzzzzzzz ack now he’s mooing, must be to make the herd rub their udders.

Runnin – Axel F theme? No it’s Madam trying to be macho and failing. No shrieking so far. Bleh more clone pop music. And now the shrieking and repeating one word over and over and over….lots of filler doing this. Ooo thumpity thump drums and more repeating something. I sense a theme here. Screaming again.

Take Back – Slow start with piano then some jump to another cheap beat. Autotune arama on this one. Thank fuck this one’s only about three minutes long. Screaming. Boredom. Now I am thinking about going to the bathroom to give me an excuse to walk away from this but I have one song left.

Nirvana – Finally at the end and it’s as meh as the other songs. Slow, crappy beat, stupid lyrics. All these songs are the same, just at different speeds. Oh more tight undies singing.

Overall – crappy clone pop music. Nothing new, nothing distinctive. And such a scattered mix of by the numbers pop music too, this could be sung by any puppet on the charts. So much autotune too. Bletch. Thank fuck the songs are short.

What trite lyrics, in general. Unmemorable stuff, I cannot even hum any of it a few minutes after hearing it.

Reading this was more entertaining

I doubt the Sparkle Cows like it much.

Will be watching to see what the sales figures do in week two. The kicker will be a month out, two months out to see what Lambert’s chances are in trying to beat the Idol Sophomore Curse of being drop kicked by the record company.  I’ll be listening to  Kris “Who” Allen’s new CD too. I suspect it will be equally crappy.

leasthelpful.com/post/21573719716/iv-tex…myself-elliterat-lol

Adam Lambert Sparkle Cow Says Queen Fans Are “Tards”

March 3, 2012

I got a comment on the other post positing that Queen fans are also ‘Tards’ from a Sparkle Cow. Here it is..

Whats the term you are using here a lot about David Cook “tards”: entitled fans or something like that? Seems to me there is suddenly many entitled Queen fans telling Brian May what to do with his band. A bit funny, that.

I had to answer them because they still don’t get it. But why am I surprised since they are stuck in a delusion they have been trying to rationalize away for three years now. It’s really about the music.

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No, there is a difference. Queen fantards do not do the crazy things that Idol fans seem to do. I’ve yet to hear of a flat Freddie or Brian May being toted around, birthday parties being set up with decorated cakes, trackers stuffed under buses, tattoos of band members or lyrics on someone’s feet or back. Granted there are always tards in most every fan pack, but I am just not seeing the same percentage or level of crazy that Idol fans bring.

Thinking the difference is that Idol contestants are on television for weeks on end, allowing those that aren’t real music fans to feel ‘connected’ to the Idol because of the tv exposure, hence the crazy overconnection i.e. pararelationalism that occurs. People who’s primary concern is the actual music would never act like that, just the ones that see something pretty and sparkly on tv and project all their desires upon, like the Sparkle Cows.

Basically most of the Idol contestants and some (many) of the winners are nothing more than televised karaoke singers. Daughtry isn’t. Bowersox isn’t. and there aren’t too many more than aren’t.. Nicki McKibbin has potential.

And it isn’t always their own fault. Guys like Cook hone their stagecraft by years of playing other peoples music in cover bands in bars throughout the country. Taylor did that. I can’t explain Clay Aiken, there is no explanation except to say the site is getting an unusual number of hits asking if he’s had plastic surgery, or did he do the female to male surgery pre Idol or is he doing the male to female surgery now. All very puzzling.

But it really does all go back to the music, which is what all you tards forget, falling in love with some guy you see on tv and listening to any stupid dreck he might record.

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In the comments below the Sparkle Cow someone pointed out that Queen is not Brian May’s personal band to do what he wants with. He was part of it, not the main part of it. Queen started out as four separate dudes with the same stake in the band.

Adam Lambert & Brian May Ain’t Queen

February 26, 2012

So it turns out that the news Adam Lambert had been babbling about being the lead singer for Queen this summer before suddenly retracting wasn’t entirely stupid rumor. I was very sad to hear this considering I have adored Queen since I first saw them in my teens. I saw them on the stage of the Uris Theater on Broadway, NYC in May of 1974. I’d hitchhiked to NYC with my best bud to see my all time favorite band, Mott The Hoople, but Queen opened for Mott and that was that for me. I divided my teen tarding between hunky Pete “Overend” Watts and Freddie Mercury with Freddie eventually overcoming my love of Overend.

I loved Queen. Queen with Freddie Mercury. Not any of these mish-mashed Queen with a variety of people wanting to fill Freddie’s old ballet slippers. Queen stopped being Queen with Freddie Mercury’s untimely passing. You cannot consider anything really post-Freddie as Queen, more like half Queen, half something else. A different creature all together. More like a cover band or a karaoke band.

Of the three remaining members I have to say the only one left I have any love or respect for is the bassist John Deacon. John wisely realized that Queen with another singer is not only not Queen but some vile travesty. He retired since there was no more Queen.

But Brian May couldn’t accept that he should move on, free of Queen and make his own music beyond those two failed solo albums he did. He couldn’t leave well enough alone. He’s spent his post-Queen time either whoring out the hits of the band as fodder for commercials, putting new lead singers in place, creating ‘musicals’, whining that the planet doesn’t go vegan entirely or stop smoking plus trying to rescue various animal groups. While there’s nothing wrong with animal rescue I want to know what the hell is wrong with the man. Is flying around the world to view eclipses, playing with his stereoscopic photos and badger rescue not occupying enough for a guy pushing 70? Is he out of money? What, what? Stroke? Senior dementia?

I have to blame dementia. Or attention whoring. I can’t decide which one is responsible. Have time to waste? Bore yourself with Brian’s whining and whinging at his own blog.

Now Madam thinks he is up to the task? Madam, lover of shrieking and constant overuse of melisma? Judge for yourself.

Madam & Kris “Who” Allen singing with Brian “Attention Whore” May and Roger “Damn I’m Desperate”
Meadows Taylor

Compare with the master, the real champion Freddie Mercury

Sorry, Sparkle Cows, Adam Lambert ain’t no champion. He didn’t win “American Idol” and he’s not the champion of Queen. He’s not fit to hold Freddie’s old jock strap

Taking a gander over at the official Queen fan site I see that most of the hard core Queen fans are no more pleased than I am at the appearance of Adam in the Freddie slot.

Some interesting posts from Queen Online that seem to echo the general consensus that Madam plus what’s left of Queen is a terribly bad idea.

All this talk of Adam Lambert & Queenextravaganza is really just a state of cognitive dissonance. We, Brian & Roger all want MORE Queen. We want more of that magic from the four members of the greatest Rock band of all time. What a thrill. The amount of entertainment and good times millions of people have felt because of that “Magic”. 15 albums, DVDs, live bootlegs. It’s still not enough. But that’s a good thing. “Always leave them wanting more” is the key in showbiz.

But here is the reality. As great as Brian May, Roger Taylor & John Deacon are Queen would NOT have achieved this measure of greatness without that fearless, lunatic Freddie Mercury. He’s the main one that made them the champions. Freddie Mercury, with all his human foibles and bad personal choices, was one of a kind. He lived his life the way we are all too chickensh** (or wise) to do ourselves. He did whatever he wanted, he tasted everything, he tested all waters, pushed all envelopes, crossed all lines. The greatest rock & roll singer of recorded history.

Queen does not exist anymore. No matter how many “Queen +” projects they regurgitate. The Queen name should only be associated with Freddie Mercury’s involvement. There’s vault material with Freddie- there is more magic possible from the true Queen- outtakes, live shows, video. But without Freddie there is no Queen.

It’s as if Roger woke up one morning and said. Hey 40 Years? Let’s see if we can lose all credibility in the next ten years and obfuscate our memories of who really was the biggest creative force behind the band. The one who talked them into having another go at this band thing. The one who brilliantly named them. The one that designed their logo and image. Oh and just happened to make them millionaires by writing their first three hits. Who was that “one”? Hmmm Frank Merlin? Francis- Freddy Fender- aw who knows. Fast forward to 2021. Yeah, “Queen +”. “I remember them. They had like a different singer every few years or something, didn’t they?” but I know the names Roger Taylor & Brian May and they must be Queen cause they say so. Queen + $$$$.

Re: Dream Queen+Adam Lambert Set List

My dream Queen+Adam Lambert set would be something like this:

Brian walks out on stage at the first gig and says ‘sorry, folks, me and Rog misjudged this one – probably not for the first time – we can’t go on stage and play an entire set with an X-Factor winner. It wouldn’t be right. You can collect a full refund on your way out. Cheers.’
My ideal setlist:
1. 45-minute warm-up acoustic set with Brian and Roger.
2. Lambert joins them on stage and announces to get ready for the best Queen-related concert ever.
3. Huge movie screens drop down.
4. The long awaited Live at Hammersmith concert [or insert your fav Queen concert here] begins in Hi Def, 3D stereo as Lambert leaves the stage.
5. Audience enjoys the best Queen concert ever

The Queen fans may not be in love with the idea but the Sparkle Cows are living in delusion land as usual. They are starting to whine that Queen fans aren’t accepting of Lambert as the singer because, get this, they are a bunch of homophobes. Yes, Sparkle Cows trot out their most tired and ridiculous of all stupid excuses. Like no one could tell that Freddie Mercury was gay? Seriously?

I think when an iconic band has been around as long as Queen has, and when the lead singer tragically dies, there is a sort of understandable loyalty among the die hards to the music and the deceased. I remember, for instance, after Elvis’ death, as other entertainers started doing his songs, there was backlash. So the reaction isn’t surprising. I think some die hards fear Adam will become a permanent fixture in the band and “replace” Freddie, which ain’t gonna happen.

I also understand that not everyone will love Adam as I do. That’s ok. There’s room for all of us. The only time I get irked by Queen fans bashing on Adam is if they say he can’t sing (gotta be tone deaf there, lol ) or if it seems to be coming from a homophobic attitude, which is hilarious considering Freddie’s sexual preference. Some of the bigoted fans accepted Freddie as long as he played the DADT game, I guess, and can’t handle Adam’s openness, and then there are those who are still in denial about it.

Hey, Adam’s not for everyone. But it sure looks like a lot of Queen fans enjoyed him at the EMAs! I’m not concerned about those temper tantrumming over this. Adam’s gonna blow them away at Sonisphere!

KatieJ

Ah, KatieJ, bucking to be mod over at AO unsuccessfully yet again. Freddie Mercury was NEVER DADT. He was out. Adam disdain has nothing to do with sexuality, but sheer talent. Putting Madam in Freddie’s place in the band is like asking Justin Bieber to fill in for Pavarotti in an opera.

More babbling from the Sparkle Cows…

am sure that some Queen fans will not like anyone who sings with Queen, and some will never like Adam no matter what he does. Those who call him a karaoke singer obviously don’t know anything about him at all. Adam fights the stigma of emerging from a reality show, and, of course, being gay. That is unfortunate FOR THEM. Nothing will change those whose minds are made up. Perhaps others who are less rigid will learn something. I don’t look for Adam to gain lots of fans from the rock and metal world; however, this is an opportunity for Adam to gain critical acclaim for his work and get huge amounts of publicity, publicity which I hope his management will capitalize upon. There will always be haters. As Adam himself has said, they serve to give him motivation. He is going to do a great job and hearing him sing live will be a test for their preconceived notions.

dont understand that Queen’S fan’s to batching Adam like that. Sad because that is not Adam to ask to Brian May or Paul Taylor that he want to be there frontman for that one concert at july 7 so its because Brian & Paul like the Adam’s voice and they like him very very much.

So why the Queen’s fan’s not understand that… The frontman they have the name of the singer are Paul or Roger dont remember for already many years tell me if there fan’s b****ing that guy like they b**** Adam’S? Poor guy..they accept now that guy for be the frontman and that guy dont want to replace Freddie like Adam’S dont want too. He just accept that huge invitation of Brian & Paul for give to Freddy’S memories. Thats it…

And like Katie,J said if they like Freddie considerating that Freddy’s orientation sexual life…its just hilarious like she said. Adam feel he always are a huge fan’s of Freddie and he will never want replace or mimic or tried to be Freddie…so its a little bit funny when you look all that.

On a bored evening recently I read through those Queenonline forum threads about Sonisphere. They were saying the place was busy because they had 70 or so posters logged in. The most negative posters were commenting again and again, magnifying their gripe. Many posters said that they weren’t planning to go anyway, regardless of the singer, and it seemed like the most negative posters were unhappy with almost everything Queen had done since Freddie passed decades ago. In spite of that in the newer posts, more members seemed to be coming to terms with the idea as other members argued the merits.

When we look at the fact that AO has about 500 fans online at any one moment, and is one of many many adam fan communities, (another one I frequent has about 250 members online each day, and 3,000-4,000 other viewers), it gives you a sense of how small that particular pool of Queen Online fans is compared to us, and the larger Queen fanbase as a whole. On another Adam site there are already more than 50 members who have bought Sonisphere tickets for example.

So basically I ended up feeling a little sorry for that particular forum, and the blustering and hair-pulling in the “purist” rock fan and Queen fan world makes very little difference because those Sonisphere tickets are very likely to sell out regardless of the complaining of a small portion of Queen fans who really weren’t planning to make the effort to go anyway.

I think there are plenty of Queen fans who are okay with, or enthusiastic about the idea. I’ve heard the Sonisphere forums are general positive on the idea, although I haven’t checked myself. For hardcore ‘Freddie or no one’ fans, I empathize, and think the antipathy really has little to do with Adam. A different singer would fall short for them in different ways, but would still fall short in their eyes.

Those poor Queen fans have no earthly idea what they are in for with the Sparkle Cows. This should be interesting to see as the Sparkle Cows go even nuttier and attack.

Clay Aiken – Dude Looks Like A Lady & David Cook & Adam Lambert Fans

January 15, 2012

Last night someone pointed out to me that there is a new competition between David Cooktards and Adam Lambertards. Something called “American Idol Smackdown” on radio station 98.7 out of Tampa, Florida. They are asking fans to rate if Lambert’s new single or Cook’s is better. So far the comments are pretty tame but I have a feeling this has the potential to turn into Crazy Cakes Land soon enough. That’s when the Glamcows stop rushing all over the interwebs trying to rationalize and defend the Glittery One over his recent alcohol fueled slapfest.

Some wag that sounds almost like Kerry Kolsch suggested that the two people voting that they disliked both singles must be people that voted for Kris Allen and David Archuletta. Hey, at least Archuletta got a big honking Christmas special this year on PBS. Did Adam or David get a Christmas eggstravaganza anywhere on teevee? Oh hells naw.

Plus, Allen and Archuelette fans seem a tad more, I don’t know, sane and rational than Cooktards or GlitteryBovines.

The other amusing fan delusional behavior this week has been the angry angry Clay Aiken Grannies, the Claymates, trying to pretend that Claylene hasn’t had something new done to his face. Photos were released this week of Clay posing for his upcoming turn on “Celebrity Apprentice”

Judge for yourself….

Depends are twisting all over Granny Fannys as the Clay Fantards rush to say that he’s not had anything done at all beyond a TMJ jaw fix. Bullshit. He’s as stitched, pulled, stuffed as a cheap carnival stuffed animal prize. There’s more filler in that face than a bargain hotdog made of hooves and assholes.

One plastic surgery website had an interesting theory back in 2009 as to way Clay is dabbling in such heavy plastic surgery.

What genius in Clay Aiken’s entourage decided that plumper lips would make him look more masculine? Whomever they are, they should be fired. Clay looked more manly when he started out than he does now. The shag haircut, the glass, heavy layer of foundation, and plumped up lips make him look like someone testing the waters before they decide to get a sex change.

Damn, he’d make one very ugly woman. I hope this is not why he’s been indulging in facial enhancement.

Man Boobs & The American Idol

August 1, 2011

Today I’m laying off the crazy fans and types like Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets and looking at some of the Idols themselves.

Mmmmbop kindly posted a link in the comments the other night to a clip of Adam Lambert singing his upcoming new single in concert. Something called ‘Outlaws of Love’

Thoughts? Looks like he’s rocking a similar look as “Hook” bad boy Rufio

Also in the comments some saw Man Boobs on Adam – or as I like to call them Moobs. I saw no moobs but then again I ditched after the first minute because the shrieking of the fans was ruining it for me. If I wanted to hear shrieking like that I’d just run over the foot of one of my Bumpass neighbors across the street with my car.

But it did lead me to start thinking about Moobs and the average American Idol male. Who does and doesn’t have Mooobs, who is likely to develop them. I’m thinking Taylor Hicks is probably hiding a pair and surely as plump as Clay Aiken has gotten he’s ready for a manzier or bro. My personal favorite Chris Sligh has got ’em.

You moob spotters, what type did you see? I have Moob charts below just for comparison purposes.

Leave a comment and I’ll get to them later. Right now I have to get a possum out of my washer.

What Other Fantards Do You Know?

June 9, 2011

I’m not going to talk about David Cook’s failed single, intra-fan wars over the single, Kerry Kolsch goes Green Acres or some of the restless silly in any of the other fandoms. I’m not even going to pick on Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets today as I sense she’s busy trying to get that room mate for her townhouse advertised in the papers and changing the name of ‘David Cook Uncensored’ to the ‘David Cook News Board’.

Just a caution: If you answer an ad to rent a room in Yardley, Pennsylvania please make sure you Google your potential landlord’s name.

Instead I’d like to ask you what other crazy fandoms you laugh over and follow. Please share in the comments.

Are there any over-involved fandoms or folks out there that make you laugh besides the crazy American Idol ones? I know there are tons of crazier than the most horny Claymate fantards out there of many different things, everything from beauty pageants to plastic model horses besides the garden variety sort following actors/musicians/politicians. Share what crazy fan groups that bear examination, laughing and pointing.

I had my very own fantard spotting this morning – I had a tard-spotting today at Target but I didn’t know it until the silly gal was driving away.

I was minding my own business, standing in line to buy some random junk for the house when the whole damn register belt ‘Tha-WHUMP!’ Looked up and saw a 30sih-40ish woman with an ass the size of Cincinatti but with a regular fatty above the waist. Weird looking, like someone sawed a very fat chick in two and a regular fat gal in two and then reconnected the wrong bits. Oh she was rocking the sartorial splendor of a hot summer day in the Virginia Piedmont. She wore a the squished and dusty pair of black Crocs with faded to mid-gray old black stretch pants with a t-shirt resplendent with a photo of the two leads of the “Twilight” series with the motto “Twilight” above it.

Okay, so it’s not a crime to not know how to dress appropriately for age, body type and social situation. I ain’t no (to steal L Anne Carrington’s phrase) ‘stuck up skeleton whore’ ‘SWANKY’ (yeah, I’m fat) but what she wore didn’t do her any favors. But I didn’t think anything much of it, maybe it was the first thing she could find. No idea about trip to tardtown yet.

This big old redhead keep yapping at first about how ‘sorry’ she was that the store Hoverround cart she was riding rammed the checkout stand. She was told, no problem. And then it got weird.

Miss Hoverround started to speak, very sotto voice, muttering to herself like the crazed shopping cart lady in the park that tries to preach to the squirrels. She started softly enough before she proceeded to mutter just loud enough for us to hear about how some people didn’t realize they were taking up space in the handicapped line without being handicapped. WTF? It was the only line open and I had 3 items. She complained about the smallness of the aisles for the handicapped, how Target had no respect for the handicapped, blah, blah, blah and other bizarre mutterings. The cashier and I just kept staring at each other and rolling our eyes over Lil Miss Fatty Handicapped.

Let me state here I have no problem with fat people in general but I do when they need to walk and clearly refuse to do so because the store offers a Hoverround cart for the aged or infirm. At that point I had no idea if she was or wasn’t handicapped.

I get my shit and get, go over to the Starbucks inside our Target to get a Venti Latte, it’s hotter than hammered hell here. I get my iced coffee just in time to see Miss Handicapped get off the store rascal and oh so slowly waddle out the front door with her two bags of junk food. (Did I mention she had ice cream, ho-hos and fritos along with other high fat low nutrition things? Yes, I’m being super stupid judgemental..) We were going out to the parking lot at the same time, in the time it took her to walk out to her vehicle (near mine at least 30 spaces from the front door) I had my stuff in the car, the cart put up and I was sitting in my car, curious why she wasn’t parked in the Handicapped parking section right next to the store. She finally got in her mini van and pulled out just in time for me to read about twenty Harry Potter and Twilight bumper stickers on the back of the car, including a couple for fan fiction websites blaring proudly the links.

Oh how I wished I’d have been able to reach my cell phone camera I would have photographed this nutty Twitarder/Pottertard in all her glory. Suddenly I understand the five foot wide ass and lack of social skills. I wish I knew her username on Fan Fiction dot net and the other sites because I have a sneaking suspicion she probably writes scads of Harry Potter getting boffed by Edward the vampire porn. It would be laugh and point worthy.

So, what other crazy fantardships do you know of out there. Let me know in the comments.

Happy Easter

April 23, 2011

The Easter Bunny came during the week for me and provided me with many things to giggle over that were Idol-related.

Doings In Cooktard Land:

Got wind of a conspiracy theory afloat over at Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppet’s lair, David Cook Uncensored. Apparently she and her sockpuppets believe that because Cook’s new single, “The Last Goodbuy,..errr, Goodbye” being released on Tuesday and that being the same day that Kimberly Caldwell’s CD was released it must mean that Kimmy and Hair Plugs are doing the nasty. Still. She’s even deluded enough to think that they actually had something to do with making the record companies release these on the same day because they are supposedly playing hide the salami.

Yeah, sure, right, like record companies and it’s execs are at the whim and mercy of former American Idol types instead of the truth, completely opposite. You’d think someone that has bragged a capacious buttload about working for Sony would understand how the music industry works. Nope, she’s just only focusing on who David Cook might be tooling.

But that is a conspiracy theory that might give Kerry Kolsch a run for her money. Hey Kerry, I heard that Kris Allen sweating up a storm in some southern city this past summer. I guess that means in your world that Kris is guilty of something.

This was followed by a visibly nervous David “Hairplugs” Cook performing his newest single on the Idol results show. He kinda blew, and not just because the song isn’t to my personal tastes. He was just off. But in Tardtown they are crowning him the King of all Music.

And then thousands googled their way here under the funniest search term yet in the hours after American Idol aired: “Did David Cook get a hair transplant?” I do not know for sure but my vote is yes. His head looks like he joined Hair Club For Men or perhaps a super expensive lacefront. But I’m betting on plugs. Look at the hairline.

Yes, America, he has done something. There are some that allege he’s had a recent nose job but I’m less sure on that. The tip is pointer and the nose is thinner and more refined but that could be dieting. Remember the chubbo he was when he auditioned for Idol?

Doings in Adam Lambert Fantardland:

I’m always amused by the Sparkle Cows but this week on Twitter was just too freaking funny. On Wednesday Adam tweeted about 420 and the tards immediately started speculating what the significance was. Well he wasn’t tweeting just because it was Adolph Hitler’s birthday even if he did once sport a swastika on his jacket. It took a long time before the Cows were informed of what Jason Castros fans already knew and probably celebrated that 420 was the day to get high, smoke a little weed. Weed Day.

Why do they like to pretend Lambert is some innocent boy confused about his sexuality enough that one of them might have a chance of sleeping with him? Lambert has stated in interviews that’s he’s been known to partake of drugs and alcohol.