Posted tagged ‘L Anne Carrington’

Bad Behavior

March 8, 2010

Dear David,

I hear your ‘fans’ have been twitter-spamming some pop songwriter in the UK that you’ve been working with. Apparently they expect you to be all ‘Rawk’ and stuff, losing their minds over possible power pop. They chose to ignore that the “My Sharona”s of this world have their place too. Not everything has to be rock n roll hardcore.

It’s rather rude to twit to someone that you hate their songs and that they are ruining your idol by working with him. Like a bunch of clucking hens pecking an innocent duck to death because he doesn’t look/sound anything like the rooster they’re used to. Who made all those biddies guardians of your music in the first place? Why should their subjective opinions matter more than anyone elses?

Crazy and rude.

Oh and special message for L Anne Carrington/Lori Ann Dennick –  Yes, my friend Sandy slept with your crush. She screwed him, blew him, tattooed him, whatever and said ~ NEWSFLASH ~ he was hung like a hamster and horrible between the sheets. That’s the closest you’ll ever come to laying him.

Happy Birthday L Anne

February 8, 2010

Dear David, look away and save your eyesight. Please, I beseech you since this doesn’t involve you.. unless your sense of humor is as sick as mine..

Yes, yes, today is the birthday of L Anne, just in time for Book Three of her Chronicles.  Don’t you think I did a fetching drawing of her meaty hamhocks?  It’s quite a masterful tale that someone has woven. Sounds very much like the drivel our birthday girl spouts.


Google Questions #16

February 2, 2010

Dear Baldy,

More wacky Google searches. Good gopher gravy I love ’em! Nothing funnier than the words that lead to here. Especially since there’s naught happening the world of Baldy-ism right now but you writing and recording your new music. Hope it’s going well and the creative juices are flowing.

“Organic Tattoo” – I am extremely confused by this one because even if ink is ‘organic’ it doesn’t mean it’s all safe and shit. I’m reminded of my Siamese that liked to chew on one of my art pens back in college. I couldn’t figure out the why until hearing that the ink in it was made up partially from ground up bugs. Someone ‘splain to me the difference between organic and non-organic tattooing please.

“I Love Lori Anne” – I think L Anne Carrington, authoress of some of the world’s worst fiction and noted plagiarist, has been riding her Hoveround/Rascal scooter without bringing along the oxygen tank.  Would not surprise me if she was self-Googling without probable cause again to see if she mattered to anyone than our usual gang of chortling meanies.

However I am hoping this means that VH1 is developing  a show around her called “FUPA of Love”

“Tranny Porn” – Is that anything like the Tranny Honey I spotted out and about today?

“Run from a sociopath” – what you have to do every single day out on the road and what Neal is having to do now to date the green haired gal.

“David Cook hair loss secrets” – Looks like some dumbass thinks you’re trying to lose your hair on purpose instead of naturally.

“David Cook sociopath” – Are you a sociopath? You don’t seem like it. In fact, I got a kick out of you and the kids on that house building show. You painting picture frames with sick kids is very anti sociopathic I think.  Now certain of your biggest fans, *cough, coughmaryannellishollysockpuppetscough, cough* is a different story.

“Big Cook Porn” – I’m guessing someone wants a certain lardy chef’s manicotti up their chitterlings. Didn’t even know there were chubber chaser porn for the gourmand.

“Horny Old Lady Porn” – I’m pretty sure that’s what paperback romance novels are and what keeps Lifetime Network For Women on the air.

Green…

January 26, 2010

…. as in cocks, envy, men, grass, money, whatever..  there’s been a lot going on in the world of Idol this week, Sir Baldy and pals, that makes me laugh and think green.

Cocks – I saw you posted this as a look at your new sound for the CD –

So the rooster isn’t technically green. He’s black, close enough. What was funny about this is while you meant it as a joke some of the crazier ones took it was an opportunity to spam you about your gonads via double entendres about cocks. You walked right into that one.

Envy – Apparently Chris Sligh got into a twitter war with first Kris Allen fans and then Adam Lambert fans just because he started that Kris was ‘pitchy’ singing the National Anthem for the NFC championship in New Orleans. I didn’t think Kris was anything but awesome in his turn singing.

Judge for yourself. I think he’s right on key to my ear.

Let’s visit this ‘pitchy’ so blithely tossed about by Randy Jackson and now Sligh. It’s not even a real musical term. You’re either off key or on key, flat or sharp, none of bitchy pitchy crapola. Either the harmonics and tonality are correct or they are not. No ‘pitchy’ about it. Sligh should know better.

He obviously didn’t know any better than to engage the Lambert Sparkle Cows from what I saw on Twitter & his blog. I believe Sligh is jealous.

Not only is he suffering from the Green Eyed Monster of Envy those same Sparkle Cow fans of Adam Lamberts are as well. They’ve moaned that Kris Allen got to sing at the UFC game, they took his remarks about going to Haiti on a missions trip as alternately the ravings of a drunk in a city known for drunken rowdiness.  They complained about his almost losing his life on another missions trip, acting like Kris is being the grandest of all attention whores. Only in the Sparkle Cow universe does happy giddy behavior mean drunk and unselfish acts of charity and empathy equal bad.

Chris Sligh is right about one thing. He said that the Sparkle Cows were harming Adam Lambert’s career future. There is no doubt about that. They are tanking it faster As long as they believe that the world revolves around Adam and people that do not believe are evil. At least your crazier fans do not begin to approach Mad Sparkle Cow Disease, Baldy.

Men –  This posted today by the GRO is just too funny. Looks like life on the road has you sporting the beginnings of a little belly there.

psst!! -to L Anne who keeps Googling herself.  I saw a display of the same tiaras you’ve been photographed in down at Wal Mart for a mere 12 dollars. You might want to stock up.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving…

December 23, 2009

And I have a gift for you David and everyone that reads here…

No, it’s not straight jackets or restraining orders for Holly Sockpuppets or the insane Celine twittering suicide threats at Neal Tiemann.

It’s the Ebook of the Chronicles of L Anne Carrington, a lady you’d think might be actually be a fictional character on “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.  She’s not fictional even if she has a definite bend towards fiction. Read about her fake fiancees, fake pregnancies, fake writings, fake weightloss surgeries, fake beauty pageants and other fakeries and forgeries. I guarantee you’ll laugh.  Just try to avoid the nasty porn parts..

http://lannecarringtonbook.com/

Lamebert Gifts – Ho Ho Ho

December 16, 2009

Dear David,

I know you’re recording, kicking back with family and friends and there’s nothing shaking in the world of crazy Cooktards now that Celine’s thorozine seems to have kicked in and most everyone realizes that Holly Sockpuppets invents all these ‘girlfriends’ for you. It’s quiet, it’s relatively calm.

Except for me. I wiped out in my own house and ended up in the hospital for a few hours. Nothing broken but I did get some of those delicious mind altering type narcotic hillbilly heroin pills to take while my bruises and dignity heals. I even got to feeling like a certain fictionalizing fatty riding around the grocery store in my Rascal all hepped up on pills. But mostly it made me think of evil things after viewing this, er, ah, hmm.. piece of holiday handicraft involving Adam Lambert.

For the Glambert with everything I present For Your Gestation – The Adam Lambert Embryo Ornament for the Christmas tree.

And straight from a day involving pain pills, free time and art supplies may I present that list of Xmas presents for the Glambert in your life. They’re pretty damn ghetto.

Jingle Sperm Ornament

Why do a fetus when you can go all the way back to Spermhood. Here we have The Sperm who stole Christmas.  His glittery eye shadow grew 3 sizes that day.

Aftermath Paper

Not feeling fresh after that deluxe burrito platter you ate turned from a solid to a liquid in record time? Need something glittery and swanky to wipe with? Does a cartoon bear shit in the woods with toilet paper hanging from a nearby tree?  If you gotta go, go glamorous and oh so fierce, bitches! Sparkly toilet paper.

Time For Miracles Combination Makeup Applicator/Vibrator

Have crater canyon face so bad it scares small children and animals and the blind mistake it for a diorama map of the surface of the moon? Horny? Now you can take care of both needs with the handy dandy makeup trowel with glittery vibrating handle.  Doesn’t include batteries and manufacturer cannot be held liable for any Sparkle Cow confusing which end for another.


Magic Diet Pills

Buns getting chubster?  Do you have more chins than old football-playing Madam?  Then slim down the Madam way with his magically pinky sparkly diet pills. You’ll forget to eat (and bath, change clothes, brush your teeth or behave with any semblance of normality)  as you take these magical slimming pills.

Warning.. may contain ingredients that cause liver failure, rapid heart beat, feeling of bugs on skin, loss of teeth, craters and sores on skin, paranoia and hallucinations but at least you’ll leave a skinny corpse.

Google Questions #5

November 12, 2009

Dear Baldy,

Usually there’s an imaginative  search parameter or two daily among your fans two-stepping into here from Google but lately it’s been repeats involving tattoos, jews, and L Anne Carrington searching for herself. Yawn.

Two of the most repeated searches from yesterday make me laugh for totally different reasons. Both involve obsessional women.

“smartie “l’anne carrington” ebook” – L Anne, L Anne, L Anne. She’s quaking in her boots trying to find out if Idletard’s Smartie actually is compiling an Ebook of her adventures.  I feel the rumblings up over the Alleghenies and the Blue Ridge right now and smell her arid sweat. Never fear, Smartie is doing just that and David I’d recommend you get a copy as soon as it comes out. You’ve stated you like to read and it’s going to be a fascinating study into mental illness, plagiarism and crime.  I promise you’ll laugh, cry, throw up and gasp before coming back for another plate of crazy.

Personally I think they should build L Anne her own special wing at the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. She can keep company with the spooks and haints and leave the rest of us alone. It’s just south of her home in the burbs of Pittsburgh.

“David Cook Uncensored” – I’ve never visited this site run by Mary Ann/Holly containing various sockpuppets of Holly pretending to be other people yet only cheering Holly on and I don’t plan on it. I don’t even have the addy but I do understand that there’s one heck of a battle going on right now over that mysterious tattoo of yours. Apparently you getting a tattoo is turning off Mary Ann/Holly to the point where she’s almost ready to toss you on the Idol scrapheap of former lust objects along with Clay Aiken and Constantine.  Fickle fans. Mary Ann – Holly needs to join L Anne at the TALA.

The question that most springs to mind on these two is why Pennsylvania? Why the high percentage of completely wacko obsessed fans in the Keystone state? Is it something in the water?  I know my most insane clients at work come out of the Philly area and seem like they could be characters on “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. Something must be seriously wrong with that part of the world