Posted tagged ‘Neil Tieman’

Google Questions Part 3

November 6, 2009

Dear Baldy,

So another recurring theme in the google searches coming on into here is one that makes me sorta frightened – “david cook adam lambert fanfic” – Yep, that’s right, someone or a whole lotta somebodys are looking for what I suspect would be slash fan fiction involving you and Adam Lambert. I am officially skeeved out at the very idea.
If you meet the fan fiction crew you should run from them. Do you know what they write about you doing?  Apparently all sorts of creepy and wrong things, like you raping and killing women. I have been told this is a big favorite at the site that used to be named “Illusions of Cook” Other fan fic pairings put you in slash situations, i.e. sex with other males, with others from the “American Idol” world. Now they are searching for slash involving you and Adam. Being that Adam is openly gay slash at least is his correct sexuality. But not yours.

I just have never gotten the need for fan fiction writers to put obviously straight males into homosexual situations and sexual trysts. Most everyone’s sexuality is set in stone at an early age.

Plus most of what I’ve read is just so totally and utterly physiologically impossible, like five trillion orgasms in one night or sexual positions that cannot happen. Not to mention that old slash favorite of laying on top of each other and rubbing dicks together. It’s pretty obvious that most slash and het fiction writers have never actually had sex themselves or watched much porn.

But the most disturbing aspect is that they aren’t writing about fictional characters from a television show or a movie. They are writing about REAL PEOPLE. That’s where it crosses the line from a harmless hobby into something disgusting and disrespectful.

Run, very fast, when someone tells you they write fan fic about you. They even write it about Andy Skib and Neil Tiemann screwing each other. Ugh.

Open Letter To Baldy

October 30, 2009

Tonight I’m posting a brilliant open letter by The Birdman. Listen up Baldy, he’s speaking wisdom that could impact the rest of your career. Thanks, The Birdman!


Hi Baldy.

You probably don’t remember me. I was at your Seattle show in August – short, skinny, tattooed dark guy in a wifebeater come to mind? Probably not, cause I was right up the back and left early to go get a beer.

I’m also a regular member of the former Idletard and now hang on various AI tard-bashing sites including this one. I know you know of us – one of our members gave you one of our famous Tard Strong bracelets (a high honour, but what did you do with it?) and you ran into the esteemed admin of this site in Virginia. Many Idletard members believe that you used to read the site pretty regularly and that you check out this site as well, although for obvious reasons (fat chick stampede) you don’t admit it.

There’s a reason I’m taking time out of my day to write you this. I like you. I think you’re a funny guy, you have decent taste in music and I can respect anyone with the balls to tackle an Our Lady Peace song on American Idol (although why did you sing the second verse? The first verse of Innocent = 10 times better). But when I went to your show, I was met by what we Idletard-ites (hey, you’re the Word Nerd. Tell me how to do it right, won’t ya.) call the frau. And not just one or two. Several. Several fat, sweaty frau pushing, shoving and bitching their way to the front while stinking up the place and making me (and the hot blonde near me) nauseous. And the show hasn’t even started.

At the time, I was not a regular Idletard member and was merely travelling through America as a way of getting over a break-up. However, when I heard I was in Seattle at the same time you were I remembered the tales of crazed fans I had heard and decided to check it out for myself. I had long assumed all the tales were at least partly exaggerated.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I have been going to hardcore punk and metal gigs since I was in my mid teens and old enough to carry a fake ID and look it. I’m no stranger to gig violence at all. I have been punched in the face, kicked in the shins and the only reason I’m still fertile is because I started wearing a box to protect my nuts. And I have been known to dish it out as well.

But what I saw at your show was completely different. I normally like to stand at the front, however when I tried to get there the frau all glared at me and told me to get to the back because “I’m not a real fan.” And I wasn’t the only one. Through the night I watched these bitches harassing everyone who dared to come closer to the stage even from my place at the back of the floor, especially younger women. And their behaviour while you were playing was fucking appalling. You and I both know what is appropriate concert behaviour, particularly in a larger venue. Screaming when you tried to speak, yelling into the monitors and continuing to harass everyone else is not appropriate behaviour anywhere. The worst part was that if I or anyone else said anything back to them, we were fucked. Even if they actually wouldn’t have assaulted me, I wasn’t willing to take the chance especially as almost all of them were twice as wide as me.

You have probably read Smartie and Teevho’s entreaties to grow some balls and tell the frau to fuck off. I’m not going to give you that line. I’m a working muso myself. I know how important it is to have someone fund your lifestyle, even if they are psychotic bitches. And I’ve seen your retorts – the myspace blog, the video etc which are about as much as you can do on the road short of kicking their heads in, which = jail time.

There is, however, one thing you can do.

You’ve mentioned you plan to return to the studio early next year. Great. But here comes the advice.

Give the frau a fuck you through the music.

You’ve mentioned your love of Nine Inch Nails in the past. Get Trent Reznor as a collaborator and producer. Get Chris Cornell back, but don’t accept any half-arsed Carry On/Scream leftovers from him – this is the guy who wrote Jesus Christ Pose, get some of that brutal magic. Collaborate with Jerry Cantrell and have him bust out some classic Alice riffs for you. Don’t let Brian Howes within a hundred miles of the studio. Hell, go to any alternative/indie club night and offer the best bands’ songwriters as much of 19E’s cash as you can to help you write a few tracks. Or go in a totally different direction. Whatever pleases you. But for the love of God, mate, don’t record another album of post-grunge dirges that any real music fan (frau being TV rather than music fans) can hear in a bar every Saturday night. Do something crazy already to show to everyone who matters (i.e. everyone other than a few crazed fat chicks who will leave you next time some other Idol contestant makes their vaginas explode) that David Cook is a legitimate artist, not a TV karaoke performer.

Already you have a pretty big credibility problem as I’m sure you’re aware. The AI powers that be pimped you hard because they thought you could be Daughtry 2.0., but even they’re not stupid enough to realise that it didn’t really work for you the first time. They’ll probably give you another chance, but if this next album is more of the same and doesn’t sell to anyone other than frau, it’s back to playing bars in Kansas City for you. Only now you’re gonna wind up like Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol who follow him everywhere. If you read some of the Idletard Soul Patrol stories, you’ll know what I’m on about. And stuff like a Christmas special won’t help you regain credibility, or a place in Carrie Underwood’s pants.

However, if you show some balls and aren’t afraid to do something a little more hardcore, you might actually have a shot at gaining some credibility with rock fans, who are mostly smart enough to realise a fuck you when they see one and will respect you for having the balls to do so. And who will, yes, buy your stuff.

Get one thing straight first. You are not going to be Nickelback or Creed. Packed out arenas are not in your future unless you’re working the snack bar. Daughtry got lucky because he was able to mostly do his own thing after Idol and that thing happened to be popular. Your nuts belonged to 19E. You couldn’t do that. But now’s your chance, cause with all the focus on Adam Lambert they’ve probably forgotten you anyway.

If you don’t take my advice, enjoy your life as it is now, cause it’s only gonna get worse. Maybe you can marry Svagjina. She’s gonna be a lawler, you know. And I’m sure you can wash the taste of Neal out.


The Birdman.

P.S. Speaking of Neal, he hasn’t paid his dues to the Fugly Unwashed Guys Who Play Guitar To Get Laid Union yet. Can you remind him to pay? Paypal account You’re free to join as well – we need a treasurer.

So Not Rock & Roll

October 25, 2009

So this week you participated in two very different very not so rock & roll type projects, ABC’s “Home Makeover” and the unnamed Carrie Underwood Christmas special. So “Home Makeover is a worthy project, but not so much rock & roll because it’s so middle America, which can be already sometimes. You’re pretty ‘middle American’

But a network Christmas special?? That’s so not done by real rockers. Pop flavor of the week, sure. You will never see Keith Richards on the telly set wearing a Santa Hat and singing of peace on earth. Does Metallica appear in ‘The Christmas Carol’ in Edwardian clothing? Nope, not done usually, with a few very awkward exceptions as seen below.

Now that has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking televised sing alongs I’ve seen. For all the cheery banter before hand Der Bingle looks somewhat horrified, like he just witness Bowie bang his dog on the front lawn before trying to snort the mistletoe. It’s not very rock & roll even it’s hella awkward. The thin white duke momentarily sold out.  I’m sure he didn’t think it up, his management did in a fit of madness.

Just like someone on your management team thinks it would be good for you to do something similar.

I think you’re coming to a fork in the road soon where you will have to decide if you want to earn credibility as a rocker or be the typical post-Idol idol and be Mr Pop pandering to middle America and the frauen. Only you hold the power to decide which.

BTW, for this Christmas get help for Neil. I heard some disturbing rumors about him and the frau and his drinking. He really needs help.

Meats and Greeds

September 8, 2009

or as they are better known as ‘Meets & Greets”

Dear David,

What moron decided you needed to do Meets & Greets on your tour? Whoever that fuck head is, probably your manager, you need to fire his ass immediately and stop the M&G. Stop it all together cold turkey.

It’s just always going to be the same old hags stalking you with dolls and scrapbooks. It’s the ones that make you insane in not a good way, the pizza lover screamers, the putting a tracker on your bussers, the tragically insane and possibly dangerous, the entitlement whores to whom you’re not a real person but a piece of meat, a commodity that they feel they own because they voted for you to win some stupid television show. As time goes on they become ever more jealous of anyone that takes up even a smidgen of what they perceive should be their time with you. Meats & Greeds.

Dropping the M & G’s is going to make your life a great deal more pleasant, trust me on this one. No more Svagina and Marty and crew. No more screeching lunatics clutching at you or trying to cop a feel off your ass.

Did the Rolling Stones ever do M & G’s? No. How about Metallica?  Cake?  Snoop Dog?  Dr Teeth & The Electric Mayhem? Nope, nope, nope and nope. No M & G’s. Nor should you. M & G’s are pretty anti all that Rock and Roll stands for. Ban the Meets & Greets.

You alway look so horrified at them….

Proper Way To Deal With Screaming Tard Hos

August 31, 2009

A month or so ago, back right before Fraumaggedon (or as it is also known Good Morning America’s Concert Series), Idletard posted this wonderful featuring David Cook trying so desperately to speak between songs while some nearby loud mouthed idiot screamed out her true lurve for him and pizza. You can view this idiocy here —> Screaming Tard Video.

David, David, David, allowing that screaming tard to keep screeching like someone is piercing her clit with a rusty broken paper clip you might think is you being nice and polite but it’s not. It’s encourating the insane to stay ever more insane. They will keep increasing the unacceptable behavior to new heights if you allow them to act like that.

You should do like we used to do back in my days as a front woman for a punk rock band. Someone acting like that right in front of the stage I would not hesitate in those days to take that microphone and stand and clock the fuck out of the screamer. Cold cock them hard in the head with the mike stand and issue a ‘STFU!’

Run, Baldy, Run!!!

Hope you get laid in Montana by a young nubile non-screaming non-heifer.

And btw you should consider looking into rehab for your guitarist Neil Tieman. All of his twitters talk about drinking or getting drunk. I really could not stand it if I looked at your fan page and there were oodles of those dumb online SCrapbooks memorializing a dead Neil. Alcohol poisoning is so unsexy.