Posted tagged ‘OCD’

Chapter 9: The Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppet Chronicles

May 25, 2011

Today on “Dance of the Sugar Plum Sockpuppets”

Then a pattern started setting in. Every single time David Cook was spotted with an attractive female Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets assumed that a) he was having hot nasty sex with this gal and b) the girl was a nasty slut not worthy of David. Straight into stalking mode she’d go.

Next up was Lana Jade, a cute blonde from the Northern Virginia suburbs of Washington DC. She was spotted with him at a bar near the University of Maryland and other places. Photos circulated on the internet of this model/actress and Mary Ann lost it.She typically started calling David a ‘whore’ for doing what normal guys his age do, have sex with attractive women in his own age range.

The knifes came out for Lana. Not only did Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets start threads about Lana Jade packed with purloined photos and information she did her usual and started tearing around Lana’s reputation. Lana ended up on Just Jared, photos with David Cook and accusations of being a ‘Scene Queen’ (an ancient term no one uses but Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets any longer). Some have said that Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets sold the information to Just Jared like she later did with Kim Johnson. She ignored the fact that Lana Jade had a resume filled with modeling gigs, a pilot she did for MTV and other ‘real’ events, unlike her own resume which is almost completely fictitious

Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets sent nasty messages through to Lana Jade’s MySpace and harassed her relentlessly. Finally Lana Jade left the internet because of this internut, Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets.

I have heard that David Cook warns the females he cavorts with to premptively block Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets from their MySpace/Facebook/other social media because of the scary stalking she’s done to his dates. Great way to show your love of David.

Crickets, Garters and Williamsburg

August 3, 2010

So I’m hearing rumblings that at Carrie Underwood multi zillion dollar wedding in Jawja that not only did David Cook get to squeeze in some of that golfing he loves so much, he ended up catching the brides garter.

I’m assuming you know how that works, dear readers, everyone does unless they live under a rock. The groom tosses the brides garter into the crowd of bachelors and old lore says the single man that ends up with the garter will be the next one walking down the aisle to marriage.

Makes me laugh because at most of the recent weddings I’ve attended the bachelors and bachelorettes have behaved as though catching the garter or the bouquet was the worst fate in the world. Non grappling going on.

I don’t think this signifies anything with ol’ Baldy beyond some hijinks at a wedding reception. But apparently it is being discussed by his fans. Most are saying what I’ve said, that it would be nice for him to actually be able to date someone without people going nuts and certain nutball stalkers speculating and selling those speculations to the tabloids as facts.

Watching all the careful nameless discussions referencing this person and place remind me of the movie Beetlejuice. No one will utter the name because like an evil horny demon she/he/it might appear.

Yes, everyone keeps referring obliquely to Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets and her puppeteering place, David Cook Uncensored. DCU is starting to look a little like a ghost town with the exception of all of the sock puppets. Almost everyone there has figured out that Mary Ann is completely and totally bat shiat crazy demented and departed for saner places. I can hear the crickets echoing from the almost shuttered DCU from here.

You just know it has to be driving Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets into fits of rage and despair. I’m sure she’s speculating based on rumors she made up which of the gals at Model Mayhem might be the potential bride. She’s planning and spamming tripe at the chosen victim, creating rumors, selling lies and talking to herself right now. She’s just doing it all mostly alone now. A tin foil hatter muttering alone in the dark.

If I could wave around a magic wand and make things happen like the goddess I wish I was I’d make David date, publicly, without fear of losing fans, without restrictions. Starting with the day of the concert at Williamsburg’s Busch Gardens. Baldy and date on the Tilt-O-Whirl at a 100 paces with the more crazy fans turning a blind eye to any of it.

Everyone needs love. Even balding musicians. Even nutballs. Just not with each other.

The ‘X’ Factor

April 18, 2010

Dear Davey-Cakes,

Looks like Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets of David Cook Uncensored has been drinking from the wrong Koolaid jug again, chugalugging that Haterade at the thought of anyone you’ve dated or possibly ever had horizontal fellowship with. Her target of ire this time is your fellow Idol contestant Kimberly Caldwell.

I was thinking she was going to trade you in on a newer model, like, say possible gay boy Casey James or Lee DeWyse. The others are too ethnic for her. She likes only lily white.  The good Lord knows you’re about as white as they come, marshmallow white, skin that burns white, Sherwin Williams paint white. Casey and Lee fit the Anglo Saxon mold too but she’s just not having it. Which is surprising considering the past she always switched up her Idol stalking in 24 month intervals. You’re due to be released but she’s breaking pattern this time.

She’s really chewing the scenery over at DCU over poor seemingly nice Kimberley and many there are laughing and pointing as these random obvious sockpuppets keep popping up to agree with her that Kimberly Caldwell is everything just this side of Hitler.

One of her sockpuppets, Lori, posted that you were trying to ‘get’ to Holly a couple of times during your tour, which is laughable since Holly doesn’t really exist. Just Mary Ann does. This is what Lori said..

David was even checking out our Holly. He came over to our side 3 or 4 times during the Keswick theater show, and starred down some chick holding a sign. But Holly was on the same side. He was even trying to find a way to get behind the speakers to a catwalk that went straight out to Holly and her friend. It’s on video during Declaration, Straight Up and Barbasol. Holly is a very classy looking girl from what I saw. Nothing like the average fan.

I am convinced David is a whore. And in his own words he said the chicks he is attracking now are higher caliber. I forget which interview this was but he did say it. I also think he was sleeping with Mystery Lady E during the Idol tour because she was hanging around David for a while from idol tour to solo tour. maybe kim got a whiff of this. Let us not forget kimmy has a reputation too for sleeping around. Maybe she is finally growing up but it is obvious her career comes first too.

dirtydiana thanks for the tip but kim said on her twitter that david did not cheat on her. What do you think about that? and dirty are u carly?

She called you a whore and pretty much said the same thing about poor Kim. Bad form. Delusional.For the last so many days Mary Ann/Holly has been trying to stir up the crowds to bash Kimberly Caldwell, calling her a copycat for getting a tattoo among other stupid allegations about sexual preference and accusing Kim of sucking up to you constantly. As ugly as some of your fans have been to Kim because of the egging on of Mary Ann/Holly (organized harassment might actually be a crime) most everyone there knows this is more stupid sockpuppet army action and have been poking fun at all of the sockpuppet manifestos. I love these responses to allegations that Kim is doing things just because you did..

I heard she bought some groceries….and David bought some groceries too!!!! Clearly she must have been copying him

and..

She has probably gone out to dinner with friends too. The freaking nerve of her! We know David goes out to dinner too!

Mock on, mock on.. Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets deserves way more mocking than this. Kimberly Caldwell, if I were you I’d have her charged with inciting all the ugly against you.

Caution! Sparkle Cows Exploding!

April 8, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Did you enjoy your game of charity softball even if it sounds like you got your keister whooped? Exercise is good. It’s something the Sparkle Cows of Adam Lambert loath and avoid like Kris Allen.

Poor Kris Allen. His album dropped off the charts with the same rapidity as a KKKer runs away from a Gay Pride rally.  But he actually has a much better chance of having a long term career when compared to Adam Lambert. Adam is flavor of the month, flash in the pan. For all the moolah 19 Entertainment has pumped into his post Idol career it hasn’t helped a bit. He’s still stuck playing 3 rate casinos filled with fat middle-aged women in age-inappropriate clothing. His CD is lanquishing at places like my local Rite Aid for three ninety-nine in the bargain bin.

The problem with Adam is Adam himself. He’s like that evil princess in the Grimm Fairy Tale who when she opened her mouth had toads and frogs emerged. 19E cannot control him, hence the AMA debacle, and they cannot tape his mouth shut. He says things either quite offensive or stupid or both. No matter how 19E dresses up Adam up in the Emporer’s New Clothing we all see he’s actually quite naked.

Who admits in the media that they decided to try out for Idol because of an acid trip? Why not just announce your bowel movements and nose picking bouts too?

All of these factors make Adam’s turn next week as a mentor on “American Idol” not the smartest move on the part of 19E. I’m sure they’re thinking it will jump start his career just like hooking battery cables to the ancient battery in a rusted ’74 Ford Pinto.  It might, but it’s unlikely. America has Adam Fatigue courtesy of his mouth, his actions and his music.

Idol risks much by putting Adam on there unless he’s trailed at all times by a handler and kept away from anything not carefully scripted. He’s missing the brain-mouth filter and discretion. Oh well, at least he siphoned off some of your bigger loonies and Casey James plus Lee Dewyse are inheriting the remainder.

The funny thing to me about all of this is that the Adam Lambert Sparkle Cows have just now figured out that you unfollowed Adam some time ago, right after the AMA’s if I’m not mistaken. They think it’s recent and that you did this in a fit of pique because he’s mentoring on Idol and you’re not.  Expect a Sparkle Cow stampede on your site/twitter telling you off for being bitter and jealous.

They don’t get it and they never will.

ETA: Baldy, you are no homophobe, you support gay rights but I fear the Sparkle Cows are going to equate you unfollowing Adam with homophobia instead of just stupid shitty performances without any sense of shame that it possibly was. Again, they don’t get it.

Google Searches #15

January 30, 2010

Dear Baldy,

The big fun of Google keyword searches is the random and bizarre nature of them. Over ten years ago I used to have a blog where some freak kept booging in on the search term “Used sanitary napkin fetish” and it took me awhile to figure out the why. Example. This is close to what I wrote with the searched words highlighted.

I discovered I’d used up all my paper supplies before the big party, so I had to scramble around at the last second. The only party store in town always seemed so dowdy, dusty and not very sanitary that I was reluctant to purchase anything for so important a social gathering as this.  But I found a box of  nice paper napkin sets in the back of the china cabinet at home. And as the days passed leading up to the party I developed almost a cleanliness fetish in a futile attempt to keep our drawing room immaculate.

So any old super crazy term can be searched for in an oh so innocent posting. But my dark sense of humor always chortles and giggles over them. This weeks crop from this blog.

‘Tranny Mary Ann Ellis Holly” – of all the search terms I’ve seen on this blog this one makes me laugh the hardest! Mary Ann does look a little manly in some photos even if I cannot detect the presence of a shaved down Adams Apple.

‘Neal Tiemann krunk” – Neal seems to have slowed down on his boozy tweets but you never know. Look for him the liver transplant ward near you soon.

They are crazy bad bitches” – One mans crazy bitch is another mans love goddess. Unless they have crazy eyes.

“Man on the run David Cook” – Well Baldy, you’ve run on the Cancer fundraiser run. I witnessed you with my own two eyes running down the stairs at Urban Outfitters and I have a feeling you’ve had to run to escape your fans. Outrunning blubbery frau should be easy for you now.

“Porno Horse” – Enough with the bestiality!  Ugh! When I think of horses I want to think about “My Friend Flicka” or “Black Beauty” not “Nasty Hos Drilled By Horse Dick”

“Harpies Disease” – I think some folks call this ‘The Marriage Disease” and can run both ways, Nag-ee and Nag-er can be either sex. Unless is refers to the nekkid serenading chicks on the rocks in ‘The Iliad”

“Porny To” – No idea

“American Idol OCD” – Is that when you insist everyone shut the hell up around you, not breath, think or bother you when AI is on? Or that time when you grasp your cell phone like it’s your only lifeline and dial again and again voting for your choice, like some rat in a science experiment hitting the feeder bar for another crack rock until it passes out?

“Frau Madam Porn” – Hell to the NAW!! For the last time. Madam is gay. Madam is openly gay. Gay men do not boff old fat women regardless of the circumstances or the horny.

‘Teen Pusi wit black Cook Cock free porno” – Porn search for the super illiterate? If you’re that filled with spelling fail you should probably just give up on the internet.

“Neal Tiemann dating Kira Von Sutra” – Oh, I hope this one is true! Just the idea of a green haired gal with an interesting style dating Neal is bound to send Celinesp1 and THEKimberly off the deep end into Crazytown. The twitter war will be comic gold!

“David Cook fucks” – I hope Baldy is getting laid out there somewhere. Everyone needs lovin’, just not frau lovin’

“David Cook tattoo lies” – How do tattoos lie?

Worst Buy & Google Searches

January 19, 2010

Dear David,

So you twittered-twatted about the incident in Best Buy yesterday where you were punk’d by someone asking if you were David Archuletta.  You twittered you were tempted to say yeah. You should have, just think about how funny that would have been to punk the punkers. Missed opportunity.

Saw the clip of it online. Funny stuff.

What isn’t funny stuff is the idiotic clamor risen by your hordes of horrible followers with their twitting, twatting, twittering in trying to come to your rescue in a situation that needed nothing redeemed. They are a stupid self-important lot. They’ve taken it upon themselves to alternately tell you how ‘great’ you are and how wonderfully you handled the situation AND for added points harass the punker. The gal responsible for your funny encounter has stated that your fans have no sense of humor. She neglected to mention that they also lack class, manners, sense, smarts and a whole lot of other important stuff. Poor you. Poor her.

It’s slow in Fantardlandia so they’re jumping on every idiot bit involving you. I’m sure if you twittered you had corn in your poo they’d twitter long treatise blaming corn for all sorts of likes, like allowing Hitler to arise to power or bombings in Afghanistan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Switching gears, several of the Google searches yesterday and today have made me laugh so hard I blew diet coke out of my nostrils and all over the screen. I haven’t looked in a while and the searches are getting decidedly weirder.

Adam Lambert and Neal Tiemann porn – Poor Neal, hasn’t he suffered enough already?

Madam drinks porno horse sperm – There are no words.

Sort of like this?

Celineps1 Is Crazy – She’s been doing some more Neal torturing. Neal can’t seem to catch a break, can he?

Ending…

December 1, 2009

….with a bang not a clusterfuck.

Listen up David,

As was pointed out yesterday in the comments now is the dangerous time for you in Fantardlandia.  Now and few remaining gigs.  Get more security, add a few more strong arms and for the love of blubber, stop the meets & greets.

Why?

Because with the end of your tour the tard stakes get ratcheted up to an entirely new level of daring and insanity.  I expect the tard antics to get crazier as the possibility of meeting/seeing you starts to evaporate like water in the Sahara. Expect assaults on the tour bus, lies to get inside your hotel/bus/rehearsal/toilet time/whatever.  The concert shrieking will get louder and the same old faces will act sillier.

The end of the tour just has to hold them until your Christmas special with Carrie Underwood airs.  But after that your tard pack faces a long amatory desert with no you while you work on your album.  The tard meltdowns will be so spectacularly ugly.

Good for me, bad for you.  You actually have to suffer through the stunts, I merely get to point and laugh along with everyone else.