Posted tagged ‘plagiarism’

Adam Lambert: Second To No One Review

March 26, 2010

Dear Baldy,

Thank Buddha that none of Archuletta’s rabid followers cooked up a conspiracy theory about how you stole Idol from poor little boy David Archuletta. Although I would not put it past his Daddy. That is one messed up dude.

There’s been an interesting controversy over at Top Idol for the last month. One of Adam Lambert’s tards, one Kerry Kolsch of Miami Florida has written a tome alleging a conspiracy over Adam Lambert’s failure to win Mr. American Idol in his season. According to the bits and pieces posted from the book everywhere online it’s a vast conspiracy with roots reaching into government, business, and beyond. She somehow manages to trample every copyright of AI and defame a long list of people with unproven allegations and smear tactics.

If you were thinking about spending $11.95 buying this work of art don’t bother. It’s a fairy tale conspiracy that makes what the Tea Party crew think up look almost rational. You’re better off sticking with reading the comments at Top Idol since they have all the salient points of the book up on the comments.

I came up with my own conspiracy theory as to how this book might have had its genesis.

Disclaimer: What follows below is a work of fiction inspired by the comments at Top Idol.

Late afternoon sunshine poured through the open slats of the shade into a room painted some industrial shade of beige. Sitting directly beneath the heavily barred window were three ladies, all middle aged, all looking as though they were missing washers in their brains. Slack faces, gawping mouths, vacant eyes staring leadenly at the flickering glow emanating from an ancient television. The plastic safety shield over the screen was smeared with a grimy coating of drool and the grease of a thousand grasping hands.

As other patients in the Sunnyside Mental Hospital milled around in the rec room these three sat there like retarded bumps on the log staring at a very smeary Oprah Winfrey. “Opera” one of them whispered, “Opera, Opera”  But everyone ignored her quiet mutterings, continuing to shuffle around like zombies on crack in old bathrobes or sweats.

But the entire vibe of the room changed in an instant as Oprah introduced her musical guest. The man looked like an off-kilter Elvis, as if he were the offspring of Elvis and drag queen Divine. Greased black pompadour, shiny glittery clothing and makeup Tammy Faye Bakker would be proud to sport. When he opened his mouth it wasn’t melodic. Instead shrieky warbling assaulted the ear drums of the listeners as the man butchered a Led Zepplin song. In the glass fronted nurses station one of the burly attendants turned to another and suggested, “Perhaps we should turn the volume down. That caterwauling  is enough to stunt corn from growing all the way over in the next county.”

As he found the remote control and turned the volume down to a mere whisper the middle watcher of the trio on the sofa started to vibrate as if she on fire. Her crazy eyes rimmed with cheap kohl rolled and she flailed and cart wheeled onto the floor before running to the television set. Her uncombed hair flew like an electrified nimbus around her head as she tried to claw the tv set as if to clutch the gyrating poser inside. She began to shriek a string of unconnected words, babbling that made no logical sense, “ADAMADAMADAM LAMBERT GLITTERYSPARKLINGALIENLIZARDKINGSEXGOD OPERAOPERACARJUNGMICKJIGGERMATEINGCALLGAMMING KRISALLENDIECHEATING STOLENSTOLEN ATFUCKINGTRIGGEDVOTING  ARKANSASCHICKFILCHICKFILACHICKFILA!!!!!!!”

As she continued to scream and thrash the other residents scattered like roaches on a heated iron skillet, scuttling as far away from the action as they could. No one wanted to bring the attention of the attendants down on their heads.

Before the hefty middle aged woman could break through the plexiglass protector on the screen the burley attendants grabbed her, wrestling her considerable bulk into a straight jacket. One of them pinned her tightly to the floor as the other whipped out a loaded syringe filled with lorazepam. As the needle found it’s target and the drug pulsed through her body she relaxed in the grip of the attendants. They hefted her up and between the two men they toted her like an oversized bag of fertilizer into a nearby room. She moaned and whispered, ‘Ar-kan-sas.. Chick-Fil-La… Adam robbed.”

One of the attendants snorted  in disgust as he heaved her bulk up onto a bed, ‘Not that stupid American Idol shit again.. I swear this one is crazier than a shithouse rat. She never gives up. She‘s second to no one in the crazy sweepstakes.”

Bad Behavior

March 8, 2010

Dear David,

I hear your ‘fans’ have been twitter-spamming some pop songwriter in the UK that you’ve been working with. Apparently they expect you to be all ‘Rawk’ and stuff, losing their minds over possible power pop. They chose to ignore that the “My Sharona”s of this world have their place too. Not everything has to be rock n roll hardcore.

It’s rather rude to twit to someone that you hate their songs and that they are ruining your idol by working with him. Like a bunch of clucking hens pecking an innocent duck to death because he doesn’t look/sound anything like the rooster they’re used to. Who made all those biddies guardians of your music in the first place? Why should their subjective opinions matter more than anyone elses?

Crazy and rude.

Oh and special message for L Anne Carrington/Lori Ann Dennick –  Yes, my friend Sandy slept with your crush. She screwed him, blew him, tattooed him, whatever and said ~ NEWSFLASH ~ he was hung like a hamster and horrible between the sheets. That’s the closest you’ll ever come to laying him.

Google Questions #5

November 12, 2009

Dear Baldy,

Usually there’s an imaginative  search parameter or two daily among your fans two-stepping into here from Google but lately it’s been repeats involving tattoos, jews, and L Anne Carrington searching for herself. Yawn.

Two of the most repeated searches from yesterday make me laugh for totally different reasons. Both involve obsessional women.

“smartie “l’anne carrington” ebook” – L Anne, L Anne, L Anne. She’s quaking in her boots trying to find out if Idletard’s Smartie actually is compiling an Ebook of her adventures.  I feel the rumblings up over the Alleghenies and the Blue Ridge right now and smell her arid sweat. Never fear, Smartie is doing just that and David I’d recommend you get a copy as soon as it comes out. You’ve stated you like to read and it’s going to be a fascinating study into mental illness, plagiarism and crime.  I promise you’ll laugh, cry, throw up and gasp before coming back for another plate of crazy.

Personally I think they should build L Anne her own special wing at the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. She can keep company with the spooks and haints and leave the rest of us alone. It’s just south of her home in the burbs of Pittsburgh.

“David Cook Uncensored” – I’ve never visited this site run by Mary Ann/Holly containing various sockpuppets of Holly pretending to be other people yet only cheering Holly on and I don’t plan on it. I don’t even have the addy but I do understand that there’s one heck of a battle going on right now over that mysterious tattoo of yours. Apparently you getting a tattoo is turning off Mary Ann/Holly to the point where she’s almost ready to toss you on the Idol scrapheap of former lust objects along with Clay Aiken and Constantine.  Fickle fans. Mary Ann – Holly needs to join L Anne at the TALA.

The question that most springs to mind on these two is why Pennsylvania? Why the high percentage of completely wacko obsessed fans in the Keystone state? Is it something in the water?  I know my most insane clients at work come out of the Philly area and seem like they could be characters on “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. Something must be seriously wrong with that part of the world

Google Questions Part 2

November 2, 2009

Dear Baldy,

The second most Googled phrases on this blog don’t even involve you at all, which really makes me laugh. They involve a wrestling fan from Pennsylvania. She writes horrendous fiction.

“L. Anne Carrington”

“L Anne Idletard”

“Lori Dennick”

and so on every version of this set of names. One name an actual name, the other a ridiculous non de plume taken up as imaginarily swankier than the real one. She took up this fake name  for reasons I cannot fathom any more than her other wacky behaviors.

I think from the IP patterns that it’s the wrestling fan cum writer endlessly Googling herself. Which is stoopid because this blog isn’t about her even if I did address her directly once with a list of Nanowrimo No-No’s. I shall not do it again as this place isn’t about her. I leave that to the Pink Board and to Idletard and her EBook. They do it way better than I.

Attention Stalkers: Start Your Engines

October 22, 2009

Dear David,

I think it’s a good idea for you to give back and do something charitable, like I was reading about in this mornings news. It’s admirable you’re going to help construct a home for a little girl suffering from a rare disease. To be doing that in your down time from touring is even better. But I hope you have security, better security than you had for your tour. Tell ABC that there must be big burly bodyguards and cops to cover the perimeter or you’re going to have one of the crazes trying to caress your hammer or lick your sweat or something equally repulsive. Did you know that there’s a thread on Live Journal where some idiot is talking about saving her virginity for you to take, losing it in a random encounter with an Idol winner instead of with someone she has actual real feelings for and a future with.

And now I have to address someone that lurks here…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear L Anne Carrington,

I see you googling yourself and booging on in to see if I’m talking smack about you like Idletard did. You do it day after day after day and I’m not even sure what you’re looking for. This blog is addressed to David “Baldy” Cook, not L Anne (Dennick) Carrington.  I’m not going to list your crimes here, I’m not going to waste server space recounting your truly awful fiction, your obsessions with wrestlers, fake weight loss, fake fiances, fake modeling, fake acting career, fake publicity career, and I’m sure I missed some other bits of your faking besides your long list of aliases but I do not care. Go drool over your wrestlers or write some more revolting sex scenes.

What I do care about is that you’ve been twittering that you’re going to participate in this year’s Nanowrimo by doling out bits of your almost unreadable novel “The Cruiserweight” You do realize that Nano requires you to write daily till you have the word count of fifty thousand words? You CANNOT copy and paste over bits of a previous word and pretend to have written during Nano as that is cheating. I know you are well capable of doing just that since you seem to have no moral qualms or squeamishness about lying or cheating as evidenced by the tons of things posted at Idletard and over at the Pink board.

How does this concern me? I’ve participated in Nano for years. I don’t cheat. I pound out the necessary words. Some years I finish, some years I don’t. I am participating again this year and I will be watching. If you attempt to pretend that you are writing that horrid book during Nano and uploading bits of it or of any of the writings you have lifted off others I will be on you like a famished piranha on a rancid corndog floating down the river Styx. If you participate and cheat I will make it my personal mission to see you disqualified.

If you’re sincere and are going to play by the rules then welcome.  No plagiarism!  But I have my doubts after your twitters.