Google Questions #11

Dear Baldy, some doozies today from Google!

Haphazard a guess – beats the hell out of me?

David Cook + Dating +Fan Fic equals a big old scary cluster scrogg of extremely unlikely and usually biologically impossible sexual adventuring. I’m sure there would be an infinity of orgasms that in reality would leave the participants sere dried up dead husks of a human.

Neil Tiemann screw – See above. Eew no!

Brian Howes twat – See above again!

Baldy runs – Not sure if this is about your charity jog for cancer or a reference to some chrome domed dude with diarrhea. Still makes me laugh.

Screechy McScreamsalot

Dear David,

How are you not deaf by now? Screams and yowls like a wildcat with it’s ass in wringer greeting your every sigh onstage? According to a recent review of your show your frau are acting like every utterance from  your lips is orgasm-provoking. Are they wearing vibrating panties? I keep forgetting how easily amused and aroused the frau pack is.

Is that appropriate? Well, yes, if your fans were 12 years old and you were the newest incarnation of the Backstreet Boys. Middle aged women acting like that over someone young enough to have emerged from their own vagina is not so understandable.

But it does sound like there are moments of fun on the tour -

During one song, a handful of people dressed up as superheroes, along with the banana suit guy and another in a monkey suit, stormed the stage. Not sure if that was planned or impromptu antics. It was funny when it happened during The Script’s set, but it was kind of annoying when it interrupted the Alice in Chains tribute. Cook, ever good-natured, simply laughed and went on entertaining his shrieking public.

Dating Lies

Dear Baldy,

I was amused to read this interview on Access Atlanta and see some things that relate right along with my recent postings here. With the subject of Mary Ann/Holly Sockpuppets of David Cook Uncensored.

Here’s what you said on the subject of dating -

He said he has no girlfriend since the breakup with former “Idol” contestant Kimberly Caldwell. Too busy, he said.

Even if that was a total lie it really paints Holly Sockpuppets obsession and lies about you using Model Mayhem to pick out girlfriends in the poorest light possible. Have you ever noticed that when it becomes slow on her board or whenever people start to realize what an enormous liar/shit stirrer she is that new women get outed as ‘girlfriends’ of yours. She goes into ‘Storm the Bastille’ mode with torches, bloodhounds and outrage over whatever the latest imaginary target of your lust she’s parsed from the misfiring synapses in her own mind.

It’s pretty apparent she’s making up most of your so called romantic partners because a) she only does this when she has a vested interest in the outcome, i.e. trying to deflect attention off her wrong doings or when it’s slow on her precious board. b) I also believe she does it in a futile attempt to pretend she has exclusive information. She does this to screw with and manipulate others like a true sociopath would.  The fact that she may have made a few pennies on the fake info by selling it to the tabloids is just the wiggling worm on the turd sandwich she is.

If she had any clue about touring and what it’s really like going town to town to play music every night she’d know there’s not much room for love. Touring is so stressful and draining that even if it was the goddess of love and beauty begging you to make mad sweet passionate love to her you’d be more likely to slump over in the bed and sleep. It’s not a lifestyle that is conductive to anything more than the rare one night stand. It’s grueling as Radio Birdman mentioned.

Does it bother you that things you say in concerts, interviews or just about anywhere gets quoted and analyzed ad nauseum on fan sites? If so, do you feel pressure to draw the line between Celebrity David Cook and Private David Cook? – Deborah Clevinger.

That’s a tough line to toe. I’ve tried to maintain some semblance of a private life. Past that, I don’t know. I’ve seen everything I’ve said analzyed. A lot of cases, it’s misconstrued a little bit. But if you can’t control it, laugh like hell. I think I’d lose my mind if I had to mentally stop before I said anything.

Baldy, I think that would be the hardest thing to deal with in this massive stripping away of privacy, the idle baseless speculation devoid of any reality. Did you know that Holly Sockpuppets claims you are bipolar and have other mental illnesses without any proof. They are analyzing every word dropping from your mouth, every slight movement of your body, what jewelry you wear, and other vague meaningless things to come up with this idiocy.

You need security because of freaks like Holly and privacy. You deserve life, love and liberty just like the rest of us.

 

Google Questions #10 or My Little Porny

Dear David,

There were more queries into the nature of Mary Ann/Holly and the Sockpuppets but quite frankly I’m done with that for now. She’s repetitive and boring, thinks she’s your internet mommy. Ugh!

“Hair wig” - Well, what other types are there? Oh yeah, I forgot that Bret Michaels has a  My Little Pony wig.

“insane Cook porno” - I think this is a reference to the rape fics at Illusions of Cook but not entirely sure. Did you take a second job ala the Mormon boy in ‘Orgasmo”?

Canuckleheadishness

Dear David,

I’m sure you know by now one of your sillier fans got arrested for public intoxication before your Toronto show. She’s telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s going to get you, Neil, Andy and anyone else connected to her to sign off on her arrest papers. There’s nothing klassier than being hauled off to the pokey for getting too drunk to stand. Only Neil is allowed to drink like that!

Have you read the print outs from David Cook Uncensored yet?  You need to. Everything you need for the restraining order is contained within them.

Good luck! Please make Andy Skib pack some winter clothes if you’re going to play the frozen north.

Google Questions #9

Dear Baldy,

Another day, another series of bizarre search terms.

“Holly Sockpuppets” – Number 1 search of the day yesterday. I believe that the board at David Cook Uncensored is starting to implode now as more people look for proof that Holly is insane. Soon you will be able to buy a fainting couch without someone obsessed over exactly what color it was and if you have a masturbatorium.

“Baldy blog” – Were they looking for some rogue individual that doesn’t use Rogaine and Propecia. I’ve always laughed over the Propecia commercials because lack of ability to get a hard on is a side effect. Which effectively renders the entire reason to grow hair, get the ladies, a very moot point. What can you do with them when you get them? Play Parcheesi?

“Bad karma & cancer” – Regardless of what God you do or don’t believe in it seems to be a universal truth that people sow what they reap.  One of my very religious friends says that cancer comes from bitterness and unforgiveness. I don’t necessarily believe that but the law of universal reciprocity seems to indicate that if you run around screaming cancer and don’t have it that it’s not outside the realm of karmic realignment to actually develop cancer.

“Pizza Screamer” – Ah, the lovely Daina, shouter into mikes about pizza love and bilker of fraus via her coffee table book filled with images of you. Theft of intellectual property anyone?

Mad Magazine Sends Up AI

Dear David,

So Baldy, Mad managed to both skewer and expose the truth of American Idol at the same time. Lucky for you this was published before you came onto the scene or you might be on it singing about how the Piggly Wiggly took your expired coupons.

It’s pretty funny, enjoy.

Interesting PM?

Dear David,

One of your saner fans sent me this missive floating around David Cook Uncensored. Reposting here for everyone to see..

 

I don’t know if you have been following the saga on TopIdol. Rumors have floated around that Holly is really a woman named MaryAnn who has created the whole elaborate scheme just to fuck with David and his fans. Here are the links:

topidol.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/the-cra…ever-been-seen-with/

topidol.wordpress.com/2009/11/14/monteco…f-holly-sockpuppets/

topidol.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/david-c…s-about-other-women/

At the bottom of the second blog, TopIdol posted this screen cap from her Administrator view:

topidol.wordpress.com/2009/11/14/monteco…ppets/#comment-13040

It shows that Holly has been there posting under several accounts, on one she says THIS IS HOLLY. You can see that all the IP addresses are the same. The IP address traces back to Morrisville, Pennsylvania. This is where MaryAnn is, and is the same IP she used under her real name on fan sites. It is not a NY IP where Holly claims to be.

We have been lied to.

Google Questions #8

Dear David, the usual mix of the sick and the funny. Here’s the list from yesterday.

“Model Mayhem is David Cook’s Black Book” – I understand that this is what Holly Sockpuppets at David Cook Uncensored is rushing around the internet posting madly everywhere. She’s fixated with that site and keeps picking out random women she says you’re dallying with. Then she starts harassing those women via the internet.

“hair twats’ - No idea, but it sounds like the backlash against waxing and/or shaving your muchachos has started.

“David Cook Stalker Holly” – So the world is finally waking up to what this woman actually is.

“old lady twats” – No granny porn here.

The #1 Stalker – Stalking Vs Being A Fan

Dear Baldy,

By now what with the three posts over at Top Idol combined with the internet wide frantic meltdown of Holly Sockpuppets I’m sure you have a clue what a real stalker looks like. I’m going to elucidate the characteristics of each so you’ll be more aware. Did you take out that restraining order on Holly yet? It’s cheap and easy enough to do. Get your manager to do it….

Fans….

…buy CDs

…go to concerts and listen appreciatively without making a scene or trying to buy someone off.

…don’t have shrines built in the bedrooms complete with ritualistic sacrifice to bribe the devil into forcing artist to fall in love with them.

…might follow you on twitter or myspace but be respectful enough to not spam you even if they occasionally comment on something you’ve said there.

…wish you only success and happiness.

…respect your privacy and your wishes

…don’t crash private events like family funerals and weddings.

…don’t post salacious family details about divorces and other private family matters.

…don’t call all your younger better looking fans ’sluts’, ‘whores’, or other derogatory dehumanizing sexist monikers.

…would be happy for you when you find someone to love, even temporarily.

…don’t plan their days and entire life around you.

Stalkers do…

…harass family and friends for insider information to the point of stalking them.

…try to get fans that don’t agree with them fired from their jobs.

…make ludicrous claims of insider information or relationship or job position so that they can be head Tard and lord it over the others.

…feed tabloid press false information.

…harass any woman you might have looked at longer than five seconds, steal her photos and info before spewing vitriol towards this person.

…call up the furniture store you bought things at and pump the clerks for personal information.

…become so obsessed with young and attractive women that they hang out on a modeling site and start claiming to others and the press that the modeling site is your little black book.

…make violent threatening public statements towards you or anyone associated with you that they don’t approve of.

…invent an entire army of false identities just so someone will agree with them.

…bring a stack of twenties to a concert to pay off fans and security so she can stand closest to the stage and go to the meet & greet.

…pretend to get cancer when others rat them out.

…pretend to be on a business trip whenever they get outed as a stalker.

…pretend to be this perfect hot anointed person while living in their mothers basement at 50+ and working as a file clerk.

The list just goes on and on.

David, while I might not be a fan of yours I would still hate to see anything bad happen to you because of one crazy-cake women. You seem like a decent guy just trying to make it in this world and deserve as much of a chance at happiness and personal safety as anyone else in this nation. It might be time to take steps to ensure this happens, like taking a restraining order out on Holly Sockpuppets.